should I leave?

[turbochildren]

Me and my partner have had a rocky relationship from the start. My fault really. Now we have three children, and I thought we were so happy, finally. But things from the past keep being brought up, so many things that I have done wrong and I don't even remember them, but he does. And yesterday two big things were brought up, my faults, which I have apologised for. But he doesn't accept the apologies, he wants me to think about it and come to him and talk about it. But I seem unable to. And finally I said I don't want to live with him anymore. Which I've said many times, and I keep looking for a job as otherwise I would have to leave the country. (No friends and family here) ANd now I really do not want to be in a relationship with him anymore,as I am the one making him so unhappy. And he went to the children and said Mummy is going to move out of the house. And then I had to talk to them, and my oldest was so upset. And I could not bring myself to promise I would stay to start with, although after a while I did. But it may be a promise I have to break.

I am wrong in so many things, I'm really far from perfect, but I think this was wrong. But he said I was the first one to do blackmail when I left two years ago, and took the children with me.

And I think he is a bully. But then I've always had a tendency to feel sorry for myself. I just can;t cope with this. He gets so angry and bangs things and throws stuff around and drags me about. He doesn't hit me except once. He says since I slapped him in the face once, ten years ago, it is me who brought this physical violence. Is that really right. He is older than me, and I was 21 when we met. I don't know what to do now.

He sounds abusive.

Dragging you round and throwing things is violence. Making you apologise for the past continually, never accepting apologies, constantly criticising your character and dragging up real or imagined mistakes or faults all the time - that's mental and emotional abuse.

There is no excuse for what he is doing to you. Have a look at the Women's Aid website. I don't know where you live, but they have good advice on there that will hopefully help you see it's not you - it's him.

If you dont remember these faults or incidants it is likeley they didnt occur . Its no fun being in a relationship where your default position is to always be in the wrong and endlessly apologising . He does indeed sound like a bully . Does he treat anyone else like this ?

And yes, to answer your thread title, you should leave and take the dc with you. He's already using them as pawns and will do them untold damage with his manipulation.

but he gets so upset and angry when I told him (2 years ago) that the councillors said he was a bully and being abusive, he said it's because they just hear my side of it and I get so worked up with crying. Now he wants my family to aplologise to the children for he;lping me then, and I dont know if I even want him and my family to ever meet again. It's easier that they don't. He thins my family are freaks and did not give me a proper education. they are teahcers, and certainly not perfect. but I think they were just helping me. I told him I don't speak to anyone about him/us anymore. I did in the past, and it hurt him a lot.

Contact womens aid and get some real help in getting away from him .

I can't tell you whether you should leave or not, that has to be your decision, but what I can say is what your partner is doing is wrong. Are you sure the things he is telling you about actually happened if you can't remember them? He is definately a bully, he is constantly belittling you and making you feel that everything is your fault which I'm sure really isn't the case. And he's using emotional blackmail by telling your children you are leaving. You are not making him unhappy, he is turning everything round to make himself look like a victim when in fact you are the victim in this, he his eroding your self worth with his putting down. His anger is very worrying, as is his dragging you around, NOTHING, even IF you did slap him 10 years ago, gives him the right to be violent towards you. I, personally, think you would be best out of this relationship, if only for your own sanity. Can you look into help in the country you are in? Benefits, help with rent, support groups etc so that maybe you can leave before you get a job? Or would you be able you go home? You need support through this.

He wants to isolate you so you have no help and support and are reliant on him - that's why he kicked off about the counsellors and why he expects unreasonable things of your family and is so nasty about them.

I know I come across as a bit of an idiot. I left two years ago, but came back, and we even had another child. I thought we could be a happy family together. The children (especially the oldest) notice the arguing. I try to just not say anything, but that gets him going to.I feel like there si nothing I can or can't do as there's no pleasing him. He drinks in the garden, and keeps trying to stop that, but I always bring something stressful that puts an end to that.
I don't understand if it's me who is just a massive idiot for not being able to function properly.
WHen I work, I get on well with people, I'm a bit silly and not the worlds brightest spark, but in general things go well and people are happy. (am self employed health therapist)
I thought maybe I have ADD, as I'm not very tidy or organised, and often tired.
Sorry for going on. It's good to get stuff off my chest.

I have nowhere to go at the moment. And I can't take the children. I can only go home (out of the country) and it would be classed as kidnapping if I took the children with me.
Thanks for reading and replying. will read the sugested page.

Are you sure? If your information comes through him, I wouldn't believe him. Get some legal advice on the quiet.

You don't come over as an idiot - I think he's really done a number on you. It suits him to make you feel in the wrong and crap all the time.

His drinking is not your responsibility. He chooses to blame you when he wants a drink. But he's the one who lifts the glass.

You don't come over as an idiot at all, you come over as someone who needs support and help. Don't be so hard on yourself OP, this is NOT your fault.

Turbo , its so sad to hear that you think so badly of yourself due to his constant criticizing and sniping . Its not normal to do that to your partner . Im willing to bet that most of the things he claims you are , or claims that you have done , are actually things that he is , or things that he has done .

Please talk to womens aid , they can help you to get rehoused , and advise you what to do . Your not stuck in this , although im sure it feels like it .

I know that him drinking is because he is an alcoholic. But it's hard when he does not see that, and repeats that the reason he is out there drinking is to find solutions for us to be happy. It doesn't even make seense what he says sometimes, and it's worrying. he does not accept that his behaviour is different if he's had a few drinks.
thank you, kodachrome.

I had legal advice in the past. I should not have gone back. not a week goes by without him pointing out what untold damage I caused going away with the children. I went because he threatened to rape me, and prior to that we had a long period where we had to do a specific sexual thing which was very painful and which I found humiliating. No was simply not accepted as an answer. He claims that we had to do it to become happy. He was so angry that I had involved other people, and still made it out that he was a changed man. Classic, I suppose.
I thought he would be different, but how can he? I'm not different. I haven't changed, just keep doing the same mistakes and riling him up.

What I don't understand either, is why we can't split up amicably? we're not happy, let's sort something out peacefully for the kids? no.

Your husband is an alcoholic , an abuser and a rapist . You will never get his [permission] to split because he is not willing to give up his victim . He will no doubt treat you as a runaway slave . In reality you do not need his permission , you can just do it . Its not his choice .

Get some real life help from Wa , and get yourself and your children away from this monster .

This sounds like a emotionally and physically abusive relationship. This is not normal and it's not good for anyone involved. You are both adults and you should both take responsibility for your actions - both of you... It's not up to you to fix things alone or 'make him happy'

Please get hold of the 'the emotionally abusive relationship' by Beverley engel... You can download it straight away from amazon onto a kindle app on your phone or pc.

It is incredibly common for people with drink problems to blame it all on someone else. It doesn't make it true. Unless you're physically holding him down and pouring booze down his throat you cannot make someone get drunk. He chooses to drink because he wants to. He will not accept he is an alcoholic because to do so means he will have to stop drinking and he doesn't want to.

What you said about feeling like there is nothing you can do or not do to try to calm him down reminds me a lot of what my relationship was like with my alcoholic ex. When my ex was drunk, she could flip from nice to angry to snarling aggression in a matter of seconds. It took me a long time to realise that it had nothing to do with me. It didn't matter what I did or said because it wasn't about me, it was all about her. Once enough booze had got into her bloodstream then she was a bomb just waiting to go off. I could've been a statue for all the difference my actions made - if she was going to flip then she would flip. And then make up something to blame me for, from "looking at her wrong" to "not saying anything" to "being a fucking wanker".

You won't be able to split amicably from him because he doesn't want that. He'll be a pain in the arse. But that does not mean you cannot split up. And even though he'll continue to be a pain in the arse, he'll be a pain in the arse you can lock out of your house and refuse to answer the phone to.

I reached a point with my ex where I realised that if I stayed with her she would drag me down with her. I could either let go and save both myself or my children, or we were all going to drown under a tidal wave of her booze. I'm not saying that being a single parent is easy but I guarantee you as tough as it is at times, it's still a hundred times easier than living with an aggressive, abusive drunk. It really is.

He's an abusive alcoholic, you're not going to manage an amicable split I'm afraid. I don't understand why you can't stay in the country unless you have a job. Is it an immigration issue? If you're on a spousal visa you can leave and get a small income through the Sojourner Project while you apply for leave to remain. I really think you should speak to Women's Aid and have a look on the Rights of Women webpage too.

You need some RL help, OP by the sounds of it. Your DP sounds like a dangerous man.

Can you speak to Women's Aid, or a RL friend - maybe your family?

It sounds like you need practical help to get you and your kids away safely, if thats what you want...