how do you move on from abusive relationships?

[emptycloud]

i had a terrible relationship with dc's dad but now we've been seperated 18months i just dont feel able to move on to another relationship, i feel stuck... the thought of getting a new man petrifies me and i know i can't go through life like this but i can't talk about it to anyone, i've tried but i become far too anxious, id love to move on and i need help but i dont know where to turn to :(.

it's the last attack it haunts me so much, but i tried counselling and they gave me a man of all people, every time i tried talking to him i couldnt get my words out and it made me feel worse, i tried talking to the health visitor but then i started to question whether it was appropriate so i didn't.

how do i get by this? i don't know how to make it better :(

You will move on, cloud, don't worry.

Your instinct to ask for some RL outside help is the right one.

Can you ask for a different counsellor?
Pipe up to the HV on another occasion? (it really is an appropriate question, and if she can't help you she'll tell you; you are perfectly entitled to ask)
Can you check if the Freedom Programme runs in your area?

HVs are a good choice to talk to - they should have had training on supporting people with such history.

The Freedom Programme is another great source of help; you can do it more than once if you need. It is only 12 weeks and you will learn to make sense of what's gone on and deal with the psychological side of things too

You could talk to your GP too - flashbacks, anxiety etc are all symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which may need looking in to

thanks for the replies, i seem to do ok for a while but then i struggle again with it all :( i think its the nature of the last attack that puts me off talking about it... almost like i don't want people to see me as a vulnerable person, i can't describe it... how do i even begin to tell somebody? :(

It's understandable that if we have been attacked - whether physically, verbally, or emotinally - we may put up certain defences intended to show the world that we are not the vulnerable being that bullies target.

You could use the anonymity of the internet'to offolaod here where you will undoubtedly receive responses from others who've had similar experiences and whose wisdom may help you come to terms with your own..

Alternatively, why not acquire a notebook specifically for the sole purpose of chronicling what happenend to you, how it made you feel at the time, how you feel now, etc, with a vew to examining how many of your fears have validity now that you are no longer in a abusive relatonship?

If you cannot bring yourself to reveal the full extent of what you went through, it may be that you could explore some of the feelings that are evoked by you 'reliving', as it were, what took place here in your post.

almost like i don't want people to see me as a vulnerable person, i can't describe it... how do i even begin to tell somebody?

Those are totally understandable feelings, cloud.

When you're ready to let it all out, I think you'll find that it is really healing to talk to others, to state: "This is what happened to me. This is how it made me feel." It's OK to make it real by speaking it out loud: that's an essential step to getting over the fear and hurt and anger and shame and all those mixed-up painful emotions. And it gets easier.

A counsellor who you feel comfortable with will provide an excellent listening ear, and validation of your experience. MN, and good friends, are also good places to vent.

And you are not weak because you were abused: remember, he chose to abuse you.

well, i clicked the link to the freedom project and you can do it online and they send you the books for free so i'm giving it a go, finding it difficult seeing my ex as pretty much all of the characteristics of the abuser he fits every single one... how did i not notice? theres a few things he did that stick in my mind and they are all sexual things and i think that is the reason i cant open up... its eating away at me :(

The effects of a sexual assault by a trusted partner can be more devestating than those by a stranger , im not surprised its eating away at you . It can and will get better once you reach out for help . You will find a secret army of women who have been there , who understand , and will help you .

This happened to me , but it was a while before i could name it . Eventually it got so bad i HAD to speak to someone and phoned Womens Aid who put me in touch with a local counselling service . It was a normal house that i had passed many times , and i will always be gratefull for the support and understanding i received there .

Do phone them , and ask to be referred to someone in your area .

You wouldnt have noticed because your not supposed to . Kids arent taught about this and i firmly beleive they should be . This absoluteley isnt your fault , it shouldnt have happened , ever . You can and will recover .

thanks, i was only 16 when i got with my partner, just a child really, he was 26 the same age i am now... it didnt hit me till he mentioned the words himself, it was one of the last times he attacked me and by far the worst, if it wasnt for that i would still be there :(

its making it worse i have to see him for contact to dc... its funded but i have to travel miles an stay in a hotel then he sees dc the next day then we travel home