Please help me understand......

[screamadelica]

Separated from H a month ago....

I need some help to understand something that has bothered me for ages.

Back in 2008 H and were involved in an RTA. We were knocked down. I was quite badly injured, he wasn't.
I could not remember anything from that night. while being treated in hospital i was asking the nurses and H why we were there!!, totally confused, knocked senseless really.

I left the hospital,despite being told i should stay in..but HAD to get home to our DCs.

I was also screaming for my best friend in rl...she came as i made H ring her.
I don't know why, all i knew was i didn't feel comfortable with H there.

We got home...H was crying as he tried to explain what had happend to me, he said he thought i was dead as i lay in the road. He had flagged a passing police car, who then got an ambulance. I came round as the ambulance pulled up. So he said we were walking and laughing and joking around and then he crossed the road i followed and the car hit us!!

I have only a very limited memory of this so was trusting him to fill in the massive gaps for me. It is an awful feeling not being able to remember why I was so injured but my brain is protecting me from it all. I went to bed that night and H told me he loved me..

Fast Forward 2 years....on finding out about Hs affair. During a conversation i was having with H he told me that the night we were knocked down he had told me he was leaving me, as soon as he said it i knew it to be the truth!! It just felt right.

I was very nearly sick, what sort of person can lie about something like that to someone he's supposed to love. I just cannot get it out of my head. My head has been screwed up by this man.

He obviously must have felt very trapped after but he should have had the guts to tell me the truth.

I just need to understand what sort of person can do that to another human being. I know hes gone but im struggling to comprehend just what on earth was going on in his head. I feel like i love him but do not think i do really. How could I??? he must absolutly hate me, to do that. I do think sometimes that he pushed me into the road...but have no proof as have no memory of my own.
thanks in advance.

Oh dear, you poor thing, what a terrible series of events.
You must be desperate for someone to fill in the gaps, did he push you/did you walk away from him onto the road/were you in such shock that you walked infront of a car and he tried to pull you back?

I really think you need to talk to a professional listener/counsellery type person who can help you work through your distress and help you make some sense of events.

Your husband will have the answers but it sounds as though you can't trust him to provide them.

Were their any witnesses who could be tracked down?

Why did dh lie at the time? And what does he say about it now?

What about the driver of the car that hit you? What is his version of events?

This is going to sound really harsh and unsympathetic - but please believe I am incredibly sympathetic.

"what sort of person can lie about something like that to someone he's supposed to love" - he didn't love you. That's how. But that doesn't mean he hates you.

He told you he was leaving, you got hit by a car and possibly if you hadn't been in such a state/so distressed you would have seen the car and avoided it. So he felt as guilty as hell, you were badly injured and he did what probably most people would have done to protect themselves; he lied. The shock of the accident may have contributed to that - he wouldn't have responded rationally straight away, and once he'd dug himself the "everything was fine, we were laughing and joking" hole, he couldn't get out of it.

And re the feeling trapped afterwards thing - maybe the thought of what could have happened caused him to rethink for a while?

I wouldn't believe H now. Had CBT for panic attacks but it was just after i found out about H affair,(complicated everything) she just looked at me when i told her, looked quite shocked actually, but was treating me for anxiety after accident not for anxiety after H affair. IYSWIM.

Bejeezus, It was a terrible night, absolutely pouring down Driver had poor visabilty and said we just walked out infront of him. he said i had my coat over my head, so he could see that, but thats all i know. I said that is not something i do as a rule and never use a brolly. But who knows!!

Thankyou for the replies

Hassled... I don't think you sound harsh at all..I agree with you.

I would just have liked to have known the whole story.