Disappointed in him...and in me

[Hidari]

I've just posted on another thread on the subject of what happens when DHs/DPs put on weight and whether we still find them attractive etc. I'm sitting here thinking a lot about this issue and concluding it's just one facet of a marriage that is not very healthy at the moment, if not going downhill fast.
Briefly, long 20 years plus marriage, both late 40s, 2 kids one moved out, one still at home. I've been mostly a SAHM thus allowing DH to pursue a good career. He's a decent guy, a good provider but he has increasingly become a workaholic and takes the position that all he has to do to contribute to the household is bring in a good salary.
He helps a bit around the home, cooks a few meals at weekends but that's about it - has no friends to socialise with and (he says) no time for hobbies.
His lack of activity has led to him putting on a lot of weight - see other thread. He's always moaning about how stressed he is (wouldn't exercise help?)
I now have a part time job and in my spare time play netball, walk a lot and swim. It's important to me to look decent - okay I'm not perfect - have been a size 12 most of my life, now pushing 14 - but I make the effort.
Our sex life is non-existent now - I'm just not attracted to someone who won't make an effort for me, so I manage without. TBH, that side of things has never been any great shakes and we are now like brother and sister.
His excess weight means he snores a lot and so I would say 4/5 nights a week I sleep in the spare room.
I keep thinking he will mention the lack of sex eventually but he never does and I don't want to, because I fear I'd turn nasty. Shallow as I may seem, I have taken him to task about the weight thing, but to no avail - see other thread.
I'm just so disappointed in this set-up - in myself for not seeing a way through but in him for burying his head in the sand and not facing up to the problems.
These things though are so personal I can't bring myself to talk about them in Real Life.
The other thing preying on my mind is that, last summer he was away on business - I needed a USB "stick" to copy some files onto, I knew he had a few in a drawer so I borrowed one, only to find some porn (movie clips) on it. Even though we weren't and aren't having sex, I was furious and disgusted, and yet couldn't bring the subject up as I would have to admit I'd sort of snooped into his things. It made me feel I didn't know him at all
Don't know what I am asking for here, MN friends, in terms of sympathy, advice etc. Just late at night, am on my own and needed to dump it all somewhere....thanks for listening

Talk to him about his weight. If it is a considerate amount (talking stones rather than pounds) then as his wife you should be able to mention it.

Make it about his health and your worries about that, rather than saying you find him unattractive to start off with perhaps.

You have been together for so long, that surely you can be blunt with each other. Plonk a chicken salad in front of him tomorrow night and say "right, health kick for us two from now on, we are turning into couch potatoes!"..

Good of you to reply squeaky - may be worth a try - he is the original salad/vegetable dodger though
Anyone else any thoughts? Feeling a bit embarrassed baring my soul like this.

Do you ever go out together, or go on holiday or weekend trips? Or does his work get in the way?

Other thing - DC1 leaving might be making H feel old?

Dont feel embarassed. You have no reason to at all.

My husband was also a bloke who liked his food, and had bread with everything, and we both piled on a fair bit of weight over the last few years. He was quite lucky in that most of his was on his belly and his face, but nowhere else.. mine was more evenly spread out!!

Last year I decided I needed to lose a couple of stone, and would do something about it. So I made quite a few drastic changes to our diet at home. As I am the one who does all the cooking (very happy to, I should add, as I love cooking and faffing about with recipes), I took control.

My husband didnt even realise that "we" were on a diet. The bugger lost more than I did!

I swapped butter for low fat butter, full fat milk for skimmed, added extra veg and cut down on potato. Cut the fat off any meat, and used turkey as the main meat rather than beef. My husband really did not notice the difference (most of the recipes I tried out were from the slimming world or weigh watchers magazines), and I lost 2 stone, he lost 3, over a period of 8 months.

I will admit my husband was really supportive of me dieting, and would encourage me on, but once he weighed himself and realised he had lost his first stone too, he was just as interested and now he does think twice before having danish pastries (his downfall) or eating huge portions.

I should add, I did also go to the gym, but my husband has a very physical job anyway, so his weight loss was definately just down to the reduction in calories.

it sounds like more than just weight stuff though doesn't it? i don't think putting him on a diet and taking responsibility for his diet would help really.

it sounds like you just don't have any connection anymore. he's happy to just work and wank to porn now and then without a sexually intimate relationship, or by the sounds of it any real kind of intimacy. he sounds, well like the sort of person who could just go along with anything and not be proactive or deal with issues etc. whereas you want more than that. you say you've tried talking to him about his weight but have you talked to him about the underlying stuff? that you don't feel like you are really 'together' anymore? that his focus is work? that you don't have sex? etc. that's the real stuff isn't it? i think you have to try talking to him to know where things really are at and how you feel about it.

i think honesty, gentle but honesty, is your friend now. tell him you feel you've reached a fork in the road in your lives and that either you go down this same route and grow ever more apart and doom the relationship to splitting or just being a total sham or you now do some work on your relationship and try to save it.

don't feel bad for wanting more in your life than sharing a house with a man you have no intimacy with. you're only 40, we're due a better innings of happiness than that i reckon.

I don't think there is anything wrong with talking to him if you think he needs to lose weight, you are his wife. His lack of sex drive is maybe linked to having put on weight and the fact that he works so much, it's a vicious circle and one that's hard to get out of. I think Squeaky's approach is excellent, you don't have to eat salad to lose weight, lots of fresh veg with meat and and fruit/nuts/low fat yoghurts etc, there is plenty of variety. These stupid bloody women's magazines make us think that if our weight loss plan contains more than one lettuce leaf and a carrot you may as well not bother. Makes me sooooo mad. Try and suggest some active weekend outings as a couple, walking, cycling etc it will help to reconnect you, get you a bit fitter as well.

If he refuses to compromise you need to explain how much this is hurting you and see how he reacts, if he says he still can't be bothered there are greater problems than being over weight. Years ago my husband got stuck in a similar rut and I decided to leave him and it was only at that point did he decide to do something. We realised after that actually he had been quite depressed and it took a lot of hard work to sort ourselves out but years on we are happier now than we have ever been.

Hi, yes I realise the weight thing is probably something of a peg I am using to hang the other issues on. I know we need to talk but it will sound like I am getting at him on a number of fronts and he will be resentful, defensive and if past experience is anything to go by, won't want to talk about it. However, writing this all down has helped me clarify how I feel about the situation. I thought I was still angry about the porn thing but in some ways I can understand if he's not getting any satisfaction from me. I have felt like leaving, increasingly lately and almost think that's the kind of threat he needs to jolt him into action. I can't understand why he doesn't confront me about these issues around intimacy or lack of it.
He is indeed stuck in a rut - work, tea, slump infront of Sky sports on tv, bed - start all over again. It feels sometimes like I'm married to an old man, even though he's slightly younger than me. Even my dad, a pensioner, is more active and pro-active! As I said before DH seems to think all he has to do is bring in a decent wage and that almost exonerates him from making any other practical contributions.
I am mulling over the idea of couples counselling where we could get all this out in the open, in front of someone who might be able to help us.

yes i think it sounds like you need to make clear he is at the risk of losing you if he doesn't want to address the problems hidari - not wanting to talk about it, being resentful etc just to shut you up is not an option.

have a chat with him see what he says, see what he thinks of the idea of counselling etc. give him a bit of time to think about it and then bring it up again and see what ideas he has. if none and cba then i think you have a decision to make as to whether you can carry on like this or want to start again solo.

Thanks for that, appreciate your kind words - will be out rest of day but going to give it some thought whilst driving...can't go on like this, life's too short!

I can't understand why he doesn't confront me about these issues around intimacy or lack of it.

But you're not confronting him about these issues either. Maybe he's thinking exactly the same thing as you, wondering why you're not bringing it up.

One thing is for certain, now that you've acknowledged on here your thoughts and feelings, one of you has to do/say something or you're on the path of slow decline to either the end of your marriage or spending the rest of your life miserable together.

I agree with tooeasilytempted. You ahve to talk about it or you will just keep mulling along until maybe one of you snaps. as for the porn dont worry only that hes obvioulsy thinking about it so thats a start. He maybe is very aware of his wieght.. and feels unattractive the porn sounds just lke an escape from his reality.

But it does need addressing before it goes in the potnetially the wrong direction of you yourself become so unhappy you qu why youre there..

good luck hun xx

Again, very much appreciate you taking the time to reply. TET - guilty as charged - I too avoid talking about this because I am afraid of the outcome. We have a good life- I know I am very fortunate in many ways. I realise it has helped immensely just putting it into words on here and have had a good hard think about this all today. The porn thing isn't a big issue for me - whilst it's not "my thing" and we wouldn't look at it together I can sort of see why it might have happened - and he knows I have some "Ann Summers" devices and he has never quibbled about those!
I think you're right, SL, about it being an escape
I made a start tonight with tea - salmon and veg all cooked in the steamer and we've had a nice chat over a small glass of wine. We are, amazingly enough, in and amongst all this, looking at a week away in March without the kids - this will be doable as the older one will be around to look after younger one and our pets!
I do know though that we have to talk seriously and am still mulling whether to go for couples counselling.
Really, thanks so much all of you; thought I'd be flamed for being nasty; your kind understanding SO appreciated

Don't attack him or criticise - believe me that is counter productive.

Talk about when you first met, what he looked like and how attractive he was - how sexy you found him. Because it is true and it is a gift you can give him!

Highly likely he is feeling lonely and unloved and comfort eating too.

Then, later, when you have got him in that good frame (I am loved, I remember that time also) - bring up that you would like you BOTH to get healthier, suggest walking together, see how it goes.

How to bring up sex? Tell him you miss him.