Affair. How much longer will the 'slap in the face' feeling last?

[RightFedUp]

Hi
Nearly 6 months since revelation of his short but intense affair. He's doing everything he can to make amends.

I still get the 'slap in the face' shocked feeling when I think about what he really did, though, as it was so amazingly out of character. It's a feeling that's like the look on the face of a stereotypical soap opera 'hysterical woman' when she gets slapped by a friend trying to bring her round. That sounds funny, I suppose, but it does feel just like that look when I think of the reality of what he did.

Any ideas about how long this will take to subside, please?

What kind of things is he doing to make amends? Are you both or is he attending counselling? Does you both have full understanding of why it happened? I think those things can alter how long it takes, but in my experience (H cheated, ONS with someone we both knew, when we first started dating) it took over a year.

Difficult to gauge. I still get it now (although it's more like a punched in the stomach feeling) and that's almost 3 years on. I fully expect to feel it for a lot longer yet, although it's far less frequent these days.

We didn't stay together though, perhaps that makes a difference.

Don't put any pressure on yourself to feel any differently or get over it any sooner than is right for you. Counselling is a great idea.

Thanks Both
We did couples counselling, which was very good and he's stayed on with the counsellor to try to get his own head straight.

I was beginning to think that NOT staying together would help with the painful stuff - being able to move on. So it's interesting to read your post Carly. Though sad too. Sorry.

I would want to know whether it was just sex or emotions. In my experience men are very different to women in that they can separate sex as a purely mechanical act with no emotion, so even though they have strayed it doesnt seem so bad to them as there was no emotion involved. Whilst it still hurts, if you can try to view it from that angle, they havent really been unfaithful in their eyes as they still loved you all along, they just "used" another body for a short sharp bit of relief. Most of them realise afterwards that it wasnt what they wanted at all. The question is whether you can let it go and avoid it eating its way through what is left of your relationship.

I'm sorry but redhead got to disagree with you. For all there is a stereotype around it, I don't think the ability to have "just a shag" is at all gender-specific. I appreciate that's your experience but in mine.... I used to be right fond of a one night stand whereas my husband says the idea of sex without love horrifies him.
Sorry for derail, and sorry you are going through this RightFedUp. Been cheated on in the past (ex, not husband!) and it was horrible. I never did get past that feeling and the relationship went badly to pieces and failed messily over time.

redhead The ONS my H (who was just BF at the time and we're now split for unrelated reasons) had really and truly meant nothing and that's what really bothered me about it, so not sure thinking of it that way always helps everyone. For me, it was worse that he was willing to risk our relationship on absolutely nothing. He totally humiliated me (was very, very publicly) and the meaninglessness for both of them really made it worse.

Hi RightFedUp

I, like you, am 6 months on. And I know what you mean. I have bloody good days but then really hideous ones (like today). They can come out of nowhere, can't they? I have to say I rarely cry. But I'm still having trouble sleeping at least once a week. Also still have days of not eating (that's also related to work stress). I dropped from a curvy size 12 to an 8 (that was over 2 months, and I trying to get my BMI over 20 again - struggling there. Like you, my husband regrets it all, wants to move on etc, started counselling - so things are moving in the right direction. We have lots of things planned for the coming months as a couple and a family.
Anyway, one of my colleagues said it took 2 years to feel complete recovery. They are now 10 years on! So I'm thinking I'm a quarter of the way there. It was amazing once i told a few people, how many had been through this.

When H and I talk (we don't talk about the affair every day - there's no point), we do say we can't change what happened, but we can shape the future and we have realised what we both mean to each other and how we can make each other happy. Hippy crap I know but it works for us.
I stopped posting on here - just too negative for me.

Good luck.

Apparently it takes around 2 years - never.

I think it makes a difference whether the betrayal was a long relationship or a ONS, the betrayal is still the same and the hurt feelings are the same, but you can get your head round/come to terms with one that clearly meant nothing emotionally, like a ONS. Especially if he is horrified with himself and going to counselling like your DP.

I suppose what I am saying it that it can make sense in a way that doesn't destroy you. Not that it means nothing. If he is looking at himself and is preparing not to be vulnerable in the future (these things are so about selfishness and ego!), that is a courageous sign IMO.

They can have an emotional affair and still regret it, it's not just ONSs. You have also got to think about all the stuff around ONS - risking everything for a ONS, did the marriage mean that little? Emotional affair the build up over time, again did I mean so little?

What matters is how you move forwards and what is being done to move forwards?

And you will get good days and bad days.

Thanks for your replies, everyone.

It was meant to be a 'bit of fun' while he was working abroad (and that sounds SO unlike him). When he came back, the continued texting and email and the planning to meet again fanned the flames so to speak, and he told me about it because he was going to leave his family to be with her.

At first, I did everything I could to be 'Mrs Wonderful' and keep my family together. In fact, for a while we had a 'second honeymoon' period. I think it's called hysterical bonding.

I'm feeling more ambivalent as time goes on, though, and I can feel myself detaching from him emotionally and physically.

Sounds like the affair was like so many these days.....nothing to do with his feelings for you or about your marriage, just what looked like an adventure that wouldn't get out of hand.

So I'm puzzled about why you went to couples counselling for so long when this seemed to be all about your husband and not your relationship? I'm less surprised that you're feeling like you do though. I keep coming across women in this situation who think the counselling was good, but wonder why they feel worse when it's over. Did the counselling concentrate on your relationship and not your husband's own issues I wonder? It's good that he's continuing on his own, because really this is about him more than anything or anyone else.

Do you really understand why the affair happened? What changes has your husband made to reassure you that he's a different person to the one who did all this?