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Original poster

Sex life

24 replies

CoralRose · 29/01/2012 23:38

Mine and Dh's sex life has been rocky to say the least. Since children and various other life events.

We always try to work through, usually after reaching a stale mate.

This time however I'm not sure I can get it back.

Main problem I think is my sex drive, or lack off. DH's is high and I often feel pressure.

I feel it's gone further this time. I din't even want to get my drive back, I feel irritated whenever DH mentions sex, or tries it on.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Chirpychick2010 · 29/01/2012 23:43

Don't know sorry but when you find the answer please let me know lol on a serious note go and see your go to get advice there could be a medical reason physical or mental if your like me its defiantly mental lool sorry can't be of more help!

aviatrix · 29/01/2012 23:50

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ThoseArentSpiritFingers · 30/01/2012 01:31

I had this issue, cane off the inplant invade is was that... Then cane off the pill in case is was that.. Now haveefr the relationship. Because I realised that we were platonic friends rather than partners and it wasn't fair on him to carry on. Xxx

Original poster
CoralRose · 30/01/2012 10:27

My reasons for not wanting sex are:

Tired
I breast feeding and up alot in the night with 8 month old.
We have 3 children under 5, two of them co-sleep.
Sex is uncomfortable.
I struggle to get 'in the mood', I always prefer a cuddle.
I get irritated when touched sometimes.
I find it hard to let go of arguments, and things that are said.
I feel immense pressure to 'perform' and often feel backed into a corner.

OP posts:
aviatrix · 30/01/2012 19:07

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Original poster
CoralRose · 30/01/2012 23:13

We've tried Relate. Twice. Didn't go anywhere either time.

He's just mentioned he might go away for a couple of weeks. Might be good. If I'm honest, I'll be glad of the break

OP posts:
aviatrix · 30/01/2012 23:14

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Original poster
CoralRose · 31/01/2012 14:56

That's OK, it's almost as good to just 'write' it down Smile

OP posts:
something2say · 31/01/2012 21:25

Well I don't know anything about married life or having kids, but I do think that you must be exhausted and that you may have a lot of unwinding to do before you feel ready to have sex. You may want to talk to him, him to help you finish things and then sit down, to talk to him about anything and everything that may be on your mind, and maybe to cry if needs be and get a cuddle and lie there for ages and not have him with straying hands, making you think any minute he's going to try and start sex. I bet sex would start on its own then. x

HereIGo · 31/01/2012 21:36

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solidgoldbrass · 31/01/2012 21:39

How much of his share of domestic work and childcare does your H do? If he does very little and then starts waving his cock around, that's one of the biggest turn-offs there is: you get into a mindset of sex being yet another service you are expected to perform for his benefit because you are already feeling like his servant.

Ernestina · 31/01/2012 21:54

I think it's understandable to not want sex. Young children never leave you alone for a second - they're always clambering all over you and demanding your attention. Your dh is at the back of the queue and trying it on after a looooong day with the children is never going to work.

Depends how often you're feeding, but have you thought about getting someone to take the kids out for a few hours in the day - perhaps divide and conquer, one person looks after the baby and someone else takes the older two - and then you and DH can go back to bed at a time of day when you might actually have some energy...

aviatrix · 31/01/2012 22:21

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Original poster
CoralRose · 31/01/2012 23:26

I know we were soul mates at one point, it's hard to see through the fuzz of children, work and everything else.

Sex definitely feels like another chore. I spend all day meeting the needs of three little people, cleaning up after everyone, feeding everyone, then 300 favours for everyone else(family, friends), then finally when I'm finished at the end of it (usually about 9pm) I collapse on the sofa, and DH is there, bright eyed and wagging his tail (so to speak). I just think 'ugh'. Not because of him... Just because I just want a little bit of headspace left for me, and just me, and at the moment sex just isn't for me. Iyswim.

But then we have this situation, which is DH frustrated and snappy, me snappy back, the arguing, then stale mate. I want to feel loved before sex, he needs sex to feel loved. We keep ending up here and I feel like I just van't be bothered with it anymore.

OP posts:
aviatrix · 31/01/2012 23:30

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Original poster
CoralRose · 31/01/2012 23:31

Forgot- cutting co-sleeping isn't really an option. They all go to bad in their own beds, baby will be in and out at various points, he's fussy Grin and toddler comes in at about 5 and sleeps for a couple of hours. All of us would be unhappy if that was to stop.

OP posts:
PiedWagtail · 31/01/2012 23:36

God, Coral Rose - you are me :) Hmm

And my dc are 8 and 4.... ds still comes into our bed every day though, at about 5-6.... but I can soo get where you are coming from. Sex is a chore to add to the list of chores. I just want to be left alone in the evenings. DH wants sex to feel close - I have to feel close to want sex!! Argh. What to do??

Diggs · 31/01/2012 23:37

Theres really nothing more off putting than being mithered into sex , if he knows you are stressed , touched out , and not really up for it , its not fair of him to get snappy or argue about it .

something2say · 01/02/2012 07:29

Can you take it in turns? One day he gives you the love you need before sex, the next time you let him have his way. I have known to get the KY out so the man can have a quickie. Generally I get turned on then too. I also found that my turn was given a bit rolley eyed, but here's hoping your guy actually cares about what you have to say.

So I reckon - get him to help more if he wants sex, get him to understand that you need to be cared for and loved to feel turned on, and also tell him that you understand he wants simple sex as well and give that to him (as long as you are getting yours.)

Sex can be such a minefield can't it. Remember when we were all gagging for it? lol

Iamjustthemilkmachine · 01/02/2012 21:51

OP I could have written your post exactly, minus two children, just the baby. At least you must have had some sex life at some point to get where you are, for us it is lucky that we only wanted one... no seriously, I don't know what's the solution, I keep telling him that we need to do more stuff together on weekends, I feel like doing things will bring us closer, but he needs the sex to feel closer, so as you say, stale mate.
It doesn't help the fact that anythign and everything he does irritates me, so even if when he's not here i do fancy him, as soon as he arrives it all goes out of the window, I just hope it is the hormones.
Please post about how it goes, you might find an answer and I'd like to try it.

GnomeDePlume · 01/02/2012 22:17

One thing - can you try to stop doing the favours for family and friends? Your first priority must be for your nuclear family. In your post yesterday at 23.26 it seems to imply that family and friends came before your marriage.

Original poster
CoralRose · 02/02/2012 20:50

This is exactly it... He needs sex to feel close, I need to feel close to have sex.

Things are going worse for us unfortunately Sad there's talk of him moving out. So fed up of wasting these precious moments by arguing and being miserable. I can't help thinking I'd be better on my own, at the moment I can't see any benefit in being with him.

OP posts:
aviatrix · 02/02/2012 21:00

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Original poster
CoralRose · 02/02/2012 21:07

He does pull his weight, I suppose. He works long hours in a hard manual job so I can't expect too much

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