Why Is It All About Him?

[AsdaFudgeyCal]

This may be self indulgent but I'll try to keep it as short as possible. I've posted a lot on here already so won't go into too much detail.

Around 8 months ago my DH had an affair, emotional and physical. Obv, I was devastated, he wasn't sure who to pick so left to think about it and 6 weeks later decided he wanted me. It took a lot of persuasion but I agreed to give him a chance but since then he has been a nightmare.

He did all the right things regarding cutting contact, getting counselling, showering me with compliments and gifts etc but his guilt seemed to manifest as severe paranoia that I was/was going to be unfaithful. He accused me (became obsessed with what I got up to those weeks we were apart...err drinking and crying), stalked me, hacked me, held the threat of suicide over me (actually OD-ing twice, but always in my company), moved back in and rushed me.

Why did I put up with it? Well, I could see glimpses of the man I loved, I do not doubt his regret and promises he would never cheat again, my self esteem was on the floor and most importantly, I became pg approx 3months after discovery of affair. Great timing, yeah?!

So I stuck it out for a while, never knowing what mood he would be in when I got home, being left sobbing in tears at his 'suicide attempts' (or big manipulations as I now see them), and having an utterly miserable pg. He frightened me, going from loving doting husband/father to accusatory, screaming wronged spouse in a heartbeat.

2 weeks ago, despite having not a lot of money, I found a house to rent and I left. I'm not sure if it's permanent. I'm not sure if he's ill or if he's and arsehole. I don't know if I'll forgive him or if he'll ever go back to being a good husband. But he was putting me and the baby at risk I had to go.

I have also had major pet beravement to deal with (2 horses and puss), coming off ad's due to pg and pregnancy hormones.

Now all my family, his family and my friends are aware of ALL of this. At first I protected him but then I stuck to openess and honesty. SO why oh why oh why is HE everyone's major concern. My mum has become his personal counsellor and is coordinating drs for him. My SILs despite both experiencing infidelity not-so-subtley hint I should be supporting him and out right ask why the hell I left (i said clearly). My 2 closest friends start every conversation/text with 'how's DH', one even texts him to offer a shoulder to cry on. My MIL was hospitalised with MH issues after FILs emotional abuse of her, but I haven't even had a text from her since xmas.

I could sort of understand if they just wanted to get him better to support me but why did none of them offer me help/money when moving (not easy when your 20weeks pg and skint), ask how I am etc.? It would be so much more convenient if I just got back with him and stfu, but he was killing me. The last thing I wanted was a broken marriage and a baby on my own, but he's left me no choice and they're making out i'm living the life of riley, happy I've got my own way and he's the one who's suffering.

Why?

for everyone who got this far, and here, have mine coz I can't grrrr!

No idea why. I know that is no help, but I wanted to post to say well done. You HAVE done totally the right thing and I admire you for being strong enough. Let him deal with his shit and keep going.

I should add, I don't want it 'all about me' either, I'm pleased he's got support and I want him well for our baby and maybe me. I'm sorting out my own counselling, I just cannot understand how people who obviously have such kind hearts in respect to him, seem to think I'm magically fine? It's pretty clear I'm not.

Very strange everyone is concerned about him, seems like because he's the man they think he needs more support than you.

So sorry for all the shit he put you through, and is still putting you through.

Have you said anything directly to them about focusing on him so much? When they ask how he is, you should turn it around on you.

You seem very strong, well done x

Thank you.

I haven't explicitly asked for help, no. But neither has he. I would be ok without support normally as we are not a huggy, had-holdy family (unfortunately) I just find it so bizarre and hurtful it's so forthcoming for him. My parents took him in when I threw him out after the affair which, while I appreciated their kindness to him sortof made it feel like they were being unfaithful to me!

I think it must be the suicide attempts, that frightens people. And he only did it the first time because I didn't want him to move back in straight away (it worked, he was discharged back home) and the second time because I said I was considering leaving him after he went through my purse on the hunt for 'evidence' while I was in the bathroom with morning sickness. Maybe they think me leaving will make him go through with it this time, maybe it will, but staying with him would kill me AND the baby...

Just marking my place in case anyone has any answers to this.

Have experienced exactly the same when my H of 21 years left. I did break down to my sister about how my mother going on about 'poor' ex made me feel so now she says 'His poor parents, they must be so worried about him'. Me? Apparently I'm strong so I'll always be okay. Well, yes, it's good to be strong but everyone needs support. Being strong does not stop you feeling exhausted at having to deal with all the crap that the ex throws at both me and the DCs.

Unfortunately, it's not just family, 'friends' have done this too, even inviting ex and 'new' GF for New Year's Eve and not even bothering contact me over the whole Christmas/New Year period.

He comes across as fun, sociable and easy going. I, rather predictably in the circumstances, am somewhat stressed and exhausted. I am either working or looking after children and broke so not available for lovely lunches, daytime walks or fun nights out (if I was ever invited) which probably equates to being a 'poor' friend but this is my life.

Luckily, I am making new friends (slowly), many in a similar situation, which is helping. I know what my family is like so I don't rely on them to provide more than they can and just ignore the comments. I have found a fantastic counsellor too.

Hi secrets bizarre isn't it. I just cannot see myself being like that. I may, if I didn't know details, stay neutral, but to favour one, neglecting the 'wronged' party seems weird.

My H is very shy and quiet and I wonder if people just don't believe me. But they do know the affair happened, if nothing else.

I think I am seen as strong as well, but I'm not particularly, just slightly more outgoing and proactive than him.

It keeps me awake at night thinking how he got to have an affair, fuck another woman, be a controlling and manipulative arsehole, while I had to deal with infidelity, bereavement, emotional abuse, threats of suicide and being pregnant but HE gets the help and sympathy

Bizarrely I don't hold the way our families and friends are acting against him There's a lot of love, care and concern left for him and our contact has been positive since I moved out. I think I have done the right thing for both of us but I'll never think of f+f's the same again.

My god I can waffle, can't I?! that's what comes of having no RL support. My MU Dr has arranged counselling and meds though, phew!

You poor thing. He's getting the support partly because he is making the most fuss, screaming and waving his cock around and stuff, but also because culturally there is still this lingering belief, quite deep-seated in a lot of people, that men matter more than women.

Mind you, you're well rid of him, and you will be a lot happier without such a drama llama in your life. Best of luck.

Your parents tool him in when he cheated on you?!

Oh hell no. I would've been livid!

Agree with sgb on men nattering more, kind of what I was I trying to get at before. My mother is the same with my brother.

I really think you should tell your parents how you feel quite betrayed by them and others, might help you.

Yeah, they took him in, they love him a lot, despite what he did to me! I didn't object at the time as he had no where else to go longterm and I would rather that than him stay with me. I saw it as their way of helping me but combined with all subsequent behaviour it does feel like they really favour him.

Like I said, my family aren't particularly close, but neither do they have any specific issues with me.

I was unaware they were capable of the rallying-round and care they've shown my H, which is why I'm hurt.

I can sort-of understand his family siding with him, but his SILs have been quite cruel since I moved out, despite being close and supportive when I was trying to make it work. They would most certainly blame me if he does anything else daft. I don't think he will though, as I've acted in both our best interests and diffused the situation.

Obv I'm still the bitch though!

He hasn't been explicitly asking for help and support but he did make his pain more obvious i.e. not working, ODing, loosing a lot of weight.

But how can any normal person, especially thoses who are supposed to care about me, possibly think I'm ok. I've never said I am. IF I'm ever asked, I always say 'not really...blah, blah blah' but it soon gets back to him.

I really am alone.

You poor thing. You've been treated really badly and I'd be really upset with your f+f. I hope they come round soon and give you the support you need.

Asda, I'd be annoyed in your shoes too. My DH has made suicide attempts and I'm seeing a counsellor. She's said a lot of wise things to me. One of them I'll pass on to you: he is responsible for his own actions and if he's going to kill himself then he will, and it won't be because you did or didn't do something. End of. Hope you can get some RL support soon.

I think theres several reasons for this . You say your family thought a lot of him . Seeing him for what he is would be painfull ( as you know too well ) and they would likeley feel betrayed and angry , they probably dont want to acknowledge how apallingly hes treated you , how wrong their judgement was ect as this would hurt them . So they dont .

Youve also got the issue of a wandering man now bleating and apearing sorry . Poor him . hes the victim . Your meant to overlook this and stand by your man you know . After all , he "is" sorry . Obviously i do not know your family , but its also quite possible that at some stage in their lives they , or their freinds , have overlooked or forgiven simiar behaviour and think that you should too .

They would possibly prefer to think you are coping , and dont need any support because to think differantly would be very very upsetting for them . Either way , i think youve done the right thing getting shot of him . Onwards and upwards !

There's also this notion that single women are worth less than a women in a relationship whereas single men must be looked after/fussed over and mollycoddled so that at least there is someone there to iron his pants/cook his dinner/wash his socks when his wife won't do it for him. They probably see you as the bad one as you ended it and us women are expected to make it work at all costs aren't we?

You're all right. He is (seen as) foundering and helpless, and I'm (seen as) hard and self-sufficiant.

To his credit, he is aware I feel this way, and repeatedly reiterates to them it's all his fault (and truly believes and knows this), but I guess they just feel sorry for him and, as diggs says think I should be greatful and accepting of his remorse.

There's no winning. Just feel like a child sat here, weeping repeating 'it's not faaaaaair'.

'Oh poor him, he's obviously been under a lot of strain, that affair just shows that he wasn't in his right mind, and then to try to end his life, how could she just leave him when he's not well...and see he's blaming himself for all this, it just goes to show...etc etc etc'

Sometimes you have to be like the Fool on the Hill, you just have to have the strength to know that you know the truth of your own life, regardless of what others think.

I agree with other posters that this has its roots in sexism. Sad and Sorrowful Men on Their Own seem to attract Mother Hens in their droves, whereas the expectation is that as a woman, you'll somehow cope. It's utterly infuriating, but it will help you to learn a lot in the coming months about who is truly a friend.

A couple of other points for you to consider. Although you say that you don't think your family has any particular axe to grind with you, a crisis like this has a curious way of unleashing all sorts of familial grievances and it's possible that some of them are using this situation to 'get back at you' for their own unresolved jealousies that have festered over the years.

The other issue is that unfortunately, infidelity (unlike violence or substance abuse) is one of the only abusive behaviours within marriage for which society feels free to blame the 'victim', if not entirely at least partly. If you are sensing any of that crap coming from family and friends, put them straight and take no responsibility for what your husband chose to do. This is a really important point because in this situation, men and women often feel absurdly ashamed about what's been done to them. Sometimes others' reactions worsen that feeling.

You need to surround yourself with people who are truly in your corner and understand what you are going through. In times like this, the most unlikely heroes and heroines emerge and the people you thought would be there for you, often aren't because of their own issues.

My ex was abusive . My freinds would often urge me to leave. I did , and to my horror found myself in your position . My once supportive freinds ( one in particular ) and my family , would desperateley try to persuade me to give him another chance coming up with the usual myths ( he doesnt know hes doing it / maybe he will change / maybe hes depressed / im not the easiest person to live with ) .

My ex had sexually assaulted me ( something he didnt mean to do apparently ) and this wasnt something i wanted to disclose ) but did so in an attempt to make them realise just how bad things had been . Their response ? Maybe i should have had sex with him more often , maybe i should go to the docters to find out why i had such a low sex drive ( i dont ) , men get carried away sometimes and the best of all We all have to do things we dont like , its called negotiating.

I couldnt beleive it , i was already in a very distressed state , and of course they fed back to me all the reasons and excuses he had previously tried to use . I often wondered if i had been wrong and over reacted . One particular family member did as yours is doing , offered him support , and a person i thought to be a good freind did the same , inviting him round for meals and attempting to act as a go between to get us back together . Freind was a freind no more .

Fast forward to now and family member regularly trys to whinge to me about her husband , how unhappy she is , how mean he is . I dont feel inclined to listen nor to be supportive . Freind has gotton divorced and is now accessing local domestic violence services . She has apologized and has the insight to see why she supported him . She is also on the receiving end of similar treatment from her own freinds and family . Again , i do not have the inclination to be supportive , it was a tough time , and while i understand why she did what she did , i no longer consider her a freind .

Bloody hell, diggs that sounds rough. You do doubt yourself at times. It's awful, when you realise you are not getting the right support so you bring out the big guns, in your case, the sexual assault (so sorry ), thinking 'this'll make them realise what he's really like' and they still support him. Unbelieveable.

I think it is as someone said upthread, they do not want to think bad of someone, so just don't, and the sooner you shut up about it and stop rocking their established world-view, the better

Hatty, I don't think I have any true friends, seriously don't. This situation shows I have no-one to turn to who will be completely on my side. I can understand people not piling in with a slating of him (in case we get back together) but people, including my best friend, genuinely start every conversation with 'how's H? been so worried about him etc.' Then may go on to ask how excited about the baby I am, but rarely how I am. Either they just don't wanna hear it or assume I must be over it all.

My farrier did call him a 'cunt' though when I told him what he'd done...cheered me up for while

I have no idea if we will get back together ever but this behaviour by f+f makes me so uncomfortable that if we ever did I now know they'll hold me responsible for his wellbeing and blame me for any more problems. Makes a reunion much less appealing when really it should be about him and me, not them.

Asda, I feel similar to you about not having any true friends. We moved a year before separating and were obviously going through a lot of problems in that year. I am sure I didn't stay in contact as well as I could have with our friends but I did make an effort. When I let them know what had happened, not one of them responded or even acknowledged what had happened. I was genuinely shocked, we're talking about 6 families who I would have considered good friends, for 9 years we babysat for each other, had dinner parties together, etc etc and I simply haven't heard a word from any of them since I told them we had separated. I was, of course, the one who maintained these friendships. Interestingly, Ex has been contacted by several of the men.

But, my counselling is beginning to make a difference, slowly but surely. Unfortunately, I'm having to undo very old patterns which takes time but I am finally (after over a year) beginning to feel I am making progress. I have some new friends, they aren't close yet, and it will probably take me a long time to trust anyone again, but they do understand.

And you are right, it's not fair and it's okay to feel like that. It really isn't fair and I'm sure you hate it and that's okay too. It doesn't make it any better but it is the truth and it is important to truely acknowledge the truth even if it is only to yourself.

nothing useful to say but you're right, 'it's not fair!'.

i think you are being very self restrained in not having exploded over all of this.