My DP works away a lot and we have a weird Jekyll and Hyde kind of relationship, we get on fine when he's home, we're a team, share chores, laugh a lot, and moan about our hard work kids together. Then when he's away we barely speak, and when we do we regularly row about little things. He often doesn't feel like ringing, we always interpret each others texts the wrong way and end up falling out about nothing much.
His job involves travel to lots of different countries, he starts at midday so gets precious lie-ins, he has meals out every night then drinks with friends. I try not to get resentful, it's not his fault he's got a great job and 5 star hotels all over the world! But when he's away my life is quick after-work fishfingers, endless nights alone in the living room, and getting up at 6.30am when the kids wake. He is a good man, a kind man, and in some ways this doesn't help, he feels massive guilt about leaving the kids, he has a huge chip on his shoulder that I'm blaming him for the inequality of it all - and to be honest I sometimes used to. Now I try to stay calm and even when we row I attempt to make it clear there's no blame in any of it.
He's a quiet private person at the best of times, but when he's away he feels like a stranger, he would never think to tell me what he does or feels, I feel cut off. I trust him, but it is a different world from family life, it's full of young single guys on holiday. I'm the opposite to a quiet stranger, I send him endless texts and emails, updates on the kids, just chat. He doesn't always appreciate it, especially when I tell him I've had a bad day or that I'm lonely.
Yesterday we had a usual row about not much, something about our DS's lost teddy, it was me who lost my rag first and I phrased something badly in a text. It was nothing, just a text-row misunderstanding, but he didn't see it that way. He sent an email that was full of how much he loathes me, how I'm mad, depressed and depressing, selfish, and that we have no relationship and he can't stand me.
I was upset of course, and did my usual firing off of too many emails back - up until 1am (I couldn't sleep!) but I was calm and trying hard to calm things down to make them better. I asked him to apologise and told him how hurtful it had been, and that it must have been heat of the moment stuff and not true.
This morning I expected things to be back to normal. Instead they were worse. He said he wouldn't apologise, more stuff about what a horrible person I was, and that he didn't want to talk to me 'I could stew.'
So I told him I was leaving him. I guess it was the nuclear option, but I really don't know what to do. If I believe that he hates me as much as he said then I can't be with him.
I can't go crawling back to him and tell him I love him and don't care that he thinks I'm a selfish loathsome bitch, can I? I think he meant those things. He said we have no relationship. In some ways he's right, we have no relationship when he's away, and he's away an awful lot. We've been together 5 years and we've talked endlessly about the 'him away' issues and got nowhere. Maybe I do just have to accept that it's too big a barrier to this working. He's home just one week this month, which adds extra complications as we have so little time to fix things and have a history of making things worse when we 'talk' by email or phone (he just cuts me off if things get difficult.)
In some ways I'd be relieved to end things to avoid the 'him away' rows and silences. But when we're together he's brilliant and we have a good life whenever he's home. I'm so confused and have no idea what to do for the best.
Bit of an essay. Oops. I just needed to talk to someone, as usual. At least I got that off my chest.