Relate

[simonscat]

I've named changed for this though as I don't post regularly on here am not sure anyone would recognise my normal name anyway.

My husband and I have not been getting on very well lately and have been having a lot of arguments where we say pretty hurtful things to each other.

We've always had a volatile relationship and can have very big arguments. When we are not arguing we get along well, have similar interests and enjoy one another's company.

As well as the more recent arguments, our sex life is pretty non-existant and I also don't feel we are talking as much as we used to. When we do talk he gives the impression (sometimes deliberately I think) that he is not interested in what I am saying.

We argued last night and both expressed the opinion that the relationship is on its last legs. We've had this conversation many times before but we've never actually separated. I don't know if this is another re-run of that or if we genuinely are both ready to end the marriage.

We have a 10 month old son together and it is breaking my heart that he is caught in the middle of this. There is obviously an atmosphere when my husband and I are not speaking and the poor little boy will be looking from one of us to the other and smiling at us and is bemused I think that we are not speaking to each other.

I don't want to have to bring up my son living away from his father but at the same time can not carry on with things as they are.

My question - sorry it has taken a long time to get here - is has anyone any experience of using Relate counselling? Is it useful? Would you recommend it?

Thankyou

Anybody?!

No. I'm afraid that I haven't. Sorry.

yes. Twice!!
First time with exdw did no good as she couldnt give a crap and didnt want to save marriage but when going through rocky patch early in relationship with dw we turned to relate and they really did help. Still not perfect but so much better.
Give it a try it sounds like you've got something worth trying to save.
Good luck.

Thanks Balotelli. I'm glad to hear it can be of some use. I think we both do want to work at it really even though right now we are angry with each other and just feel like giving up.

Me and H tried it after his affair after hearing rave reviews.

I hated it. Despite wanting to save our relationship my H clammed up in the sessions insisting everything was fine and he agreed with all the advice/my opinions. But once we'd left the session he seemed to remember nothing, and took on board none of the suggestions.

I also didn't like our (male) counsellor who was very keen to talk about sex even though that was not our main issue.

I'm glad we tried, though, so I would say, give it a go or you may regret it. It may be more useful for couples who are not in the midst of a crisis (as we were) but instead reached a gradual conclusion you need help.

If you are both committed and get the right counsellor it could definately be worth it, but it isn't magic. Good luck.

tried it - wasnt much help i am afraid as i think by that time we had spent so much time disliking eachother no-one could reverse it. We should have finished things a lot sooner but because we had a son we tried everything to work things out. In the end this just prolonged the agony. Now we are apart i have found new love with another man, and my son gets a happier mum and dad with us apart that he ever got when we were together. Good luck

Thanks for your replies everyone.

We talked about trying counselling last night. This morning DH seemed less keen though and this morning I emailed him at work a suggestion that I try to book something for this week. He's not replied though and still is not home from work which is really unusual as he is normally back by 8.00. He's not called or mailed I say where he is. I'm getting more angry with him now and am feeling more like giving up on the relationship.

I hate having to pretend to everyone that everything is ok while my world is actually falling apart. I can't tell anyone how bad things are as I don't want to upset my parents and I don't want my friends to think badly of our relationship of we do stay together. So rubbish.

Hey

I think it is always worth trying to communicate but some people take more from going to Relate than others. It is always worth a shot. You sound so down and it can be a useful place to both be able to say how you feel. Even if that is to separate amicably. I went to Relate with my ex-p and though we are not together it did help in telling each other how we felt in a third party environment. We both were able to say how we felt and now we are in a better place to be friends three years on. I do think though it is very important to make sure you feel you get the right person, my ex and I saw 3 and it varied hugely between sessions, you need to see someone who 'gets' you. Mine eventually said she felt it was abusive and she would only see me alone, but that was helpful too. It won't solve everything but might put you in a useful place of having a dispassionate perspective. You get out whatever you put in, and in my case my ex-p felt that women 'stuck together' and made him out to be bad. That was quite telling in itself.
I'd say - research it as much as you can, think what you both want to get out of it - and use it for yourself. Its an opportunity to sit and talk for an hour about how things are - most people don't get that kind of focussed space.
And best of luck, chin up xx

would you look back and wish you had tried it if/when you split???

You have a DS to think about too. In the future would you like to be able to say you tried everything first or is it (are you) too far gone for that??

and it might help..even with the decision making...to be sure one way or the other???

I wish you all the best for the future, whatever you decide to do.

and PS: all counselling is very personal, so make sure if you go you have a counsellor that you both feel happy with or it will be a waste of time and money! They will not be offended if you ask to see a different person if you don't "click" and they (Relate counsellors) can also say no to clients if they feel the dynamic won't work

fool and slash you have both given me something to think on.

Yes, I would regret not trying everything before walking away from DH.

If we do separate then it would be essential that DH an I are able to be amicable for DS sake. I can't imagine being able to be friends with him post split now but that would definitely be something to aspire to.

I read something that said it takes 2-4 years to get over a split. In my experience that is true. Please try and be kind to yourself, and if its not Relate, any UKCP relationship therapist is a start. Talking is good! Take care of yourself simonscat x

From the experience my friends have had of Relate, people often only go when the relationship has already died, which may be why the success rate might not be so good. There also seems to be a common thread of men not wanting to go and being dragged there kicking and screaming, by their partners.

We've been twice. The first time was straightforward relationship counselling and it was great. Completely practical, lots of common sense feedback from the counsellor. We took it on board and our relationship really benefited. The second time was for psycho-sexual counselling and I didn't find it helpful at all. Put me off sex even more. A less engaging counsellor too.

However, I think most relationships where there are children, are worth a try at Relate, if only to make the separation easier on the child. Relate will also see you on your own and often offer group sessions for people who have just come out of a relationship.

Remember there are other relationship counselling services. I volunteer for a national charity called Marriage Care that offer relationship counselling throughout the country. Counselling is not for everyone, and it can't fix a broken marriage, and it can be paunful but it can also be very helpful (I speak from experience!) .

I went to Relate with a (now) husband who was suffering depression, and me who was suffering stress and illness. I found our counsellor very helpful and non-invasive. She just gave us space to communicate. Remember if you don't get on with one counsellor you can always ask for another. Good luck with whatever you decide.

This lady didn't have a very good experience of Relate: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1391399-Relate-counselling-broken-down-where-next

And they are pricy at £45 a session.

But I think whether you go to Relate or somewhere else it is always worth trying to save a relationship through counselling if you have a child together.

I went with my ExH and they not only missed that the relationship was emotionally abusive but regularly sided with him and told me I had issues with intimacy and trust. When I met a woman who is now a great friend she said of course I did, I was living with a psychopath!

I've since had 'proper' counselling and it really helped. It cost £40 a session and I found her via a search of registered therapists.

I don't know anyone in RL with a good story.

We went private as relate had a long waiting list and I wasn't sure if they had enough expertise in the field of infidelity (some of their counsellors have old fashioned views of what causes affairs).

It seems like the views on the success of counselling is a mixed although most people do think it is worth at least trying.

I'd like I try it. My husband and I are still not talking though as he returned home late last night and went to bed without saying a word. Neither of us said a word to each other this morning either. He's ignored my email about relate too.

One of us will have to give in and start talking first I suppose but I think neither of us can face round two of the argument if we do start talking so it is easier to just ignore each other.

It worked really well for one of my close friends. They'd been together donkey's years and started taking each other for granted a bit. The husband then met someone at work, and although nothing happened, he was tempted and it brought him to his senses and made him realise that something had to be done. They went to counselling, sorted things out and a couple of years on are stronger than ever and planning another baby.

I found them great, as did my h.

We had a male counsellor- that worked well for my h, and I didnt mind either way.

I think it only works if both of you open up and talk about your feelings under the issues, not just the issues.. This is hard to do, even if we think we are good at it.

My h, initially suspicious of counselling (always has been) reacted dramatically from the first session onwards and admitted alot of stuff about the relationship which he had denied for several years. The male counsellor pushed us both a bit , too, which was good..

I did think that it was worth following up with some reading, for us. eg I liked the his needs, her needs by from the marriagebuilders website, and also peterfox.au, both recommended by mn.