What is it with men and porn ????

[mcmum]

Am I the only woman in the world who's husband is obsessed with adult porn channels and internet sites, we have had ongoing problems with this for years and even went to relate and I have threatend to leave him several times the last time approx six months ago he promised never to go on again yet low and behold he we are again Ive given that many idle threats to leave that I think this time I need to go through with it as he obviously thinks he can just do what he wants when he wants. We have very active sex life we are only in thirties and have been together for 15 years we have 2 children but he is obsessed with my having sex with him and another man at same time. Help I feel like im going mad i feel degraded sick and empty

[Charlee]

mcmum - do not take this! if you dont want your dp to watch prn in your relationship or try and pressurise you into things you dont want then tell him strieght, he either stops or you go. Yes i know its harsh but my feeling is if your uncomfortable with a part of your relationship and you cant change it then hes not 'the one' you have to tell him how its making you feel and if he doesnt sort it out then it shows hes not willing to make you feel comfortable. I hope this works out for you i really do.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I'm probably on my own here, but, to some extent, I think that looking at porn is a) not a problem and b) not really anyone else's business. I wouldn't dream of telling my DH "you can't read those dreadful action trashy bestsellers I hate", why would I feel it was ok for me to tell him "you can't look at porn"? Surely, what he does on his own time (away from the kids) is his own business?

What do you mean when you say he is "obsessed" with porn? Is it something he does for hours every day? You say you have a good sex life, so I'm assuming he's not wearing himself out there ...

Re: the other man thing. Like others, I suspect he is not actually interested in doing this, it is just a fantasy. But it's one that bothers you, and he should stop telling you about it.

[harpsichordcarrier]

no, NQC you are not on your own. I agree entirely that looking at porn in private is a no-one else's business. I have no idea if dh looks at porn, I wouldn't ask him and I would expect the same respect for my privacy in return.
macmum I think you need to think carefully about the boundaries in your relationship. If you are hot happy with it and he is (clearly) not going to change then yes you need to reconsider your position. I know it may sound harsh but I think you are allowing his fantasies to concern you too much. To say "why can't he just be happy with me for me" is (I think) a misunderstanding of what porn is - it is not about you at all.

But imho it does seem that you are the one doing the demanding and that you don't seem (from your posts) to be making any compromises. you want to control what goes on in this head - tbh I can see how he might resent that. Although I am not clear from your posts how he does feel about it. and, again imho, I think it would be disproportionate to end a fifteen year relationship with two children over what is essentially a private fantasy.

[notasheep]

mcmum how are you this evening?

[mcmum]

Hi notasheep

hope you are ok! It seems everyone has own ideaon this but im sticking to my idea that im not having it in my home !DHmade an appointment at relate and went alone said it helped and is goin back. how are you and your problems hope you reply as thought i was only woman who didnt like it.

[SleepyJess]

NQC I agree. My feeling is that the problem in some of these situations lies in the problem some women have with their blokes looking at porn.. not the porn itself.

Porn does nothing much for me. Yet DH likes it. I am not going to torture myself over him looking at bimbos on a screen.. they are not 'real'.. it's just a visual thing. I don't feel degraded or devalued.. he obviously loves and finds me attractive.. (if I had doubts about this maybe I would have an issue with the porn.. I don't know).

If you hate your bloke looking at it, then I guess you can't help the way you feel.. but then neither can he. Saying 'you must not look at porn' seems like an unreasonable expectation. If I felt that way I would want to work on my own feelings/reactions before calling time on the relationship just over this.

[mcmum]

sleepyjess.
Thanks for reply . Im not a prude honest infact im quite a horny women however its the fact he does it behind my back i dont like i hate lies

[SleepyJess]

Mcmum.. but if you don't forbid him to do it then he won't have to lie. It's just a masturbation aid.. in the way that we might visualise Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom in such a situation.. but men don't have much imagination and have to 'look' at something. The vast majority of men masturbate.. it's normal.. it's almost a reflex.. it's not about not wanting to make love to the woman in their lives.. and the porn is often just a part of that.

You say about the 'behind your back' thing.. well who wants to see a bloke with his willy in his hand anyway?! (Well some of us might.. personally I find it quite a turn on as part of something we are doing together.. but I have no desire to see him doing his 'own thing'.. that's his business! )

[NotQuiteCockney]

There's a lot of porn out there for women, too. I'm not talking about the pictures of blokes, but the "romance" books with a fair bit of action in them. I don't see much, if any, difference between these and men's porn.

I used to work with a bloke whose wife objected to him eating meat. He ate meat away from her, and lied to her about it. How would we feel if she came on here, saying, "I hate meat, yet my DH keeps eating it, and lies about it"?

[mcmum]

Actually we do play together ! but he would be devastated if i watched men on porn maybe i should find a site any suggestions ?