My mum is making me so stressed

[worldgonemad72]

Hi all

im 8 months pregnant, getting into serious financial trouble (dh is self employed, had no work for months now), i have been coping ok, proactive in trying to sell the house etc before it all goes tits up.
My mum is a worryer and suffers from anxiety and depression, kept under control by medication.
Every morning when i go down there to drop my daughter off at school she starts on about our situation. Ive asked her so many times i dont want to talk about it at 8 o clock in the morning as it makes me stressed. Again this morning she offers 'helpful' advice, basically repeating what she says everyday and im ashamed to admit i snapped at her, we ended up arguing. She says ive been nasty to her, im just sick of telling her i dont want to think about it at that time of day.
She then started laying the guilt on by getting all teary eyed, frantically eating kalmers and saying i'll keep out of it then....she does this everyday and i cant cope anymore.
I dont want to hurt my mum, i love her but im again feeling really stressed, ive had a headache for over a week and at my last checkup the midwife has noted that my BP is getting higher than normal.

Ive got 2 younger sisters and a brother but she's only like this with me.

Not sure what advice anyone can offer, i just needed to tell someone before i crack up as i haven't got anyone in RL that i could talk to about this.

Poor you :( Normally I would say keep away from her for the time being, but seeing as you rely on her for childcare you'll just have to try to ignore what she says as best you can. It's typical for people with anxiety to worry worry worry about the same things over and over, so perhaps you could try to see it as part of her illness rather than something she's doing deliberately to stress you? Nod and smile when she goes on about it, but just blank it out in your head. Not at all easy, I know, but necessary for you to maintain your sanity. Seeing as you've challenged her already and it made things worse I wouldn't bother with that route again - clearly she can't be reasoned with.

I'm sorry he is stressing you out so much. It's not fair on you and if you've told her you don't want to talk about it every morning then she should respect that. What is she trying to achieve exactly? It might be stressful for he to think about your situation but it's a damned sight more stressful for you who's actually going through it!

I don't think you should feel ashamed for snapping at her, anyone would have by now. Se should feel ashamed for stressing you out more when you're pregnant despite you asking her not to.

I'm sorry but getting the calms out just cause you spoke your mind and stood up to her (after she repeatedly ignored your wishes) just seems like emotional blackmail to me.

Do you go to see her every morning? If so I would visit less tbh.

Thanks, i go every school day, i used to live near her so my dd went to the local school, ive since moved about 20 mins drive away but my dd still goes that school (she will be going the high school in Sept so i wont need to drop her off at my mums then)
Ive tried just ignoring it, but she just doesn't let up at all. The same thing happened on tuesday and i ended up ringing her to apologise, god knows why.

I wish i could reduce the amount i see her but from things she has said in the past i really would fear for her safety.

My dh just keep telling me to ignore her, im trying to do that but then she'll start phoning me.

I feel ridiculous that im feeling like this, i just want her to be happy to support my decisions and not let them rule her life.

I agree that not seeing her in the morning would be best. Do you need to see her on a morning? If so if she starts on just tell her firmly "mum, I've told you I don't want to discuss that first thing on a morning" and refuse to discuss it and change the topic of conversation or leave your daughter with her and tell her you have to go to work if she keeps wittering. She can only make you stressed if you let her. I would just refuse to discuss your financial situation with her at all as it doesn't sound as though either of you is benefitting from her knowledge of your personal finances.
You aren't responsible for her safety. She is your adult mother, not your young child. Detatch a bit.
Not sure I'd want my child looked after by someone knocking back Kalmers and getting hysterical anyway.

Ugh yes this sounds so stressful. Well look, she repeats what she says every day... sounds like this is a case for the "broken record technique"! Can you try taking a few deep breaths and reminding yourself to be calm every morning before going in, and then refuse to engage and repeat a phrase of your own like "Mum, you just look after yourself, we are taking care of the situation. No, I won't trouble you with the details. Have a nice day." Rinse and repeat...

I agree she is not your responsibility. I'm sure she does suffer with depression etc but you shouldn't feel obliged to go round incase she does something stupid if you don't. Again, of she has actually hinted this would be the case it's just more emotional blackmail for you

If she really is so bad then she needs to be getting more help, counselling/ medication. She shouldn't be making you feel its all down to you.

I know what it's like to have the same thing repeated at you over and over (my own mother) and its all very well saying to just ignore it but it really isn't that easy. The natural dynamic of a mother daughter relationship means you're bound to get wound up by it.

I know you feel responsible but seriously, think about cutting down on visits.

Thanks second row, i'll just keep saying that. 2rebecca i know i shouldn't have told her what was going on, i had no one else to confide in and my mum had been a lot better these last 12 months. Im not concerned about her looking after my dd, she's only there for 10 minutes with me before she walk to school for breakfast club.

She has never said she would do something stupid if i stopped/reduced contact but does say things like, no one cares, no one understands, whats the point in me being here if even my children dont want to see me. My brother lives 5 hours drive away, one sister only ever phones her, she hasn't seen her since christmas day and my other sister only calls down to see her when she wants something. My dad is very supportive with her and my mum appears happy and 'normal' ( i hate using that expression, i just not sure how else to describe her) on a day to day basis. only my dad and me know about her depression. I keep trying to reasure her that everything will be ok, but i know it should be her reassuring me.

Limit the amout of time you have contact with her, if your dd is going to high school soon surely you can be running late a few morning and she can just hop out of the car?

Or better still if your dh isn't working could he take your dd.

Your mum needs to learn that emotional blackmail is not acceptable. But you possibly need to be in a stronger position before you tackle her about it.

It isn't acceptable for you to feel responisble for her behaviour she is an adult.

Have you tried the broken record technique...

Well those kind of 'what's the point' comments just sound like emotional blackmail to me. Sorry if it sounds harsh toward her but it seems as the other siblings don't bother as much she has put all her efforts in to forcing you to be there whenever she wants. This isn't fair on you, it's selfish of her. You are grown up now and if anyone should be the nurturing adult in this situation it should be her.

It's one thing to support her but another to feel responsible for her happiness and wellbeing.

Have you asked your siblings why they don't bother as much? Have they been treated similarly in the past and gotten fed up of it? Just wondering..

I agree with Dalrymps. What is the "point" of anyone's life? We all have to find our own reasons for living and things that we enjoy. Adult children move away and live their own lives, that means you have done a good job in raising them.
If your mum has your dad there I don't understand why she is so emotionally dependant on you, I had presumed from some of your posts that she lived alone and was lonely.
Caring and understanding work both ways. I think your mum needs to start looking outside the family for interests and things to build her self esteem. It sounds as though she is pushing people away with her self centred neediness.
She would manage if you also lived several hours away though, maybe she should start visiting some of your siblings as it sounds as though she expects everyone to visit her. Glad my parents both worked and were independant.

Thanks again, i dont think she acts like this with the others, she seems to cling on to me. I definately agree that she needs more in her life, she works part time and goes to bingo once a week with my aunt, btw she isn't old, she will be 54 this year, she did have an abusive childhood, i dont know all the details but she doesn't see my nan anymore, im not sure if this affects her still, i know she has had counselling and we've spoken about how she can take more control of her life.
I seem to make excuses for her and i know in her head she is only trying to help, but i cant keep trying to reassure her, its wearing me down .
I spoke to my dad earlier and he's going to talk to her tonight, i think he's worried.

Thanks for all your advice and suggestions.