DBF's daughter feeling left out

[Allthenamesiwantaretaken]

Hi all, really hoping for some advice as am totally out of my comfort zone here. Been with my partner for about 6 months and we are moving in together, he has a daughter who is in her early teens who I think is just great, she has been really warm and welcoming to me since I met her and I obviously want her to like me but also expect our relationship to develop naturally over time and dont want to appear too pushy with her. She spends at least two nights a week with us and has done since I met her. Anyhow, my boyfriend and his dd had a little tiff last week (about homework) and his exw spoke to her and she is feeling a bit left out since our relationship started. my boyfriend is spending some time with her alone to explain that she is and always will be his main priority and our relationship makes no difference to that. I hate the idea that she is feeling left out and wonder if there is anything I can do to ensure she doesnt feel that way or should I just butt out and leave it up to her dad to give her the reassurance she needs? Does anyone else have any experience here? Thanks

6 months is awfully quick to be moving in together, even more so when there is a child involved. Has she seen her dad do this with other girlfriends perhaps? If you are serious about wanting a relationship with her then tbh I'd be speaking with your boyfriend about slowing things down to really show you intend to stick around, rather than acting on a whim. I don't think after 6 months anyone is truly commited to their partner, let alone their offspring too.

yes she has met a number of other girlfriends before and is happy her dad has met someone so no issues there. it might seem quick but we are both absolutely sure about it, and she is happy about me moving in, thats not the issue.

I had a similar problem with dp's daughter who has just turned 16. My dp had been on his own with them a long time and even though she has a good relationship with her mum she spent the majority of the time with dp.

I spoke to her and explained that this was a steep learning curve for me, I wasn't always going to get it right and that I understood if she just wanted time with her dad. I also absent myself occasionally without being prompted eg go to the pictures one night. I can't deny its been hard sometimes allowing for hormones etc and a bit of the 'green eye' but we have a good relationship. I do bits with her, i just don't force it. I found it difficult sometimes as I have three sons......... they tell you if there is something wrong, she leaves long detailed Jane Austen inspired notes...........

Anyway two years in so far so good...........

Mmmmm - teenage girls. They are always dramatic.

You sound lovely - but just leave it to daddy to sort for the time being. Just be nice to her - but don't expet anything back.

Thank you for your replies, not been here before and desperately want to get it right, and she is just fab, but I feel like such a novice (because I am). My gutt instinct was to leave it to her dad but also wondered if there is anything I can do to show her how much I like spending time with her too.

i was thinking one of the night I would do things with my friends to give them time alone together but then I worried she might think its because I dont want to spend time with them both, which obviously I do but it's better if they have their time alone too.

How old is she? Can you not chat to her about it?

she's 13, I could but not sure if that's the right thing to do, I think its about her relationship with her dad, they are very close and he is a fantastic dad and I dont want her to think I am interfering.

I don't mean in a stepping on toes way......... maybe in a subtle way. Its hard isn't it? What a minefield

Thanks, it really is, I am constantly worrying about not being fun enough and too serious (i can be quite quiet) and just want everything to go smoothly amd everyone to be happy! I will see her at the weekend so going to make sure I make extra effort to spend a bit of time with her, and make sure she knows how much I like her being around, I think thats all I can do.

This isn't really advice I would just like to say that you sound like a thoughtful and caring stepmum.

Thank you, thats really kind

I second that. Its testament to you that you care and its in everyone's best interest that you get it 'right' or as right as you can. I read the threads on here for support and advice even if it was lurking :}

Thanks, its really as good a situation as poss, my boyfriends ex wife is great, her husband is lovely and they are great parents who have brought up a lovely well adjusted girl so I want to add to that rather than cause any problems or resentment.

Hi, do you do anything with her, just the 2 of you?? It's good for you 2 to have a relationship, separate to your relationship with her Dad. I have a 14 yr old DSD, we go shopping, watch TV, go to the cinema etc etc etc. You sound lovely though, and the DSD is very lucky to have such balanced adults in her life. xx

Thanks, I would like to and I think once I move in it will be easier just to pop out together for lunch or clothes shopping etc, I might suggest a girly night out to the cinema. Ohdear - did you worry about her liking you and if you got in the way of her time with her dad etc?