Another mother...irritation

[lowprofiler]

Not sure where to post this but in the nutshell: met this woman, our DS's went to the same nursery and now go to the same school. I was in a fug after having children and having moved to a new area and probably wasn't being too choosy about who to be friends with! At first we hung out and she would text all the time, suggesting to meet up. She would include me in all her family birthday parties (even though I didn't know them very well), suggest our DS's share parties, play-dates etc and include me in any local mum gatherings. Often she'd turn up at my home unannounced saying she was "just passing". Sometimes she would turn up at the weekend - once with all 5 members of her family while we were having lunch (with friends) and expected to join in. She is very chatty and means well but it's difficult to extract yourself from her as she will talk and talk and seems to have no awareness of other people's space or time. About a year ago I decided to back off and be a bit distant which worked for a bit until she started to invite DS over directly at the school gates. She even set him up with a facebook page without my consent which I was not too happy about. She says she keeps tabs on us by looking at our FB pages! Her latest technique is to say our DS's have made a plan...to have a sleepover at our house or to go on a bike ride. If she tries to make a date I will text to say we have other plans but she ignores this and suggests an alternative time later in the day or squeezing in a meeting at some point. If I ignore her she puts a loaded comment on FB. It's exasperating. She wants the DS's to go to the same secondary school. How do I shake her off? Advice please.

In one way I think you are lucky in having a friend but I can see where you are coming from. If you read a lot of threads on here they are from people who are very lonely and would love to have someone around them like that.

I don't think it's all that helpful to say what other people would like. The OP is not other people, she is herself, and she finds this "friendship" intrusive.

It's all very well to be friendly, but this woman is overstepping boundaries and not entirely out of misplaced goodwill, as witness the snippy comments on FB. It's not always easy to "just say no", but if gentle hints are not working I think you have to be firmer. There are some staple phrases recommended on here on the lines of "No, that won't work for me", when you don't want to do something but if you give reasons the other person will just knock them down one after the other! Thus, you don't give reasons, you just patiently repeat that it doesn't work for you until they give up and go away. It's a recognised assertiveness technique. I found this book useful because I'm not very good at telling people to their faces to do one (unless I loathe them, which is rare).

I have a friend similar to that, although not as bad.
I am often saying ... We're busy/no, dd is NOT going to that because .../ etc.

I say to the mum in quite strong terms that my dd is not going to do whatever her dd does, just because the mum thinks it is fun and what a great mum she is.

I have to defend myself constantly and it is a bore. But she has recently backed off and is not belittling my parenting choices.

It is tough and you have my sympathies but stick to your guns and hopefully she will get the hint and back off.

It is very bloody annoying though.. The facebook thing i would have been REALLY pissed off with. (one particular mum friend is always trying to give my dd a mars bar after school. And i always say she dosn't need a bloody big bar of chocolate, to which she calls me a killjoy. IT'S MY BLOODY CHILD FFS!!!!! Except it's not funny.

I have had almost 7 years of this so I'm not making a fuss about nothing. Thank you Annie & MrsM for seeing my point of view and I feel for you MrsM having to deal with taunts. Sometimes I feel it's like dealing with playground antics on a grown-up level. I realise there are lonely people out there but you're right Annie: this one does not have any boundaries and it's all about what suits her and when. I don't want to be unfriendly but at the same time I don't want her always encroaching on my life. Some women are just very pushy and will not take no for an answer.

I cannot believe that someone would set up a Facebook account for another person's child!!! Aside from all the other things you mention, that in itself is totally intrusive and very out of order. I think my first step would be to cancel my child's FB account (unless, of course, you are ok with it - depends on your child's age and your feelings about social networking sites). It's easier said than done ending friendships so it's tricky offering advice as it's easy to say "just do this, that and the other" but putting it into practice is another thing!' It sounds to me that a subtle approach won't work on the basis that she doesn't appear to have much self-awareness. If you are brave enough I would just lay your cards on the table with her and ride the storm that follows.

When I said I wasn't too pleased about DS having a FB account, she scoffed and said it was only a bit of fun and bedsides I could adjust his FB privacy settings. Like MrsM, this woman will try and make out I'm being a killjoy by not letting DS do/have what her DS does/has. In the same way if I say I'm busy she doesn't really believe me (or listen), hence her riding roughshod over me saying no to something. There seems to be little respect for my feelings, let alone my space.

She really does sound like a complete pain. The FB thing has really wound me up, how dare she insuinate that your disapproval of your OWN child having an FB account makes you a killjoy. You are entitled to your own views and parenting standards and she's entitled to hers but she is NOT entitled to impose her standards on YOU. What is wrong with people like this? I don't know how you are going to get away from her without having a proper showdown but obviously that's not ideal either. If she sends you another loaded FB message (presumably on your public wall?), could you take the opportunity to reply via email about how she is making you feel? I really do think that no matter what approach you take, she's going to be upset so you need to do it in a way that's easier for you. At least if you write it down, she can't interrupt and you can take your time carefully drafting out exactly what you want to say. Sorry I can't come up with anything else, I'm just trying to think realistically rather than offer advice like "just tell her to f*ck off" (which is what I want to say!) as I know I'd be unable to do that myself so I'm not going to suggest someone else does it!

...yes the FB thing is very annoying. When sending a loaded message to me, it isn't done so directly, more as a status update which is worse as you are left thinking 'is that for me or someone else..?' but with the timing and everything I know it's aimed at me and it has happened a few times. For example if haven't made it to her birthday she will write "thanks to all the girls for an amazing birthday, all the gifts, all the laughs...you really know who your true friends are, the ones who turn up and make it special..." or something along those lines. Pathetic really. I am not a fan of passive aggression having a mother who has done that to me most of my life but that's another story.Don't get me started ! If our DS's were not such good friends I would tell her exactly what I think...and you took the words right out of my mouth. In truth, I don't really care about her but she still manages get right on my nerves.

tbh, the only weird thing about this friendship to me is the fb stuff, the rest of it is pretty normal, for a friend you have known for years. and i am not quite understanding the issue with friends inviting you to family parties or dropping by?

Nailak do you really think it's normal to invite a friend to the birthday party of one of your family members (e.g. your mother) if your friend doesn't even know your mother? And would you turn up at a friend's house at the weekend with your entire family in tow and expect to be fed?

Well yes, I am like Nailak. I often invite friends to family do's and they me..... it's quite normal I think if you are actually a good friend........

Yes, me and my mother were recently invited to my friends sils wedding that we never met, at my mum even did some of the cooking for the reception.... Perfectly normal. My friend always comes to Xmas dinner at my mums and invited her sil amd bil too...

Actually every year she brings someone different that has no family to go to.

she is not what I would consider a close friend. Our DS's are good friends and even that feels forced sometimes as DS will say they are not getting on but she pushes for an invite or play date. Our 'friendship' doesn't flow. It doesn't feel equal or normal.

I had a friend like this once. She was over familiar too soon and started calling me her best friend etc etc after a couple of weeks of knowing her. She's also talked about people we both know as if she knew a secret or some personal information about them (some of whom were very good friends of mine and even a couple of times included DH). She'd ask for hugs and cuddles from my reluctant DCs and was quite overbearing. There's more stuff which is hard to define.

I felt very uncomfortable about the friendship so had to started distancing myself gradually. I was always polite and friendly just not very effusive. During one conversation about a married man she was having a fling with I told her directly that I didn't agree with what she was doing and couldn't support her and didn't want to hear about it anymore (cats bum mouth emoticon). Eventually she got the message and I don't really see her at all any more. It was a horrible time and I felt like a complete bitch as I'm a people pleaser most of the time. I know she was lonely, unhappy and insecure and I certainly didn't help that but the relationship as it was was stressful and toxic to me so I had to distance myself.

I would have liked to have been friends with her on some level, just not in the intensive/ exclusive way she wanted.

Sorry for the epic post, what I wanted to say was- Don't feel bad for distancing yourself. If you don't really like someone, you don't really like them.

I had a "friend" like this. She acted like she was "best friends" (sorry about that expression!) with me the day she met me and from then on intruded into everything I did and everything my DCs did (hers same ages). At first, I thought she was just really friendly and a nice person, but as time went on, I began to dread seeing her at the school gates because I knew I would get collared for something or other. I tried backing off gently and gradually but it didn't work, she would find other ways of butting in. She would copy everything I did and started to follow me around and it was at this point that I cut her out. Very harshly and immediately. I have never had to treat another person like this and it made me feel awful to do so but I had mentally given her chance after chance after chance to stop her behaviour and nothing I could do or say worked. Sounds really nasty, but depending on how desperate you are, I would do the same.

Another one here whos experienced the same , so sympathys , these people are hard to shake off .

Consider deativating both yours and your sons facebook accounts . She will ask , simply state your both fed up with it . If she calls unanounced , answer the door with your coat in your hand , your just on your way out , even if it means a ten minuite walk to nowhere .

You have to be unavailable.

Thanks for the advice. Maybe I haven't been heavy enough with the hints! Gardenplants...sounds like you had a potential stalker there.

Block her from FB take down your childs account