Grieving for an ex whilst being married to another

[Tigerbomb]

I dont know if this is the right place to put this and to be honest I dont really know what I am asking for but my heart is breaking and I have to grieve in private.

My exDH died a few weeks ago after complications from Diabetes. He survived sceptic shock, cardiac arrest and pnemonia late last year but then died two weeks after being released from hospital. His heart just stopped. He was 47.

We had been together for 22 years but split up 6 years ago. I couldn't live with his drinking anymore and had to escape for my own sanity. Our, then teenage, children left with me.

I married another much younger man 3 years ago but was still friends with my ex. We were in daily touch and to be honest I still loved him but couldn't live with him. He never moved on and still declared his love for me and that I was still "his girl". He and my husband never met but my husband accepted our frienddship

I do love my husband but it is difficult for him to watch his wife grieve over another man. Whilst nothing has been said out loud and whilst he is trying to be supportive to me and the kids it is hard for him. I feel I have to cry in private and I cant stop. Its breaking my heart. I cant sleep, I can't eat and have a heart condition myself so my husband is worried abut me which is making me upset for him too

I know this is a minor issue after some of the other threads I have read on the relationship board but how can I deal with this heartbreak and not upset my husband. Has anyone else experienced this, how do you get through it?

I'm so sorry for your loss- would your husband understand if you went for some counselling? I'm sure it would help.

I don't think this is nothing - really you loved your exH, obviously you weren't in love with him because you left and re married but after a long time together and children there is no way you wouldn't feel crushed that he is gone. You feel sad for the friend you have lost, sad for your children's loss of their father and possibly angry because even though it wasn't the drink that did it, watching someone lose themselves in a bottle is very hard and even if you distance yourself from it you still think of all those wasted years where things 'could' have been different.

I think your husband would understand - after all you and exH were on good terms, maybe you need to try talking it through because trying to grieve all alone is clearly putting more pressure on you.

Someone close to you has just died, if he wasn't your exH you would expect your H to be there for you - this isn't any different! The main thing to get across to your H is that you love him, he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with and he is still your 'choice' if that makes sense but you need his support on this. Marriage is about helping each other through good and bad - this is one of those bad things and I would like to hope that your Hs love for you will pull you through what can only be described as a terrible time in your life.

Thinking of you and sending you my thoughts! Xx

I think the fact he was your ex is not the main issue. This was someone you were close to and was a part of your life for a long time. He was a friend, of course you must grieve

The death of a loved one is never a 'minor issue', Tiger.

When you have recovered from the shock of your ex's unexpected death you may benefit from bereavement counselling but I suspect that this may serve, in your mind at least, to add to your concern for your husband having to watch his wife 'grieve over another man'.

Taking yourself off for sessions may come to seem as it if is your 'guilty secret', so to speak - an almost adulterous time for you to weep and wail over 'another man' before returning to your husband's arms.

You shared 22 years of your life, created dc with your ex, and loved him to his dying day, but you weren't 'in love' with him because the feelings you had in the early days of your relationship had been tempered by your experience of living with him.

Your dh is no doubt aware of your history with your ex and, unless he an extremely callow youth who is unlikely to have much understanding of the deep and often complicated emotions that surface when a loved one dies, IMO you should give him the opportunity to comfort you.

If you haven't told your dh that your ex regarded you as 'his girl' despite your remarriage, I would suggest you keep those particular memories privately in your heart and share all of the other feelings/emotions that have been evoked by the loss of your ex with him.

Reassure your dh that being able to grieve openly for your ex makes you appreciate even more how much he, your current dh that is!, means to you, and that you are so thankful that you have found a man who, from the beginning of your relationship, was aware that your ex was not a threat to him in life and knows that he cannot be a threat to him in death.

We all mourn our losses in different ways and grief is something that can drive a wedge between the most loving of couples. Let your grief for your ex deepen the love, acceptance, trust, and understanding, you share with your dh.

Bless you, honey - don't bottle your grief up any more; honour your ex and your dh by letting your tears flow freely.

Thank you all for your advice and kind thoughts.

I did love my exh but wasn't in love with him. He was like my third child in that I looked after him from the day I met him and never stopped looking after him.

I do also mourn the wasted year because of the damn bottle. I also feel guilty in leaving him when he probably needed me most. But I realise that he loved alcohol more than me but that was his choice

Izzy, you are right about the idea of counselling seeming like a guilty secret. My Dr has suggested it but there is a long waiting list and I haven't told my DH about as it seems wrong. I have also found comfort in your advice to honour my ex and dh by letting my tears flow - thank you.

Our relationship is strong and loving so yes I should share this time with him - our marriage is about sharing - the good and the bad. It hasn't helped that members of my family keep telling me to stop crying and "mind Mr Tigerbomb" as its not fair on him.

I've had another night of not sleeping and crying quietly downstairs. I'll try and get hold of the Dr to see if there is anyway I can see the counselor sooner

The reaction of some of your family members is only to be expected, honey.

You'll no doubt also encounter some who will be disapproving that you're grieving for a man who was 'only an ex'. some who will ask 'are you feeling better now' as if you've you had a bout of 'flu, and some who'll act as you've got a contagious disease and cross the road rather than stop and speak to you

It is what it is, Tiger, and people are what they are. 'Closure' is a fallacy and there's always a particular poignancy when anyone, loved one or stranger, goes before the promised score years and 10 as it leaves so many unanswered questions.

In the absence of those who understand that grief takes many forms, it is a time to draw on our personal beliefs or create some that will give us a some sense of comfort and solace.

Be kind to yourself - and that means eating a little something nourishing even if you don't feel like it, and getting a good night's sleep even if you need a little something prescribed by the doctor to give nature a helping hand.

Goodness this must be very raw for you - only weeks since your exh died. Please be more kind to yourself, it takes times to grieve. I do agree with izzyisin. There is no ought or should about this, you have the feelings that you have and trying to repress them will make you feel worse.

If you have a strong relationship with your husband, and it sounds as if you do, talk to him about the way you are feeling. Tell him you feel you need some extra help to deal with this. Your family are being very insensitive. Unfortunately people can react very unhelpfully to a bereavement in cases like this and they know bugger all about it, to be frank.

I am a widow, my husband also died aged 47 and that was bad enough without the complications you feel about leaving him.

Bereavement counselling should help you, it will help you release the grief you feel and give you a safe place to talk about your feelings - please go back to the doctor. It also might be worth talking to one of diabetes charities as they might be able to recommend where to go for bereavement counselling in your area, or they might have professional staff who can help you.

Can I recommend the Merry Widow website to you - it is for everyone who has lost a partner and even if you just read about other people's experiences it helps to know you are not alone. I found it very helpful and still look at it regularly.

You've had some great advice from the other posters but I just want to also add my support.

Your DH obviously loves you very much, and although it is an unusual situation for him and you, let him help you through this. I guarantee if you do that it will bring you even closer together whereas if you try and deal with this alone it may push you apart. He will already know how much you cared for your exH and the way you cared for him 'like your third child'. He'll know that your exH was not his sexual or romantic rival, but someone you loved a lot but couldn't be your husband due to his own issues. You chose your DH, I'm sure he knows that. Treat this as if it was your brother or close friend rather than your exH. He was your husband for a long time, but recently he has just been your friend. There is nothing wrong in grieving for a friend.

Thanks for all your support - it has been far more than even my family have given me and some incredibly wise words from some incredible people.
T
hank you all so much for helping me to see that I am not wrong in grieving so much for an ex. He truly was a remarkably, wonderful but totally flawed, man and he gave me two wonderful children. He was by no means a saint but then again he wasn't a sinner and it feels like I can honour him properly now.

I have spoken to my DH this evening and I really should have realised how much he loves me and wants to support me. He says he doesn't need to be "minded" and he knew how special my Dexh was to me. He also said that it's his ring on my finger and he feels more than secure in our marriage and that if I want to cry and grieve then he is there for me. It feels like a huge weight off my shoulders. He is also there for my DC who have been more open in their grief obviously

I have also managed to get an appt with the counselor on Thursday and will look at the Merry Widow website. Thank you