realising we are not on the same page re marriage

[tardisjumper]

In the past couple of months I have realised I feel quite 'ready' for marriage. DP and I have been together for just over 3 years, we are mid-20s and having been living together for about 18 months. we are very happy in in love. I have just started a new job on higher salary and things are going well. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned that a place we were looking at for a holiday in the summer 'looked like a perfect place to propose'. I have then spent the last couple of weeks stupidly obsessing over this and getting very excited.

Then on Saturday I asked him upfront if he was thinking about marriage. He said yes but feels that he is not ready for it and doesn't know when he will be. I think he just expects to wake up one day and feel ready but I can't possibly imaging what else could happen to cause this.

I feel devastated and he is very unhappy about how sad i am about this.

I just feel so sad though I know I am being unreasonable. Has this happened ot anyone else? What would you do? Other than just wait.

What can you do? Just wait, you seem committed, you're living together. Or if you don't love him as much as you think, and marriage is more important than being with him then walk away.

I think you need to slow down a bit! 3 years isnt that long and you say yourself you ony realised in the past couple of months that your ready for marriage..
Give your partner some time.

Don't get obsessed about The Proposal. That's a bad situation to be in. And have a little think about this: some men are either really not bothered about marriage, or they are comfortably sure that the woman they are with is 'will do for now' but that she is keen to marry, so they can happily alternate hints about proposing with vague murmurings about Not Really Ready Yet, and keep the woman scurrying round in a flap indefinitely. Well, until they meet another woman that they actually want to marry.

Nice bit of positivity there solidgoldbrass.

OP, maybe he's in the 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it' camp. I was like that for ages, did get married in the end.

Actually solidgoldbrass it's probably more a case of they're sick of being pestered and so leave. What happened to make you so bitter?

You're only mid twenties.. I didn't feel ready mid twenties either, but when I hit about 29, I felt more ready and we've just got married (age 31). Really, there's no rush- he's said he wants it, just not right that minute. That's totally normal! Let the idea grow for him, he'll get around to it (with the odd hint).

3 years really isn't very long, I wouldn't be in such a rush imho. If he's committed, it should be enough for now? :)

thanks for replies. I think I am mostly annoyed that he doesn't have any idea of what it will take to be 'ready'. As you say we are already committed, but so I just think, why the hell not!

I think for men age is definitely a stronger factor than for women-and there is an element of herd behaviour too. The people I know are mostly 29-30 and there has been a surge of weddings this year, regardless of the actual length of time people have been together.

Thanks, he is 29 this sept!

Look, maybe he is a lovely man and not ready to marry yet, what rang an alarm bell for me was him saying, out of the blue, that the proposed holiday destination was 'a lovely place to propose' and then telling the OP that he's not ready for marriage. That does suggest at least the possibility of a man who wants to use the prospect of The Proposal as a kind of training tool to reward/punish his partner.

I don't find SGB's 16:01 post bitter at all. She describes a reality for "some men", and asks OP to have a think about it.

Plenty of people do keep their right-partner-for-now dangling until they spot the person they actually do feel like marrying. There is no harm in acknowledging it.