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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

stuck - cant move forward or back

7 replies

24greenpeas · 31/01/2012 11:08

Was with my ex p for 10 years from the ages of 20 ? 30, we broke up as we were no longer intimate with each other. We became best of friends but more like a brother and sister. He had been my first boyfriend and I had begun to wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. So we broke up and it was heartbreaking but was interesting to find myself as single adult for the first time. We remained friends and would still see each other and after a year I realised that I wanted to try again, but he was happy being single and said that he saw me as nothing more than his best friend?and I fell apart as I think in the back of my mind I had always thought he would be the father of my children and that we would grow old together. I stayed single for three years trying to sort myself out as felt so low. I ended up leaving the town which we lived in to move to another area as I thought that would help me get over him. It did and I met someone new who is lovely. After a year my ex?s dad died and he got back in touch and said he wanted to try again as his fathers death had made him revaluate his life and he realised that he wanted to be with me. After spending so long getting over him I didn?t want to give up everything I had now after such a slog. But now im in a quandary as to what to do. My partner now I love to bits but I find the relationship very hard at times with the dynamics of an ex and daughter. We don?t get much quality time together and we still haven?t been on holiday together even after three years. He is 15 years older than me and has a small child who he is devoted to and coparents. And I often feel frustrated that we aren?t always on the same page. I want to think about having a child and my partner is keen but I have concerns about his age and the fact that we don?t spend enough quality time together. We don?t live together as yet but he is keen for us to do this, but I have slight reservations. I think since my ex came back on the scene, I have been comparing them both which is horrid I know. My ex knows me better than anyone, and we had such history together and I still love him and we are both have the same interests and want the same things. He is nearer my age and also wants to have children. But I don?t feel that spark with him. And I don?t know whether that is because I am in love with someone else or whether it just isnt there. I don?t know whether to throw myself into the relationship I am in now and embrace all that it entails or whether to chance it with my ex who offers a secure future and hope that we can work on the spark. Im comign to the end of the 30?s and my biological clock is ticking madly and I?m worried about time and making the right decision. Any advice, experience welcomed?

OP posts:
msshapelybottom · 31/01/2012 11:14

I don't think it's ever a good idea to throw one relationship away in the hopes that a different one would make you happier.

Your relationship with your ex ended because you weren't intimate. Do you have any reason to believe that things would be different this time round?

Every relationship is imperfect. Which man are you in love with? It's not clear from your post.

Maybe neither man is right for you...

24greenpeas · 31/01/2012 11:20

Am in love with my present partner. My head is in conflict with my heart though. I feel quite anxious in the relationship i am in now as I struggle with the concept of being a stepmum if the relationship is to continue. (A different thread altoghether..) I miss the simplicity that i had in my previous relationship though perhpas i am remembering it with rose tinted glasses..it was just the fact that we werent intimate anymore. And i do still love my ex and imagine i always will.

OP posts:
msshapelybottom · 31/01/2012 11:42

I think the issue that you need to sort out is whether or not you want to be with your current partner. Keep the ex out of the picture just now. He's an ex for a reason, don't forget that. Going backwards in life is often not a clever move.

If you're having doubts about your relationship, then deal with the reasons why before making any other decisions. One thing is for sure - your ex ain't going to be a knight in shining armour. Yes, you might have babies with him, but how do you know the same intimacy problems wouldn't be there again?

BunnyLane · 31/01/2012 14:59

I agree with msshapelybottom. Forget about your ex for now, I personally believe that if you had a good enough reason to break up, keep it that way. Just because he's your age and knows you well it doesn't mean he'll make you happy for the rest of your life.

Talk to your partner and tell him how you feel. (keep the comparing him to your ex part out) Tell him that you want kids and that you don't feel like you're on the same page... If you really love him try and get things back on track don't just run back to some else because it might be easier...

As they say: Something worth having, never comes easy in life....

meditrina · 31/01/2012 15:10

Perhaps you'd be better off with neither?

As already pointed out, your ex is an ex for a reason. As the intimacy had gone, you'd be compromising quite a lot to go back to that.

But you don't sound happy with current partner either. You need to work that out, without recourse to the ex.

24greenpeas · 31/01/2012 15:16

thanks for the advice - totally will take on board..i think i am getting confused as the annoying biological clock is kicked in so am panicking slightly that i need to make a decision now and am therefore just overanalysing everything and confusing myself.

OP posts:
LadyMedea · 31/01/2012 15:19

Why don't you go and have a couple of sessions with a counsellor.... could be the best money you've every spent. You need to talk through all the issues surrounding your current and past relationship, I'm sure this will help you settle things in your own mind. I found it amazingly useful when I was unsure about what do about a relationship, helped me avoid making a very silly mistake.

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