Is one enough?

[ripitupandstartagain]

Would you tell me if you think you can tell if there is a spark or connection with someone after one date? Would it be evident on first meeting?

I am of the opinion that it would, so have never persisted after the first date if I didn't feel a spark or some sort of recognition of some intangible thing.

I therefore have no idea if this is correct or whether I could inadvertantly discount a gem using this rather ruthless method? On the other hand, where would you draw the line seeing if someone is a grower??

I am asking this as I am wondering whether I have been mad to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result!

Blimey, complicated much? You like someone, see them again, if not, don't.

Maybe it it is simple for you. Jolly Good. Pleased for you. I have a track history of fucking up though.

My dh was a grower. I kept going out with him because I was 17 and bored. And he was kinda fun to be around. But there was no big spark for me. I thought he was the opposite of my type.

If I'd had to make a decision after one date, I would probably have dumped him.

20 years later ... very glad I didn't.

Just take your time, see him again, it takes time to 'warm' to people sometimes. If you actually didn't like him that's a different matter. Love grows out of friendship, it doesn't have to be whistles and bells straight away.

:)

I think that, unless the first date was full of red flags, you can generally tell better on the second date.

You might find you have an amazing spark with someone a first date, but not feeling it instantly doesn't mean it's not right around the corner with them. That said, I've always felt something and a connection the first time I met people I went on to have relationships with.

I haven't dated that much in the past for various reasons.

Have previously gone purely on physical chemistry and feeling a bit high when I am around them and am wondering whether that is the issue. But having lurked on here quite a bit, I can see that a lot of other people wouldn't compromise on the grrr factor being essential.

Treat dates as an opportunity to make new friends, don't go looking for My True Love. Couplehood isn't compulsory. Dating lots of men causally is a good way of recallibrating your knob radar and having fun; being desperate for True Love is always disastrous.

Yes mojito, am trying to establish what the heck is slow burn and is it good??!
[singed eyebrow emoticon]

Yes SGB, am not necessarily looking for the 'one true love' but want to shag someone who likes me alot and I like them alot and we have a bloody good time, preferably without any third parties or major dysfunction being involved.

I think there has to be something ...but I read somewhere that if it's head over heeels heart thumping then you have recognised someone who "fits" your patterning for relationships...wonderful if you have had positive role models and experiences but in my case a complete nightmare...

I kept changing peripheral criteria..like height, hair colour, job type, loud, quiet...no matter..all complete loons, then decided to give not heart thumping but definitely interesting DP a second date ....and was lovely again shagged senseless

And we did meet through a dating site..2 emails each ..one phone call to arrange the date. Thoroughly agree with all posters about not wasting time on fantasy on-line relationships.

Maybe give the interesting/cute ones another go and bin at first red flag.

Best of luck OP

I would look at it another way- do you find the idea of them coming near you quite repulsive?! In other words, some men are just a no-no, you kind of know, probably within half an hour of the start of the first date, that however nice they are, you just will never find them attractive. I would not personally bother dating twice with these men. If you are unsure (say the person is interesting to you/ok looking/you have lots of laughs), or positively think they are fanciable, but not sure if it's a spark, then I would definitely go out again to help you make up your mind.

First time I met my partner, I thought he was a bit of a geek - but I still couldn't get him out of my mind.

Like hardgoing says, if you find them rank, it should be a no-goer. If you think they're ok, I'd give it a second go - even if you don't end up fancying them, they could turn out to be a mate.

Yes, if the idea of kissing him makes you want to puke, however polite and presentable he is, better to move on.

For me its the first shag. No chemistry in bed would mean I cannot wait to dump him.

Mojitomania- your use of the word 'mongs' is really offensive. Are you aware of this? Would you like me to explain?

Ripitupandstartagain, if I liked someone, and thought we had things in common, I would perhaps go on a second date but if there was no spark fairly soon then I don't think I would bother.

Excellent and practical advice, thanks!

Think I can work with this MN decision tree:

Sirens going off and power of rational lost though due to blood rush to erogenous zones: no
Imagine kissing and want to puke - no
Clock watching during date - no
Definately interesting - yes
Maybe not my usual type but like the way they think- yes
Unimaginative and/or takes self too seriously: - no

Um, and expecations for the sex aspect?
Not quite as good as getting a bargain on e-bay - no
Almost a spiritual experience - yes

Love it...

Though think about swapping spiritual for wow!

Jolly good fun and makes you feel very very good about yourself...but def not deep and meaningful yet....

you'll have all that to work for and that was the slow burn that I found so odd but when it did get meaningful it really meant something IYSWIM

Have fun