do you ever feel like you shouldnt have had childten?

[bejeezus]

I love my 2 dds to tiny pieces but I am struggling to live with the life I am giving them. My STBXH is an emotional abusive arse. He is mostly uninvolved and when he is here, him complaining at/about dd1 is like background music. We are slimy because I am a lone parent, and always have been in practical/financial terms. I only work part time as dd2.is small. I am frazzled, have little patience and shout more than I want to.

I have always believed that it would be ok, we aren't rich but we have fun, have lots of friends, go places etc etc but I am plowing faith. Not about our financial situation. But, their little lives werent/stentor supposed to be like this. They were supposed to have a nice daddy and a happy mummy...I dunno. I feel more and more each day, that I am failing them. And I don't know what to do to make it ok

Slimy= skint

Plowing= loosing

I don't want them to come home from school today

Sorry you feel like that Bejeezus!

Have you got any friends who could help you - maybe take turns of doing the school runs etc and give you a wee bit of breathing space? xx

Thanks for replying. I've taken this week off work, for some space. And some sleep. Being alone with my thoughts is not good so far. Maybe ill feel better towards the end of the week. Everything feels so collosal. I have great friends, but I'm so fed up of myself. I don't want to be defined by my crap marriage to my crap husband. I want to be light hearted again and talk about interesting things. And BE interesting. I want to TEACH my children. Not just get by day to day.

bejeezus I could have wrote your op!im a l.p to 1 dd and ex sounds like yours!i'm struggling too, no advice but you aren't alone.

I think what you are trying to say is that you wish you had DDs with a different man, isn't it? I assume that you are in the process of divorcing their father (who by the sound of it does not deserve the name) and it must be a tough time for you.

I think that it's not that you don't want THEM to come back from school, sounds like it's the feeling of failure is what you are trying to avoid. In no way you sound like you are failing and I'm sure you are not. In fact you sound very strong - you are changing you life for better by getting rid of the abusive ex, you have lots of friends (how many women in abusive relationships find themselves isolated) and you love your DDs.

I am sure your little angels don't even want their lives to be any different - they have loving mummy who takes care of them and that's the most important thing for them. There is no rule of how life should be - if their father is an arse then it's only for the better that he's about to dissapear.

You sound nice and who said that you will never have a loving partner who is going to be a good daddy for your daughters as well. There are many stories here on MN to show that it's possible to be a lone parent and meet a great person later...

I also think that if you are seriously feeling down perhaps you should seek help from GP - just help you through this difficult period in your life.

Bejeezus, Yes. I remember feeling like this when I was a struggling single parent with no support. The feeling doesn't last and I got myself into the position when I was enough parent to cover both roles. (Not easy being a mum at 15, second arriving at age 20 and divorced at 23!)

This will pass but I think you need to create a life for you and your kids where you will be enough for them - and you will be, believe me.

This phase will pass and by the way, you sound as if you may be suffering from a touch of depression so do go and get yourself some medical support otherwise, it'll be like wading through treacle.

You'll be fine and look back at this phase with a sense of achievement and pride in yourself.

Best wishes

Poor you. I do sometimes feel I shouldn't have had children, despite having a supportive partner and sound financial situation. I feel I fail them because of my mental health but I am working hard to change it.

It doesn't sound to me as though you are failing your children. You are doing the best you can in the circumstances you're in. I doubt your children ever question whether you are the best mum for them. Un-MNy hugs. ((()))

Thank you all. Yes it is the feeling of failure I am trying tps avoid. I feel unbearable guilt for my stupid choices and the impact it is now having on my kids. How incredibly naive and short sighted I was. I do wish they had a different dad, but then they would be different people wouldn't they. I want a dad for them. As I feel right now, I wouldn't give them a step-dad because I feel Luke no pneu would ever love them like a biological dad or as much as I do. I want to focus on them and don't want to be distracted by another relationship.

It's so hard making all the decisions for them-trying to gauge what's right and wrong without an opinion off an invested father. Just had to try and counsel a very distraught and tearful dd1 about friendships/playground politics- would love dads input. Would love to feel that ôte doesn't matter what goes on at school because they come home to a loving, stable functional home life. But they don't do they.

It eases the feelings to know I'm not alone but sorry you ate in the same position. It is really really good to hear it gets better. Although it is hard to believe

I don't feel strong. I don't feel up to the job at all

Sending you a big hug xx

Thank you for the hugs liarswife that is what I feel I need. Although if you gave me one in real life I would probably shrug you off with a chuckle and tell you I'm fine- if you don't say it, it isn't true

I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep

Hey, no real advice as such just to say you are not alone. I have just ended my marriage with DC's Dad and really struggling with feelings of failure and guilt about my poor choices and not providing them with the happy home I wanted to. I am also very worried about finances - I wanted to be able to give them a stable uprbinging without money worries.

I don't know what to say, other than hopefully things will get better and you are not the only one who is feeling like this.

Oh yes and sleep...I just want to sleep and sleep for a week.

I feel like this too.

I feel like a crap mother.

I've just left emotionally abusive DH but he was a good father. I feel shit for breaking up the 'family home'. I wish I'd chosen differently. Every time I lose my temper I feel like they would be better off without me/having not been born. I do love them but I'm so short-tempered sometimes.

It's better now in some ways - I am drinking less - but sometimes I feel that I just wish I'd been BETTER all round.

Anyway, just to sympathise really. Big hugs. x

Yes, for the same reasons. I have an abusive ex-husband who has just left me with all of the responsibility. It's bloody hard work. One of my kids has autism. Most ofthe time we are getting through it. Not what I wanted or thought it would be like. Sometimes feel really cross that I blew my chance of a happy family life.

I have massive respect for all of you. My mum did a few years as a lone parent and it's only since becoming a parent myself that I've truly appreciated how hard she must have worked. What I'm reading is that you are offering your kids the chance to grow up in a happy household, and that's priceless.

Thank you so much for posting that beautiful sounds like your mum did a good job. I hope my dds feel respect for me when they are grown x

how do you ask the GP for ADs???

I had some for PND with DD1- but that is different

I dont know what to say?do I just ask for them straight out? Do I need to detail what is happening/how i feel????It s only a 10minute appointment!

Silly question Iknow, but genuine

Yes, you just ask. Say : this is how I feel, I'm no longer coping, so I want an additional coping tool in my arsenal. Can we discuss ADs please? (dosage, length of treatment, etc).

There's no shame in realising you need a little extra help. Quite the contrary: you are being v responsible to realise you need help and to ask for it. That's a strength.

thanks hotdamn - just feel like i will need to state my case a bit, like i am trying to get DRUGS out of the GP...which i know reallyis daft. dont want to go into detail, because GP cannot be interested...

cant get an appointment until monday anyway...!people must be sick!

You are asking your GP for the help that only s/he can provide. You're entitled to. You're wise to do so. It's nothing to feel furtive or guilty about.

Glad you have an appointment. All the best.

You sound like a wonderful mum, doing the best you can for your DDs. They need you and love and it doesn't sound like you regret them at all.

Keep being strong and well done for getting rid of the tosser. Remember you can't change who their F but you can give them the best life possible.

Playground politics are always crap but it would be good to have a F's input. Is there a friend you can talk to or post on here? And have a (((((hug)))), I have just corrected that had put hag. --I'm not that bad.

Yes, I often think that I shouldn't have had my dds. You are not alone. At least in your case you have got rid of your dh. Mine (alcoholic) is still living with us (long back story that I won't bore you with).

Most days I wish they had a dad who had a job and who could provide for them. Bottom line is that whatever I wish, I can't make it come true. I can't magic them the sort of dad I'd want for them.

I hope the gp appointment is helpful for you, but please be reassured that you sound to me like a great mum. You're doing the best you can and the fact that you care so much says it all really.

Ohangel my stbxh is alcoholic too

do you go to Al-anon? or there are some really good Al-Anon on-line chat forums?

scornedwomen at hag

I AM doing the best I can. It just falls so far short of how good I want that to be, right now