H can't seem to see he is depressed - what can I do?

[Blackcloud]

. Reposted from mental health section (and namechanged!)

I am pretty sure dh is depressed and has been since dc1 was born 8 years ago. It has got increasingly bad, I realise now, since dc2 was born and life has got busier. Bascially looking back I think I have transferred some of the 'nurturing' to the children and this has left him feeling unsupported. He is incredibly anxious, particularly when tired (gets vastly more sleep than me, I have taken on all the non-sleeping toddler duties as he is foul if up at night) and seems to want to scale back on anything remotely stressful. I suppose the best way to describe him is 'joyless' - a black cloud of negativity hangs over our family life. He is critical of our elder child (actually pretty well behaved) and has a shorter and shorter fuse when tired. Has on occasion pushed and shoved her when she doesn't immediately obey. He is also utterly unable to cope with the normal mess that a toddler makes eg when eating. He clearly dislikes his job, but won't discuss alternatives.

Anyway, apparently he is not depressed, the cause of all his problems is me and I do nothing to support him. This is because I have tried to talk through what might be wrong and in the process have suggested he might have some control over his moods eg eating more regularly, trying to count his blessings etc.

Things came to a head last night when he was tired and coldy and we both agreed he should move out for a bit, again I am apparently "completely unsupportive" towards him. So he has gone off with a suitcase to get some space.

I suppose if I am honest I don't feel 100% sympathetic to someone who takes no responsibility for his happiness - he is always the victim. I am not suggesting that everything is his fault and if he is depressed I would absolutely help him, but what can I do if he refuses to admit it?

Friends who haven't seen him for a while btw are shocked by the change in him, so I am not alone in this view.

Can anyone help? I feel sad for us all really

only he can help himself.

my exP was as you describe when in throes f depression. he got worse and worse. (he had other personality issues too it wasnt "just" depression) .

is good he has gone - make it an ultimiatum - go to GP and do the depressin questionnaire, seek help. or you dont come back.
simple.

if you seriously concerned for his mental state call local police number they can check on him.

but he is an adult and responsible for his mental health and you cannot cure or treat him or help him (that is differnet from support btw) just as you cannot fix a borken leg unless you medically traiined to set it.

• he has to go and seek that help.

unless you are a trained counsellor/therapist/GP/pasychiatrist - then you really cannot help him - he has to get that help from profressionals.

Been there with a previous partner.

People often don't realise they are depressed or don't want to admit it. Sometimes they make a life changing decision (get divorced, get married, change job, have a baby, move house) thinking it will make them feel better. It doesn't. It may give a temporary boost but that is all.

As cestlavielife says, he needs to help himself. No-one else can do it for him.

Google "living with a depressed person" for some articles that may help.

Thank you both. I suppose that's what I suspected. Have been fantasising about crushing antidepressants into his cereal (joke) but I guess I have to wait until he sees it for himself. Last time I put my foot down he was away for 1 night before coming home with flowers, saying he didn't want to lose us. Lasted about 5 mins, so I really will be looking for a Plan this time. Thank you again.

Are you sure he's depressed?
He just sounds nasty.
Pushing and shoving your DD, being intolerant of your toddler, finding fault blaming you for everything are the behaviours of an abusive man, not necessarily a depressed one. Even if he is depressed that's no excuse.

He is a bit nasty at the moment tbh, but he never used to be. He was lovely once which is why I feel it is worth sorting....

I've suffered from depression myself and it would never, ever occur to me to shove a child as a result.
He started being nasty when your first DC was born because he was no longer the centre of the universe.

I can see it looks like that, but I think mainly he feels parenting is impossibly hard and feels out of control. He admits he is not comfortable with the chaos and the mess and the general out of controlness. He had a similar period before the dcs when we did a big move, but things gradually improved because I suppose you get rest and relaxation before children. The troughs are more easily weathered. Now we just rattle on with no family help and no rest. Not an excuse to be unpleasant I agree....

Heushed and shoved dd.
He has had troughs before has he ever had help before anti depressants counselling or ?
He won't accept he needs help
He blames stress on th chaos the dc bla bla bla.

Just like my exP

Look don't let him back.
If he doesn't seek help then he will just get worse.
If he can't manage day to day stress and chaos of dc then you literally cannot have him around.
The next push or shove may be much bigger harder more damaging and frankly there is no excuse ..I made excuses for my exp so many times....

My exp also had troughs over eg new kitchen etc
Then it was ds having sn
Then dd having medical needs

He got worse and worse more anxious he refused to take ads,

Stupid psychologist doing Cbt with I'm ( he did go for that ) said we should go on holiday...when we came back he literally blew up over post holiday chaos of luggage etc it was not pretty.
But it led to separation I finally saw the light....
five years d
Own the line he has continued to have peaks and troughs
Now takes ads when needed but frankly he hasn't changed and you know what it makes no difference that I am with him or not. But we me and dc have a much better life

Thanks cestlavie - I am glad life for you and the dc has improved. I suppose I am working on the basis that he is a decent bloke who has lost his way. I have known him for many many years and he has never been strong in a crisis (avoidance and denial are his main coping methods) but he has never been this bad. Has nobody found a way out of this but stayed together??

two examples - when my exP was going thru this a friend's husband asked me what ads he was on and told me that he had been on same, that tihngs had been bad and that wife had said to him: take ADS get help or get out.
for him the firm boundary worked. he took Ads, things werent easy but they back on track. he got better back to normal. they have a good life.

another fried was deeply depressed for a very specific reason but it got really bad. she wasnt caring for Dc properly life was miserable for all and her h said: if you cant pick yourself up get help then you need to go. now. go to your mothers and stay there she got help and tho they spent some time talking about divorce they have stayed together.

my exP tho - when he had good times i knew that the bad would follow. there were lots of other things that later i realised were not just depression. more like control he was using depression/stress as an excuse to control etc. also his negativity just became too much. once he had displayed agression that was it.

yours haspushed and shoved your dd.
that is a really bad sign.

unless he was immediately sorry and showed great remorse ?

in the end it is your choice what you do, if you stay together etc.

if the good times outweigh the bad.
if the DC are happy and fine.
if you dont have to moderate your behaviour so as not to stress him out.
if he keeps his depresion in control, understands you and dc need time apart when he is depressed
if he takes and makes a lot of effort to treat and manage it

read anne sheffield depression fallout
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0609804154/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=103612307&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0060009349&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_r=1RJ28K5R6KBRNCZKJQCS

read chapter 12 on innocent victims children of depressed parent

book includes refernece to lots of research studies. worth reading chapter at a time.
get informed on how his depression can impact you and DC

then decide how you will manage it.

thank you for that - it is really useful to hear. I wonder if I am deluding myself as control is probably a part of it for dh too. The good times are minimal at the moment and are certainly not outweighing the bad, and no he shows/showed no remorse when he pushes and shoves. Mostly denies it or says she needed to be taught a lesson . I suppose it doesn't sound good.

I will read that book and have a think. It is so daunting though. I am a SAHM with no nearby family - stopped work because of dd's medical needs and it will be virtually impossible to restart in the same career as a lone parent.

I was banking on there being a way back for us all.....