mother doesn't know best.....

[spookysukie]

or so ExP would say.

As far as he's concerned I do not have a voice worth listening to.

Latest issue is potty training ffs. When I've asked him to support and cooperate with training DS, he put him straight back in a nappy in front of me because it wasn't convenient for him.

Yesterday, he dropped DS 2.9 back and announced "he's not in a nappy and you have to give him a present everytime he does a pee in the potty".

Having tried less than 2 weeks ago to see if DS was ready to say goodbye to nappies I decided he wasn't, and it was best to leave it a bit. I attempted a week back to let ExP know how DS was doing with potty training but ExP looked at me like I was something grubby on his shoe, curled his lip and told me he didnt want to know.

I told ExP that DS wasn't ready and presents could get complicated but he basically told me to f-off. He's not bothered. For him it's a power issue. He then left 4 abusive messages on my answerphone, including one that said I'd be causing psychological damage to DS if I left it longer because he'd be too shy.

He's told me forcibly and aggressively that I have stop co-sleeping because when DS is at his it disturbs NP and her children, its bad for DS's "performance" and that I have to "be careful with this boy" with a threatening undertone.

When we together he used to tell me all the time I was "a nutter" and also that I "had the devil inside me". I couldn't take any more and told him where to go. I've been on my own with DS for nearly 2 years now.

There is no reasoning with ExP. He would argue that black was white with every fibre of his being.

What can I do? He's wearing me down again.

bump

He could have come along and written the same thing: "my ex doesn't think I have a voice worth listening to - she won't co-operate with training DS, she won't stop co-sleeping". Doesn't seem as if either of you are considering the others wishes.

Okay. Check out Shiney's psycopath thread. A lot of the advice she's been given applies to your situation.

Do you have a court order re contact? I'd be inclined to refuse overnight or any extended contact if there are sleep/potty training issues. Your ds needs consistency.

Keep those voicemail messages.

eccles

What are you looking for? Sympathy? You got it.

He gets to you so much because he can still push your buttons. Have you done any therapy around this? The Freedom Programme would probably be good for you.

Meanwhile, try slow deep breaths and simply not responding. Make Yes dear noises when he licks off, like "Hmm, I see your point" and "That's interesting."

Yep, and what tallwivglasses said. It's pointless aiming for a co-operative relationship with someone like this (hence why he's an ex, presumably). The more distance you achieve, the better it'll be.

tallwivglasses ???

Was in a rush eccles. You just didn't seem to be taking into account the swearing, verbal abuse and accusations of insanity that OP has had to endure. She is 'asking' for support whereas he is 'announcing' what she should do. I'm presuming she's the primary carer, so maybe has more of an idea about her child's day-to-day needs. Not exactly tit-for-tat, is it?

Thanks for your replies.

tallwivglasses - he's certainly trying to control me and he managed it through our relationship and managed to convince me that I should stop co-sleeping and I did...and DS missed the cuddles, warmth and security and I asked myself why he couldn't have them. The only answer was because ExP had said no!

eccles I've always been willing to take his point into consideration even up to not moving out of the area. This time I didnt want to give way again seeing as I have DS 5 days/nights of 7 and am main caregiver.

He's got the arse because I've at last begun to harass him about maintenance on a regular basis and he wants to flex his muscles too in any way he can.

Yes he still pushes my buttons and I've got to keep the yes dear mantra in mind, but I can't!!!

garlicfrother What I'm looking for is support and also any practical steps I can take to get him to stop saying things like "you are responsible, just remember that, you will be responsible for his psychological trauma". (voicemail message)

Honestly, slow breaths and counting to ten really do help. They worked for me so they'll work for anybody Another good trick is the 'invisible shield'. Imagine yourself surrounded by a transparent but impenetrable bubble. Take your time over creating it in your mind - what colour is it? (Mine's made of blue light.) You can furnish it with anything you like: make it perfectly safe and perfectly comfortable. It will shrink and grow as you meed it. You can see and hear everything through your shield, but hard words and bad feelings bounce right off it from the outside :)

This sort of thing is good to do with a therapist - they can teach you loads of 'tools' like it. When you gain a reasonable level of detachment (ie, your buttons are deactivated) you find you can start clinically observing him - and everybody like him - to see what he's trying to do. It can even get quite funny at times!

Can you save your voicemails? Play one now and again, and answer it sensibly. With your example above, you will be responsible for his psychological trauma, it's obvious he is planning psychological trauma, or at least expecting it. Does he really mean his OWN psychological trauma? Could he be wanting to make you responsible for his being fucked-up?

Btw - although I bet that's true, it's a very bad idea to show a nutcase to himself. Evaluate it privately and on here, with a therapist and with any wise friends. But not with him. The statement itself clearly means nothing! He doesn't know how DS will grow up. He's blaming you for something that hasn't happened. Weird, huh,.

It's hard to let words bounce off you when they are attacks on the way you are caring for your child or they undermine you in some other way. I'd rather find a way to not see or speak to him at all except for the most rudimentary for sake of DS. I dont want him coming to my door anymore to pick up DS.

I also think he's taking advantage of the fact that I am alone and isolated - no family or friends to back me up and he has, from what I can tell, domineering NP as well as mother who likes to get involved so feels a bit mighty.

Please understand that, when people like him attack you, it's never about you or what you've done. It's all about them. Their need to feel in control, their need to blame someone else for their own confusion or unhappiness. They need to feel in control because they're frightened - knowing this doesn't actually make any difference (you can't fix them; they're stuck with it). But it could help you get some insight on your relationship dynamics.

He would say anything to make you feel controlled. He could say "You're a purple-skinned Martian with nine legs" for all the logic there is to it. But you wouldn't be hurt by that! So he'll pick at your parenting, which does hurt.

People used to tell me my ex "didn't mean it." It used to upset me because he hated me with such venom, I felt they were dismissing my pain. But, actually, they were right. In the sense that his words were only chosen to piss me off, he didn't mean them.

Is this making any sense yet??

Blimey garlic, it does to me!

I've just been defending 'relationships' on a different thread and it's because of the likes of you. OP take heed - you're getting great advice and it all boils down to everyone knowing you deserve a better life than this.

thanks for the support and advice.

I have to work on getting it into my head that i'm not all those things he says I am/was.

I am off to create a bubble of peace and tranquility.

Garlic I think that's a really good post.It's made me think.

sukie - I think sh'es hit the nail on the head.