Help (long and word vomity, there are paragraphs, it all just came out)

[YonSeaCow]

Facts: Recently married, DH has a low sex drive. He is a great bloke otherwise.

Twice before we were married I discovered him getting his 'release' from other sources (not affairs), while making no effort with me.

I have asked him and talked about it. All I get is "I have a low sex drive."

I lost two stone before our wedding and he didn't notice. At all. I asked him and he said he just didn't notice. I said that makes for a huge problem - if you don't even see me anymore, and he couldn't see the problem. I don't know if this means he thinks I'm hideous and that's the issue? I used to think it was because I was overweight but he didn't notice when I wasn't anymore IYSWIM.

I have discussed ways to improve our sex life so many times (we own the joy of sex, lubes, toys etc) and it's a head against a brick wall. I have tried to talk with him about it so many times. His answer last night was just "we'll have to have lots more sex." Which I know won't happen and I'll be back to a tearful, ugly miserable frustrated wreck then the argument will begin again. There's no answers on his part as to what the problem might be, just "I have a low sex drive." If that's the case, why have I discovered him up to shenanigans alone, more than once?

TBH, the sex we have isn't the best anyway, if the main event doesn't occur soon after initiation, he loses interest IYSWIM, so we end up 'doing it' before I am ready and it just hurts, and he doesn't last long anyway. I don't tell him this btw, I try and do things whilst we are having sex to make it better (ie oral when he's losing interest etc. to give me time) doesn't work though.

There isn't an affair or OW on his part, I am confident of that.

What do you all think? Please help, I don't want the rest of my life to be a sexless situation where I feel ugly all the time. There's no consideration on his part to take into account the fact my sex drive's higher than his, although it's changed, not because I don't enjoy sex, but because his behaviour makes me feel so awful about myself that I feel I don't want sex. Almost like my nethers are numb.

Even if you just tell me it's me and plainly obvious to you he doesn't fancy me (he tells me that's not it but I am not so sure) that'd be a relief. I just have no idea what to do anymore. I just feel it's all my fault, and I am an ugly useless undesirable lump of a person.

Thanks if you got to the end of this.

anyone?

Probably even he doesn't know the answer.

Whatever the relationship problem - sex/housework/addiction etc - it seems to me that the solution is the same. You have to work it out between you. You have to get on the same side i.e. either you reduce your sex drive to match his, or he ups his to match yours, or you find a compromise. You may need help to achieve this - books, counselling (apart or together), v. frank discussion (only when not angry).

But if you can't get on the same side, the problem will stay unresolved. Infact it will fester and eat away at your relationship until you are both unhappy much of the time.

So this may be fixable or it may be a deal-breaker, but you won't know that until you have worked through it constructively.

Easier said than done I know, but it won't fix itself and, from what you say, he needs to really get that this is a big issue before you can move forward.

Oh, and I doubt it has anything at all to do with your appearance and everything to do with his take on sex.

Arm yourself with knowledge my love... if you let this go on it will drive you two apart.

Get hold of 'The Sex Starved Wife' by Michele Weiner Davis. Also worth reading 'What Men Want' by Bettina Ardnt (not as crap as it sounds, its actually a proper psychological study and includes a chapter on men with low sex drive).....

Just checking... any indication that he is not straight?

Maybe he is just tired, or lazy. Bringing yourself off is generally quicker and less effort than sex with someone else, isn't it? If that were the case, then he needs to get his act together, because the situation clearly isn't fair on you. Sorry, better advice from PPs.

Thank you everyone, and thanks for the reading refs lady.

I have asked that question myself, and I don't think that he's gay, I really don't. But I am so confused at the moment it has stirred as a possibility in my mind again. I have asked before, and the porn (that I've seen!) etc is female not male.

From what you've described, his lacklustre efforts when you DO have sex, no interest in YOUR pleasure, and you catching him masturbaring, I'd have to say I think he's just a lazy selfish bastard who is only interested in getting off as fast as he can with as little effort as possible. I don't know what you can do about it really so not much help - sorry!

tooeasily I am inclined to think there's some truth in that, as when he's on top he rests his head on the pillow as if he can't be bothered holding it up (TMI?)! Plus there are other concerns in terms of his consideration toward me (not sex related).

I have ordered the sex starved wife, and the other one I read the intro to and it looks very interesting so I think I'll order that one too!

First of all, If he's been masturbating in preference to having sex, it's a lie that he has no sex drive.

If he is a long-term porn user, it could be that it has completely desensitised him to sex with a real-life person and in turn, he has dehumanised you. Sex has become all about a quick release for him, with no regard for your pleasure or comfort. Entering you before you are ready will be uncomfortable and painful for you, but that is either the intention (a lot of porn is about 'punishing' women) or is just another example of him not 'seeing you' as a sensatory human being capable of feeling pain.

I'm struggling to see how he is a 'great bloke' in every other aspect, especially when you have said that he fails to 'see you' in other areas. I'm also puzzled about why you would marry someone when these problems were so evident.

I can only assume that you've either been blinkered about his true personality or he was once very different. If the latter, I can assure you that nothing will improve all the while he uses porn, whereas lots of women notice a dramatic difference in their partners once they stop using it. However, for that to work he would have to make a cognitive choice to stop, based on either the evidence of the harm the porn industry does to people in it, or the effect it is having on his personality and relationships - better still, both.

If you are benign about porn use, you are actively contributing to the problem.

I know this isn't helpful, but why did you marry him? If he's not making you feel good about yourself and takes you completely for granted, why is it that you thought you were worth so little?

It sounds awful. It is heart-breaking to read how you try to make the sex better for yourself without him even knowing. He should want to please you.

It really sounds like he doesn't give a stuff.

koda I am beginning to wonder if I have made a mistake by getting married, and it's a very had thing to think about.

windsor I made my views clear about the porn use - it's not something I like approve of or want to be happening, and I don't know if it still does - I'm too frightened to ask, how pathetic is that? I completely agree with your first sentence, and I feel lied to, but he won't admit it, just keeps saying he "has a low sex drive".

Perhaps you should tell him you are starting to wonder whether you made a mistake in marrying him and see if he will go with you to relationship counselling or sex therapy?

If he won't do anything to make things better for you (apart from feeble promises that you know he won't keep for long), then it might be time to consider doing something drastic. It's a pretty bleak future in this marriage as it stands.

If his behaviour towards you and towards RL sex has stayed the same or worsened, yes he's still using porn. I think if you really knew the type of porn he has been accessing, it would horrify you and it would cause a lightbulb to come on about the links between it and his behaviour.

The fact that you can't ask him about it is telling.

You don't have to stay with someone like this. It's okay to say you made the wrong decision in marrying him.

You poor thing, you sound so confused and sad. I really feel for you. First and foremost, this is NOT about you being ugly, useless or undesirable. Please don't talk about yourself like that. I'm sure your dh is not a bad person but he does sound deeply selfish and lazy, resting his head on the pillow ffs!

This is a pretty common problem but unfortunately it's not easy to rectify, and virtually impossible when all one partner wants to do is bury their head in the sand and for you to basically put up and shut up and stop going on about it.

Well done for losing 2 stone that is seriously impressive, fuck whether or not he noticed it is something that will benefit you whatever. Regardless of whatever weight you are you deserve a loving, fulfilling sex life and he won't work with you on this then you may as well be banging your head against a brick wall quite honestly.

Is he this this selfish in other areas too, I know you say he is a great bloke otherwise but is this because you generally give him his own way and he pleases himself most of the time?

His psychosexual issues are HIS issues and they can be worked on with a sex therapist IF he is willing to try but from what you've said it sounds as if he is in denial or just plain can't be arsed. At the moment there is no incentive for him to change though, have you actually told him your marriage could be on the line here if he doesn't sort this out?

Please remember though, this is a big enough deal for you to divorce his arse over, it sounds as though you have been incredibly patient and understanding but you need to consider your own needs and feelings too, because he sure as hell isn't. I am worried that you will end up with such low self-esteem and confidence that you will no longer believe that you deserve to be treated better and you DO.

I'm wondering if perhaps the marriage came when perhaps you were thinking of leaving or were dissatisfied, but then he proposed and it all seemed like it could work and he did love you more than he showed? If it was a bit like that, then his answer now might be let's have kids or have another baby.Don't go for that one.

I know it's a bit embarrassing (for one thing) and upsetting to consider serious intervention or possibly ending it early in a marriage, but you really don't want to look back in ten years time and be in the same place.

Exactly how much do you have sex with him? How much would you like it?

So he can't even be bothered to do things for you? Perhaps to go down on you and give you pleasure and then perhaps see if he's "up" for full sex? He does sound very selfish.

It can be really difficult when you have differing sex drives and I have seen countless times on here women posting that they don't want it as much as their male partner. A lot of the answers are usually along to lines of "why should you help him out if you're not in the mood, he should just masturbate". But I don't entirely agree with that. Sex is more then just a release, it's about showing your love, attraction and being loving with each other. You aren't getting these things so it's no wonder you are feeling so shit about yourself.

I have had the problem the other way around (him wanting it more then me) and I do "help him out" but not if I am really not in the mood. It's about balance.

I don't really see where you can go from here. It sounds as though talking is getting you nowhere and actually, it sounds like he just doesn't care! He sounds like a selfish man and I would consider whether you want to stay with him and continue feeling the way you do forever. He's not just going to suddenly change.

You could of course see a sex counsellor or someone together but I doubt that would change the fact that he is sexually lazy and selfish.

First of all, thank you for all the supportive comments.

We have sex roughly once a month, not even that sometimes. He doesn't go down on me at all - he has done, but rarely and doesn't bother anymore (despite me telling him how great it was!).

He won't do anything for me at all, if I try to initiate and he doesn't want to have sex that's that, there's no compromise.

It's not that I want it 24/7, far from it, I'd just like it a little more often and better quality. I want to feel desirable and loved by him, which in a sexual way I don't. He gives me lots of cuddles and that sort of affection, but not 'sexy' affection IYSWIM.

He does has a tendency to be selfish in other areas, not in a nasty malicious way, just in a "I haven't even thought about you" type way, like it didn't even cross his mind. Seems to float through life in a world of his own.

So he won't even do something for you manually (fingers)? Not everyone likes oral of course.

He just sounds like a selfish arse.

He's obviously just not very used to having to consider other people's needs. He is unlikely to become the lover you want him to be, tbh. He has had years to address this with your help and support and if anything it sounds as though he's got worse.

I know some people don't like oral sex which is fine I guess (although I wouldn't want a partner like that!) but he should be making up for it in other ways.

I'm sure he loves and cares for you very much but it's ok if that isn't enough for you. I know it wouldn't be enough for me.

I just don't think I could be with someone who was that inconsiderate and thoughtless tbh regardless of in which area of our life it was, he sounds like he couldn't care less. I would leave. I know that's not what you want to hear but I could not share my whole life with someone who thought so little of me.

He should:
tell you how beautiful you are and generally compliment you
take time and effort to help you enjoy life wether this be making you a cup of tea/ running you a bath/ bringing you flowers or making you fulfilled in bed.
enquire how your day was
make time and effort to help you in general life - maybe take your car to the garage, housework, make dinner etc it's give and take that helps a marriage successful imo.

Communication is vital in making a marriage work and you BOTH have to make the effort too.

When he is giving you a few word answers to something you need more answers to then he is failing.

Have you asked him WHY he won't pleasure you if he's not interested in sex himself? What would he think if years down the line you had an affair because a bloke did find you attractive and made a move on you? After years oif being ignored and unfulfilled who wouldn't be tempted?

love I think that's one of the scariest thoughts I've had - would I be tempted to have an affair to fulfill that hole? Can I carry on like this forever? I know I can't, and I have put a lot of effort into sorting it which isn't reciprocated.

I've even asked if it's something I'm doing in terms of not making HIM feel sexy enough IYSWIM so he doesn't feel like it, he said no. I even threw out my favourite grotty pjs as he said they were a turn off. (I had had them over 10 years and they were grey and shapeless so it's a fair point).

I am at my wits end, and very, very sad.

Have you been together a long time?
Has he always been this way or has he got worse?
Did you hope things would change after marriage?
Is he older?

I had an ex partner who was older than me and as time went by he became impotent - though not overnight. He wouldn't discuss and I would also have to resort to 'intervention' to keep things going. He reacted as if he resented me and I was the cause. Paradoxically the 'worse' he became the more he was on porn sites.
Wonder if he feels less manly because he can't keep up with you?

I think I'm like your DH, I have a low sex drive. I try to increase frequency to an ok level for both of us as DH sex-drive much higher.

IMO, masturbating isn't the same as wanting sex (sex is much more work [sorry] )

If he's always been like this I'm sure its nothing to do with him not thinking you're attractive.

Not sure what else to say, how is his self-esteem? mood?

Low self-esteem can make people (me!) self-conscious and low mood=low libido, plus anti-depressants =even lower libido.

But, he's being unkind by refusing to talk about it, don't keep looking at it as something about/or a reflection on 'you'. Would say this is probably more about him.

Although I could be completely wrong, but thats how it is in my relationship, my having low desire is not my DP's fault in any way.

Hope this helps a little.

Do you think he doesn't fancy you much? He sounds like he CBA with sex, not sex to be close and loving anyway, only a quick oragsm when he feels like it.

I don't think I would want that long term. Do you? Is he willing to work towards improving things?

We've been together a few years now, and I suppose I have held onto the hope it would improve, he has always been this way - sometimes there's an improvement for a short while and it seems ok then it goes back to usual.

Thanks sparkly. It's great that you take into account your DH and try and compromise . I agree, masturbation is different, I think that's why that avenue wouldn't work for me and clearly does for DH.

TBH moaning I don't think he does fancy me. He says it isn't that but his behaviour says different iyswim.