Do you think you're a better mum than your own mum? How do you feel about that?

[dreamingbohemian]

My mum is currently staying with us for 2 weeks (not by choice really, got guilted into it). She's taking care of DS (21 months) while I work from home and DH is away.

We've always had a fraught relationship (long story of course!) but it wasn't until my 30s really that I started to think it's not really all my fault, and that in the end she just has not been a very good mother.

She was not abusive, I know she loves me and in some ways over the years has been helpful. But she is emotionally manipulative, melodramatic, chaotic, bitter, angry, handled her divorce very badly and just generally makes no sense to me. I left home at 17 and never went back for more than a few days at a time.

When I was pregnant and thinking about what kind of mum I wanted to be, I realised everything I thought about was how I don't want to do this like my mum. I could only think of one thing I would copy from her (she always made sure I had lots of books). That is literally it. This realisation was heartbreaking to me

Having her here and seeing how she takes care of DS is giving me a lot of flashbacks and I'm struggling.

I don't think I'm super mum or anything but I do think in many ways I'm doing better than my mum.

I guess maybe this should make me happy but instead I just feel overwhelmingly sad. I wish with all my heart I had a great mum

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way and has any coping strategies. I feel like I could never say any of this in RL because it's such a taboo to think badly of your mum.

I really want to be a better mum than my own mum was but some days I fail.
My parents split up when I was very young and we moved up north to live with gps.

In my opinion my mum basically gave up her parental duties to my gs. They did everything fos us-it was them that taught us to ride bike,swim,read,took us on holiday etc. My mums take on this is that she was a single parent and HAD to work but I dont buy it.

She then left us with gps and moved in with a man she barely knew who turned out to be a sociopath and nearly destroyed our family over the next 8 years.

Imo she chose a horrible man over her dcs and that is unforgivable.

I have been estranged from my mum for the past 4 years and my life is easier without her in it-she was very critical of my choice to be a sahm for example.

I try to do a lot of fun things with my dcs-even when I dont want to! sadly my lack of patience with them particularly if I am reading or writing definately reminds me of my mum

I really, really hope I'm better than her.
She was first emotionally neglectful and then abusive, and I was and remain so damaged that I still struggle every day with many aspects of family life, relationships in general and just coping with the rest of the world. So there are many areas where I can't set a good example.
I do my best for my DCs but am not sure yet whether it will turn out to have been good enough.

Both my parents are dead but I hope that I have been at least as good a Mother as my Mum. They were very strict but I never ever was left in any doubt that I was loved. They were older parents and had been adults during the war so were a product of their time which made them more old-fashioned than my friends parents but our home was always a refuge and I felt welcome even when I went back after having my DC's.

My Mum was a huge support to me after they were born, she loved them and was obviously proud of both them and me.
I miss her more than I can say and I feel so sad for the posters who did not have that love and support which I took for granted.

I find it fascinating how all of you who had inadequate mothers are trying so hard to be better. I always thought my mum was saintly and would have been perfectly happy to be like her until I grew up a lot when I had my own children and realised just how emotionally draining she was - she was vampire-liike in her need for approval and demonstrations of affection. A result of her own utterly disastrous childhood.

And the one thing I have inherited from her? Lack of self-confidence and a need to be loved and approved of Which is a bummer really. But I fight it like mad and I think I have managed to move on from where she was. I am prone to depression and am 100% certain she was too but it was never treated.

I'm a better mum than mine, definitely. But then, I can be a lazy cow with them sometimes (spending too much time on MN!) and think to myself, "well, at least I'm still better than MY mum..."

We were brought up in the 70s and were smacked and shouted at contantly. We weren't bad kids, but there were a lot of us, with very little cash, and I can sympathise with what my mum had to put up with (esp with my dad's selfish behaviour as well) I've spoken to my DSis about this, and she believes mum was depressed (I think I agree) which could go some way to explaining (not excusing) her attitude towards us. We were pests, basically, always in the way, always annoying her, always WANTING something.

She never cuddled or kissed us or told us that she loved us. She never talked to us, or got to know us, it felt like we were just living in the same house, rather than her bringing me up.
She never bought me a bra, I had to have cast offs from my friends. She never bought me sanitary protection, I went without or saved bus/dinner money or (over half of my) wages once I got a job aged 14-15.

What REALLY bugs me about that is that when my 20+yr younger sis was 6 or 7, my mum bought her cute little bra and knicker sets, when she'd never done the same for me when I NEEDED them. The tampax and the bra's are what have REALLY stayed with me, I was SO ashamed and embarrassed.
I could never ask her for anything, she was completely unapproachable, ALWAYS angry (prob at my dad, but she took it out on us)

She had a great upbringing with a loving mother who stuck up for us aginst mum when she was screaming at us, she'd say "now then! They're just CHILDREN!" because we were in high spirits and messing about as kids do. I have to remind myself of this when my kids are driving me nuts, not to go mad at them for "being children"

It drives me MENTAL if she ever tells me off for my parenting. I've never said anything to her, I'd go over the top if I stopped biting my tongue. Thankfully, I can;t remember much about being a kid, but we weren't happy. Now I feel really upset about it again!

My mum and I are pretty different. She was, and is, a fantastic mum. I will never be like her, but part of her being a fantastic mum now is helping me to be a good mum in my own way too.

She is also an awesome grandma.

Okay first of all, thank you again to everyone for writing, this has been a really awful day and it helps so much to read everyone's thoughts and see there are other people in the same boat as me. I feel like I'm not such an awful person now.

Thank you especially for the advice -- Attila I will check out that book and the thread, thanks.

For those of you who have dealt with this kind of thing by distancing yourself -- how do you deal when people then make you out to be the bad guy?

As I said, I left home very young to get away from my family (not just my mum, there are a bunch of people on that side who are very hard work). Over the years, I never said anything bad to anyone, I don't think I really blew people off or anything, I just kept a bit of distance. I guess it was obvious that I didn't really want to come back to my home town too much, but I didn't think individual people would take that personally and think I despised them.

But according to my mum, all our problems are because I rejected her and the entire family, everyone knows that I hate them. She says she 'gets it now', I hate my family. Of course that's 'fine', that's just the way I am. She doesn't accept that my childhood was sad or stressful, she thinks I'm just selfish and don't care about the family. And do I have any idea how embarrassing it's been for her all these years, when people ask her I am and she pretends she just talked to me when actually we haven't talked for 2 weeks?

I know my mum wishes we had a relationship where I called her every day and we chatted about stuff. So she's angry with me that we don't, but she doesn't see at all that it's because she's a fucking lunatic. No, it's because I'm selfish and hate my family.

I know the only thing you can do with crazy toxic people is keep them at arm's length but then what do you do when that makes you the problem?

Thank you again everyone. I'm just really upset. I have my nice little family with DH and DS, I don't want to deal with all this drama.

I think I'm a nice person for the most part, I don't want to think my mum is right about me

Dreaming it sounds like you cope with it amazingly well. If it helps, my mum constantly rewrites history, so much so that many of my clearest childhood memories are apparently my 'overactive' imagination. You juts have to hold on to what you know is true, and be grateful that your kids will have a happier time than you did, thanks to your strength.

All the best to you

So sorry dreaming

To be honest I moved far away because I just don't see myself as part of her family- my husband and me are my family like you say.

I do however get really frustrated with her complete lack of insight- she still has no idea that she may have got it wrong. But then in fairness I've never had a big show-down with her to tell her how I feel. I think it's because I just don't want to let all that bad feeling back into my life. It's not worth it to me so I bite my tongue, nod, smile and don't see her very often.

I think you have to weigh up what you want the outcome to be. I know if I told her what I really thought we probably couldn't go back to a vaguely friendly relationship and I just feel like my childhood is over forever (thank god!) and I won't allow her to wind me up anymore. It's easier said than done but as an adult I'm not going to be her victim. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I feel exactly the same as you, my is just how you described your mum except my father passed away. I have told her thexactly what I thought bout her parenting or lack of it,she never apologises, and after a few days we go back to normal. I don't think I can forgive her cos she's not sorry, but I do put it to the back of my head. Every now and again I feel sad about it but it just makes me know I will never let my kids down like she did me.

Sorry I've only read the 1st bit of this thread but I had to reply as it really struck a chord. My mum is a rubbish mum ( many people have commented over the years that they can't believe she had children). She's not abusive or evil but is thoughtless, uninvolved and unsupportive.
Sad thing is 30 odd years on and she still manages to disappoint me even though my expectations are really low these days
I've always vowed that I wouldn't be anything like her as a parent and so far so good, although I think sometimes I overcompensate as I can't bear the thought that I may be anything like her. I also am constantly seeking reassurance to check I'm not like her as I worry that my relationship with her will cloud that with my child.
We still see her but we tend to manage visits so that she doesn't upset or wind me up (I don't think she does it on purpose shes just like that).
I find it terribly sad that my family & I don't have a good relationship with her.

Yes, I am a better mother than my mother. I love my mum and I respect her and she wasn't awful to me, but she never has had any belief in herself, any self confidence and she passed on a lot of insecurities to me. Since having DD I have spoken to her about this as I feel like more of an equal with her now (i.e. that we're both adults finally) and she seems to understand my points. But in fairness to my mum, since my daughter was born she's been through some awful stuff with my dad leaving her and so sometimes I feel like I'm the parent to both my DD and my mum. She also had very badly treated PND with me and a very unsupportive partner, whereas I have a champion in my DH. It all makes a difference.

I know for a fact that I am a far better mother than my MIL, but I won't go into that as I'll rant all night long.

Dreaming

Hard to compare in my case - I was a young single parent, she was married with a good income when she had kids. I think she was too liberal and I messed about with drugs/sex, when I should have been having boundaries set for me (age 14 onwards). As a result, I bailed out of school and generally screwed up for a while. However, she was very loving and had a lot to deal with and everyone makes mistakes and I don't blame her (plus her mother was a controlling sociopath by the sounds of things, so she didn't have the best role model herself and hated confrontation). My brothers and I ended up going to uni and doing quite well reall?, so maybe her approach wasn't too bad.

I am a lot more strict, which is not always the simplest way and my eldest is only 14 so time will tell if my approach is better or worse. I am really proud of my kids, as is my Mum of hers (and mine).

Thank you ladies... am starting to calm down a bit

I'm really impressed with those of you who have managed to forgive their mums or somehow just let it go. I think I could if she wasn't constantly doing new things that were ridiculous, it just keeps all the bad feelings going.

I feel like it's my fault to a certain extent because I just can't deal with messiness and drama and people being hurtful, I just push it away.

But aren't all families like that to a certain extent? Shouldn't I be able to deal with it at least a little bit, do I really have to keep such a distance? Am I just a weak person then?

Ensign, I also have a problem with the historical memory bit. In our fight today some things came out and my mum was flat out like, that didn't happen, I never said that. I remember these things so clearly though, I don't think I dreamed them!

She is here for two more days and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through them.

I have so much work to do but I think it may be time for

I think that one thing that goes along with becoming a parent, but isn't talked about enough, is how it casts our minds back to the primary parenting role we previously had in our lives. And there's a (sometimes subconscious) mental process that goes along the lines of "that worked well, I'd like to emulate that" or "that was horrible, I'd like to avoid doing that".

A couple of things that came immediately to mind:

My mother said she never acknowledged to us if she was wrong, nor apologised if she was wrong, because to her doing either would reduce our confidence in her. But that wasn't about us, it was about her. I took the opposite view, and apologised to my children when I was wrong, because I figured that my children could easily see, as I saw when I was young, that parents don't always get everything right.

Another thing my mother would do, from my early teens until I left home in my twenties, was to march into my bedroom without knocking, because "she had the right to do so, she was my mother". From the time my children were in their very early teens, I regarded their bedrooms as their private space, and respected that by knocking on their door and only going in if I was invited to.

The advice from Attila is worth reading. I think some people skip over Attila's advice because she makes the same point on most relationship threads she posts to. But that's because the reality of that sudden awakening to being poorly parented is such a shock, but what Attila does is probably the most important thing of all - and that's saying (a) you're not alone, and (b) you areallowed to cut people out of your life, and the life of your children.

I can honestly say that I am nowhere near an equal to my mum yet alone better. She truly is the most amazing woman. She is now the best nan in the world and would adopt my kids if I would let her!
I was one of four and yet she always had time for us, looking back she must have been exhausted as dad worked away a lot and she worked too. I don't even come close!

Sadly I think we both have/had our failings.
My mum had a dreadful birth with me and almost died. She deveolped pnd after as a result and further on down the line she was diagnosed with bipolar. She could be quite volatile, agressive and manipulative. She always told us how motherhood sucks.
Fast foward and I am a single mum. Whilst I do resent some of my mum's parenting I COMPLETELY understand why she acted the way she did especially with bipolar. When dd was born I was determined to do everything differently such as breast feed instaed of bottle but in all honesty I find motherhood really tough. I am sad to say that I don't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I adore dd beyond comprehension BUT I don't see motherhood through rose-tinted glasses. There is a lot of sacrifice, boredom, worry, trauma and sheer hard drudgery. It is much harder than I realised. I try to be a good mum to dd but I don't think I am making enough effort to do crafts etc and I think my dicipline isn't great. I get angry and ratty and I long for time alone to do my own thing. At the same time I love watching her grow, going on days out an dconsider myself lucky to have her but am I a good mum? Not really. I really want to address this. I want to start enjoying it again. To really take pleasure in it all. I don't want dd to pick up on it but she might.
My mum died of mouth cancer this year and I am gutted. Even though she could be quite cruel to me I have forgiven her because I can kind of understand her frustration at loosing her mental health after she had me.

I try very hard not to be like my mum. I can't remember talking to my mum about stuff; getting a hug; always felt uncomfortable if i had friends round. So with my DC's we talk about everything, lots of cuddles and a houseful of friends is not a problem. We get on fine but I dont think she realises I've unfinished business!!

I guess I might have enjoyed it more if I had a great partner. I worry all the time about damaging my dd. I may have depression a bit.

toptramp it's really really tough for people who didn't have a good parenting role model. You sound like you're doing really well and your frustrations are totally normal, I feel exactly the same.

I mentioned a book earlier in the thread, "Parenting from the Inside Out", which helps you unravel the parenting you received, so you can avoid copying it. It repeats itself a lot, but is good.

I am incredibly proud of my mum. Her beliefs and her actions helped change my homeland.
As a mum she was hopeless, her actions that I am proud of meant she wasn't around at all. I was always in the way an inconveniance if you like. And left to fend for myself. Her involvement in things meant I didn't really have a childhood (or at least not one people would recommend)
I don't doubt her love but well you can love and never do anything.

When I had DCs I realised that I had to think from scratch almost forget my parents as parents.
Think of my mum as someone abstract an idea that is foreign to me.
I changed, thought of her as someone to look up to in what she did but not when it came to parenting.

I started from scratch.

I would be interested to find out if those who feel that you do a better job than your own mum also enjoy your role as mum 100% including the shitty jobs! Reading this has made me determined to make more effort to make the most of my dds childhood and try to breathe through my frustrations with a ''this too will pass" attitude! I do sometimes feel sad that single motherhood is something I feel resigned to sometimes whereas I want it to be something that I embrace.

My Mum was 21 when I was born, I was 37 when I had mine.
I think the fact I was so much older changes a lot, my Mum was great fun and very energetic, but perhaps was also a bit naive in some ways and was under pressure from her own parents and in laws. I'm less energetic! (I hope I'm still fun) but am calmer and more confident and assertive than she was. But I have to say, that has a lot to do with my Mum - she has enabled me to be a good parent, I don't think I'm better than her - but probably different.