Feel like my Mum is pretty selfish , or am I too sensitive ?

[TabithaStillLife]

Had a phone call that left me uneasy yesterday. Last dc I retained my placenta and had pph of about 1000 ml not sure of that is really bad or not?

Anyway at the time when I called her my Mum did tend to speak in terms of how upset it had made her, which I was surprised about. She said she wasn't going through that again with all the worry for example.

I'm due to have dc2 in next few weeks , she said " no drama this time , no nearly dying! " when I was talking about labour. I haOrdly wanted to create a drama and really hope no ambulance trip this time!

She also came to stay for a week when dh had finished pat leave last time , she only got halfway and left abruptly which was very distressing for me in my new mum state. She said she was sensitive after her cancer diagnosis and hadn't been made to feel welcome. She got the all clear a few years ago and I did look after her after 2 ops.

I simply want a bit of support but I'm not sure my Mum is able to do that for me , as she seems to make everything about her? I know I wasn't thinking of her or doing things for her but when I had a newborn that I was struggling to breastfeed I didn't have time to cook, entertain her properly.

Also the day she upped and left was the last day I actually bf I went on to express and ff for 3 months so I really want to crack bf this time so hope she can be a bit more supportive.

Anyone had a similar experience with their mum?
Thanks for reading all this!

My mum is a work of art. said the other day that she wished all her kids had been gay (my sister is) because they are far less trouble than us hetero types. What with all the drama and all.
Go figure. I thought we were just living the way life is , which sometimes turns into a drama through no wish or want. But, if that is how she feels, make sure you ahve some other help on hand. Is you MIL any use to you?
My mum over the years has become more and more outlandish in her selfishness and self absorption.
What is she like with other kdis in the family?

She does sound completely selfish. I don't think you should rely on her help if you can possibly manage it, it seems likely that she'll upset you again.

Thanks Lola , I definitely don't try to create drama and if anything dilute my personality around her so I don't get to hear her opinions.

I am an only child and she is divorced so it's just the 2 of us.

My mil is fab and is coming to stay the week after.

I have mentioned it to my mum about her leaving and she said it was due to the operation a few months before and the stress , so hopefully this time will be different.

I don't think your mother will be supportive this time around either I am sorry to say.

Many people who have self absorbed parents often ask that question of themselves i.e am I too selfish/too sensitive?. This is not of your making, you did not make her this way. She is choosing to act as she does. It is your mother who is the self absorbed and selfish one here, not you.

You do not mention your Dad, is he still around?.

You may want to read a publication called "Children of the Self Absorbed" because of the way your mother makes every situation about her with no regard to anyone else. She may well be narcissistic in terms of personality.

I think that ultimately you are going to have to adjust your own expectations of your mother downwards because she is not (and I daresay has not really been) the kind, supportive and caring mother you want her to be.

Cailin , as I live away from friends and family I am relying on my Mum and mil to help out a week each. I moved 18 months ago 200 miles , then 2 weeks ago moved again 10 miles. Got no support here at all.

x-posted re your Dad. Are you still in contact with him, what's he like as a person?

Re your comment:-
"I definitely don't try to create drama and if anything dilute my personality around her so I don't get to hear her opinions"

I can well believe that re not trying to create any drama (they can do that themselves without any outside assistance). Your mother is all "me, me, me" all the time. Its sad that you have to do that, sounds like you are walking on eggshells when she is around. Her opinions are more likely than not also uncalled for and unwarranted.

You would not tolerate such nonsense from a friend, your mother is no different in that regard.

Bet you as well your mother on a subsequent visit will make it all about her again:(.

No MN meet up group in your area for instance?. All a shot in the dark granted but your mother is not going to step up to the plate.

What part of the country are you in?.

Thanks Attila , she never seems to act how friends mums do. I was ashamed to admit she had left me suddenly to my friends , they couldn't believe it!

My parents are divorced , my Dad didn't keep in contact but I started to see him again a couple of years ago after 20 years of no contact.

She seems to think I should live my life to suit her, I try to please her and help her out but since having ds I have to think of him.

When we decided to move as dh got a great job offer , she told me her friends couldn't believe I was leaving her!

I only moved 200 miles away and we visit every 2/3 months but she has only visited me 3 times in 18 months. dh having this job has given him double the salary and enabled me to be a sahm and not have to continue working weekends away from my family. Also we didn't even have proper heating in our old house , if was mouldy and horrible , new house needs sorting but much more suitable for children!

Keep cross posting ! My Dad is pretty much a miserable alcoholic to be honest! I do have a few friends and intend to join groups here etc but I mean help with my 1 year old when I'm on own with newborn in the first weeks .

You need support, but you aren't going to get it from your mother so is there anything else you can call upon? Other family members, friends, get a cleaner etc? Your mother sounds totally self absorbed and far more likely to upset you than do anything useful.

If you want BF support you will often find La Leche League groups are good and you can go when you are pregnant to get information and meet your support before you need it.

If your 'help' is not helpful you will be able to cope by yourself, honestly. Lots of people manage with no extra help whatsoever. Of course the early weeks with a new baby and another child to look after are always hard, but not impossible. The hardest part for me was keeping calm - and that is easiest without someone winding you up!

Thank you provinciallady, I have already rang a lovely bf support lady who gave me details of my local bf support group , which I'm going to try next week before baby here ( hopefully !) I will have to take my 1 year old though which she didn't sound too positive about but I have no choice.

I can't really tell my Mother not to come now , originally I did say to her as last time was so stressful for her she should just visit for a couple of days to meet baby but she insisted on coming to "help".

Oh I forgot to add mil is coming to help but no other family / friends would help , I will get dh cleaning it's more everyday care/ entertaining dc1 I was worried about .

I was sure my mother would be a PIA after my baby, but gave her the benefit of the doubt. I was right (not a genius, she's always self absorbed or playing martyr). I found the newborn time so special that she won't be there to upset me in it the next time around. This will no doubt upset her, esp as we plan for MIL to be there, but I don't care: it's one of the only times where I think we are allowed, for our own sake as well as that of our family at home, to be selfish.

Do you think her helpfulness will outweigh the stress she's likely to cause you? If you think not, then it might be worth telling her to wait until the baby is older before she visits. You'll still be in the newborn fog in the first week - pure adrenaline will see you through until your MIL comes. I just worry that drama from your mother in that first week could really make things hard for you.

Thanks cantreach and Cailin , it's a bit late now to tell her not to come , she is coming after two weeks . My dh had paternity leave .

Ah I see. It's slightly better that she's not coming directly after the baby is born. At least by the time she arrives you'll be somewhat more settled and comfortable. Just remember that you're in no way responsible for how she feels. She is a grown adult and she can take care of herself. Once the baby is born you and your family should be the focus of attention. Any attempt she makes to draw the attention to herself should be given short shrift.

How do others handle parents like this?I have distanced myself as much as possible. I have tried to accept she isn't what I consider a good Mum.

Having a child myself has consolidated a lot of thoughts I have about her. I now see how strange some of her attitudes are. I find it very difficult to actually address any of her strange / offensive statements so I never react at the time then get upset afterwards.