my bloody mother has me in tears - again.

[watchoutforthatsnail]

i just give up - i need to vent, as i dont really have anyone to vent to.

My divorce came through yesterday. I called my mother to tell her, firstly she pressured me about why i havent cried. Then upon telling her a friend is going through it right now, we start talking about how hard, and what a shitty thing it is to deal with it, and how its just one of the most awful things to happen. We agree on this. She then mentions how hard is was when family judge when they dont know all the circumstances. I have a light bulb momment, and ( see the ' extravangant lifestyle thread in aibu - where my brother accuses me of always being skint because i have a full freezer of leftovers and spent £30 this month in H&M). So - i say - yes, this is why i was so hurt yesterday mum ( because she was there when it all happened) That i try my best, with what i have, and yet people cast judgement when they dont know. She said she knows and in the end she cut family ties with those that did that - but i should just ignore my brother, because he doesnt mean it or know what hes talking about.
But then she starts that he is a bit right, because i propably take home more money than her, even though she works more hours. The fact that she is married, with a partner and a house with a £200 per month mortgage is a moot point. The fact that without help i could only afford rent and nothing else meaing i would be on the streets with my child, again, means nothing. The point is - according to her, how much money i have coming in, not what the outgoings to live are.
THEN she starts saying how it was so much worse for her and that if i think my experience compares ( and she doesnt know all the details of our marriage breakdown, because she has said she doesnt want to know) then im sorely mistaken, hers was so so worse and it doesnt even compare.

At which point i say ' well, well done mum for having it so much more difficult that men' and hang up.

My sister, who knows has not called, neither has my brother, no family memenber has called to see if im ok. Which is just wonderful. I am ok, dont get me wrong, but for it to be acknowledged would be nice.

I dont quite know what to say to her, it all falls on deaf ears anyway.

I just think your extra sensitive at the moment which is understandable

You know she's tactless so just avoid talking about money

She's not as emphatic as you'd like

But is it being extra sensitive for - on the day of your divorce coming though - for your mother to tell you nothing compares to the hell thats hers was? really?

i mean, who says that - and how can she even say that when she didnt know any of the details.
I could say that in my opion the circumtstances of mine were far worse than hers, but i wouldnt dare, because its personally bad for that person, where this competative awfulness comes from i dont know.

I avoid talking about many things with my family. They are a bunch of ignorant, racist, misogynistic knobbers and frequently upset and offend me despite me making my views clear. I've completely disowned over half of them and avoid the 'kick off' subjects with the others.

Someone with partner support and a cheap mortgage is never going to understand the cost and pressure of being lone parent. Well, actually they could understand it in theory if they were a nice, reasonable, empathetic person but clearly your mother isn't. Ergo, time to start avoiding the subject of money!

Don't let it get to you, you know you are right :)

Gosh, it must be like living with the Four Yorkshiremen, all the competitive suffering. I should give up, Snail. You'll never win because you're not playing the game right. You're talking about real everyday problems and challenges. They're talking about how much worse it is for them, regardless of whether it really is. If you had your leg amputated you'd have to hear all about how having a splinter in one of your family's toes was so much worse, because after all you can't have pain in your toe any more so how can you possibly understand? Anyway you were asking to have your leg cut off because you shouldn't have let that car run you over, some people are the authors of their own misfortunes etc etc.

This doesn't of itself make them bad people, but quite wearing to be with. It might help to just stand outside the group and watch the game being played for a while. Play Suffering Bingo; tick a mental box every time they have to trump one of your comments with "I had it worse" or "you asked for it". See how the two types of response compare over the course of an evening. It'll drive them crazy wondering why you start laughing every time they have a go at you.

I think you need to adjust your expectations. Your mother is clearly not capable of supporting you at the moment. You need to find someone else who is and stop banging your head against a brick wall. Re-evaluating your relationships with your family (who sound like a right shower of shits) can come later and I'm sure there are lots of other posters who can give you some better advice than me on that area. But in the short term, seriously, stop giving these people the opportunity to let you down!

I bet you'd be surprised at how many other people in your life would be willing to offer support / compassion to you. You're going through a hard time and if you ask for help - not in a melodramatic way, more in a "My divorce just came through and I'm feeling a bit crap. Do you want to come round and watch a couple of funny films and eat chips with me?" sort of way then you might find that other people are very willing to offer you the support your family seem incapable of.

Good luck!

Oh yes, congratulations and commiserations on your divorce. It's rubbish but sometimes these things have to be done. It's not mandatory to cry.

yeah - she has never been supportive, so i dont know what i expected really.
and the judgmentalness isnt a new thing, winds me up something cronic, and i do just say to her, god, you are so judgemental. And as i get older, the less tollerant to it i am.
Along with the ' slightly racist jokes' which cant be racist because her husband is mixed herritage, and the benefits bashing, when i am a single mother, claiming some benefits.
of course, when questioned, she doesnt mean people like me, or her husband, just everyone else. and they all join in and laugh and i sit there all offended. Ihave aske dthem to not make such comments around my dd, but i just get told i should change my opion.

fuckers.

I wasnt in a state yesterday, and i didnt want a winge, but just a ' well done, you survived it, and a little hug or something might have been appreciated, you know.

I love the last line before you hung up.

Your mother obviously just doesn't get that at a moment like this all you need is for her to actually listen and be supportive instead of dismissing your feelings by telling that what you're going through is nothing because she's been through worse.

I think it's best try not to rely on her for emotional support, perhaps you could meet a friend who knows how to be supportive and have a good rant...

im more upset at my bloody family than i am at the divorce coming though, although i did feel a bit funny when i went to bed last night.

mozarela - you see to her, hers was worse, i could argue that mine was worse, i think it was, but thats not the issue at all.
I dont have anyone to rant to, and certainly wouldnt in rl. I have issues about being open with people and trusting people. Hardly surprisingly.

Of course hers was worse (and plus hers was a while ago so she has been suffering for longer than you, get it?), you should be offerring a listening ear and support as she's been through so much more than you (well, doesn't matter what you've been through, she tops you anyways:).

Joking here of course. She sounds awfully self centered.

i know. Its bloody stupid, shouldnt let it get to me.

Since my marriage broke down I have come to realise that you should never judge someones life until you have walked in their shoes, unfortuately your Mum (and alot of my own family) don't seem to realise this. I felt very mixed emotions when my divorce came though, relief that that part of my life was over and also a huge sense of failure. Just look at your DD and see that you are doing an amazing job in her eyes so fuck sod everyone else. x

I agree with Anniegetyour...it's competitive suffering.
One-up-manship.
She's scoring points off you.
She dismisses your suffering in order to elevate hers.
She wants to be the queen of 'hard done by' and aint nobody else gonna take her crown.