Difficult separation (DV related) - how can I help distressed 3 yo?

[foggybrain]

Not sure where to put this, but hoping someone might have some experience. I posted a few weeks ago about H punching a door in front of DC. He subsequently left and is still staying away at his Mum's but I am worried about DD who is 3. She is missing him a lot and I just don't feel she is right. She has been poorly with an infection down below which has been very distressing for her, and she is also getting up quite a bit at night with bad dreams. The thing that is worrying me most is today when I got her from nursery I noticed she had marks on her arm and when I asked her she said she had been biting her arm. This isn't the first time I've noticed her doing it, and she also seems to be 'fiddling' with her bits quite a lot - I think for stress relief, but wondering if that's how she has picked up the infection.

H is coming over three nights a week to do bedtime and taking them for a few hours at the weekend so they are seeing a lot of him.

I'm very, very tired and have picked up a virus I can't seem to shake which keeps coming back, also a lot of stress at work and H not being definite about money so I'm pretty stressed. I don't feel I can give either DC my best a lot of the time and I'm feeling guilty about everything and quite low at times. I don't know how to move us all forward and help DD. Should I take her back to the Dr about her biting herself? Some days she seems really good and happy. She has talked a bit about things with me and also apparently at nursery she mentions stuff but in a very matter of fact way. Does she just need some time to adjust or should I try and get some help for her?

I have no experience of this but I wanted to say that I am thinking of you and bumping it for you x

Take her to gp and record what is happening. Ask about possible referral to play therapist.

Go to gp yourself and ask for referral to counsellor. You need to talk thru what has happened and see where you going from here.

Stop having him come over to do bedtimes it is too confusing for dd.where are you when this is happening?

Have only midday preferably supervised contact given the aggression.

If she says I miss daddy just say you will see him on xxxday and distract.

Having someone who has been aggressive in your home putting dc to bed is a huge mistake...I did it and it was the worst thing I did.

Make a clean break with him for next weeks months ie contact with dc elsewhere, no putting them to bed. He was aggressive the consequence of that is not putting dd to bed. Dd will be fine if you matter of fact and stop feeling guilty...but talking to someone can help some surgeries can refer to separation counselling and support. Ask. Or regular NHs counsellor.

Gp.
Tomorrow
Talk k and tell everything to gp it all needs to be recorded.....

Stop thinking "she is upset because I sent daddy away " and start thi ing " she is upset because she witnessed daddy punch the door"

He was responsible for that. Not you. My dds showed agression after we left copying his behaviour it takes time to undo .

Make a clean break no contact with them at your place no putting them to bed.

Ps did you report the door punching to anyone? Take pictures etc?

She is upset because her life has changed. She probably feels responsible and she will be worried that you too will leave her. She needs time, attention and stability. I guess you do too. If you can timetable 20minutes a day to spend one on one with her it would be beneficial. Also, I know that it can be stressful when she asks questions or talks about daddy not living with you anymore. Try not to show it. Answer only the question asked as concisely as possible.

By making the situation as stable as possible and giving her a little extra attention she will begin to feel more secure. I know it's hard but you will get through this.

Agree, stop feeling guilty - you have done the right thing for you AND your DC

Also agree stop the bedtimes and X - contact elsewhere. It's too confusing for DC otherwise.

WRT the arm biting, I'm not sure I'd go to the GP just yet. It's still very early days and time will really count with your DD. Give her plenty of opportunity for play and fun and keep meals, bedtimes etc very stable and consistent. Any grandparents you can rope in to make her feel there's plenty of backup out there for her?

Can you get work to back off a bit? Confide your recent separation and ask for a bit of slack?

Focus on getting your physical health right for the moment and making your home in to a cosy refuge from the world for you all - and keep x out of it.

It will all get better with time. One day at a time. And well done you for having the strength and wisdom to take the action you have.

One more thing - I know it's corny but it worked with my DC when little - I got a rabbit for them - great distraction potential!

I have nothing to add to the excellent advice contained in the responses above, but I wish to second cestlavielife's directive to get the arm biting and the 'fiddling' - which is the probable cause of your dd's current infection - recorded by your GP asap.

maybe the infection=pain causing her to touch private parts. Plus infection might not have cleared up? Lots of dc tend to touch private parts when anxious esp boys...my ds does it all the time

Agree second get play therapist or child psychologist...waiting lists so blardy long dd might be ok by then though! My ds selfharming I was told it was beacuse of 'change', but I think the df aggression towards ds had something also to do with it.

Was your exdh aggressive towards your dd? Also you need to get the marks on dd arms recorded by GP incase your ex/SS etc accuse you...sorry but if you got a nutter of ex like I have it does happen:(

Hope you get things sorted!

yes going to GP is more for the record - gp may not want to refer on at present anyway eg play therapist but you need it recorded.

Thanks for your replies, sorry I have taken a while to get back to this thread, have just been having an awful day and feeling really low.

I thought regular short contact was supposed to be the best thing for them as they are so small and midday contact wouldn't work as H at work? The solicitor I saw recommended this, as long as no other incidents occurred in which case she advised me to report to police and apply for an order. I am as sure as I can be nothing else will happen at the moment and if/until it does I actually can't legally stop him coming in the house.

I do the bedtime with him - at the moment DD is very excited when he arrives but then tends to insist I do everything in terms of bath/story/getting into PJs/teeth etc... so really H is here for an hour and spends a lot of that time bathing DS and rocking him to sleep. I suppose it could be confusing. He also came over at the weekend to drop off a DVD for DD but then stayed for about an hour and I didn't want to turn it into a big scene, but afterwards DD did say 'that was the first time Daddy was here (i.e. in the day time)' so she is noticing. She also said at bedtime it was the best part of her day.

I have got some different antibiotics for DD now. I am in two minds re taking her to Drs - the marks on her arm are fading away now. I am pretty positive H wouldn't pull a stunt like that in terms of accusing me, although who knows,I don't really know him at all it would seem.

I don't know, am just getting ground down with lack of sleep. I think H is waiting for me to crack and say I can't cope on my own.

I think you should approach your local childrens centre and ask for a referral for a dv thing specific to mothers and children of your daughters age. There is help out there and schemes for children of that age. When she talks about it, talk about it with her, listen to her and expect regression and lots of extra cuddling. Get plenty of emotional support yourself too and take it easy while all of the physical issues work their way out.