Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

need a hug

11 replies

jan2011 · 29/01/2012 22:46

hi
i have had ongoing problems in my marriage. since my baby has been born a few months ago things have just went from bad to worse... today has been an especially hard day- the baby has colic at the minute and i had a hard time dealing with it this morning. we had an argument after that. then i ask for space (we talked about this in counselling - he keeps going on and on and on at me arguing etc etc when i say can we leave it) i go out of one room he follows me and keeps going on. so i say i am going out to get some space. he slams the door, say i never give HIM a minute to talk, and storms off the rest of the day leaving me to do all the housework (sunday is the only day he helps me so i did his and mine) and look after the baby. he comes in again and i am exhausted from house and an unsettled baby and demands we talk - when i say now isn't the right time he just keeps arguing, provoking me, accusing me of things, we just fire darts at each other. yet again, i keep leaving rooms to stop it, and he keeps following me. until i throw the hot chocolate (the tin of mix)) on the floor which spills everywhere. by this point i have no energy left for anyore cleaning so i say im just leaving it for now. he says either clean that up or else im taking the baby out for the night. the baby needs me as she is upset at the minute and needs me for feeding and comfort, so i say no i need the baby here with me....so he goes out for the night too. bear in mind, this is his one day off a week, and he says as this is his one day off a week he did not want to do housework. well since this was his one day off a week, i thought he might have helped me during the day with the baby a bit more so i could get a break! i am emotionally worn out with upset after upset. so after he left i couldn't stop crying, i cleaned the hot chocolate, packed my stuff and have gone to stay at my mums with the baby. this is not the first time ive ended up here. i hear the baby crying downstairs with mum and dad. i am so tired - i don't want to live with him anymore. but it seems to hard to leave - there would be so much stuff to sort out... i don't know if i have the strength for all that... but i don't have the strength to keep living like this, and arguing in front of the baby is not good i don't want her to see mum crying angry and upset a lot of the time. we are currently going to counselling. even with that, i don't think i can go back. i don't know what to do. im too far away from everything here, but it seems so hard to get my own place. citizens advice says i would just about be able to afford to rent somewhere - i am not working i look after baby fulltime, was doing a college course but took a year out for the baby. idon't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
spenditwisely · 29/01/2012 22:52

{hug} :)

spenditwisely · 29/01/2012 22:55

It sounds as though you know exactly what you need to do. Go with your gut instinct, stay with your Mum & Dad as long as you need to. You need support, so stick around those who will support you and the rest will follow.

What kind of things does he say and do? Have you got some examples - is it the way he speaks to you generally or is does he just fly off the handle?

mojitomania · 29/01/2012 22:58

Half of me wants to say well why the hell did you have a baby in the first place with a shit... But you did and im not judge judy. A baby doesnt make a man! it makes a bad man worse!

BUT, you have a baby now OP and the baby must be your first priority. In this day and age you can support a baby and be on your own. It's very very do-able. Let that new little life be the beginning of no more fuck ups. Get away and do what's right x

spenditwisely · 29/01/2012 23:20

From what he says about not wanting to do housework on a Sunday... Being a main carer to a baby is a full time 24/7 job. Do you ever get a lunchbreak, or a couple of hours to watch TV without interruption - or god forbid a few hours to go to the shops alone? I do hope he's not been implying that he's getting the raw deal here. If you don't work as a team (either be responsible for separate jobs at home or share the work) there will always be conflict.

If he's following you around trying to argue, well, that's just aggressive and not what you do to the person who is looking after the most precious thing in your life.

melatoon4 · 29/01/2012 23:27

I am sorry to hear you having such a rough time of it. Staying with your parents will give you chance to breath and decide what you really need to do, although from your post it looks as though you may know what you have to do already. You will surprise yourself by the strength you can muster when you need to. It's not going to easy but unfortunately life never is but I hope you find a resolution. Take care of yourself :)

jan2011 · 30/01/2012 08:50

i do get time to myself - he usually minds the baby from 8.30 - 10.30 when she goes to bed. but this is not really time to myself as i just go to bed to get some sleep as i get up in the night. he says because he does this every night that i don't need time off during the days and that he minds her loads (which is true if you add this up every night) but to be honest i could easily get into a routine at night with the baby, put her down earlier myself (i am teaching her to take the bottle from me) and let her get up earlier in the morning.
he doesn't always fly off the handle like storm out....but he does generally speak to me like this. i am fed up with it. i have tried over 3 years to make it work, he has too. he is not a bad person, we just have too many problems and issues, and he has no respect for me anymore and my respect for him is going down and i just can't take it anymore....i can't live my life being upset to the point of crying my eyes out every couple of days when i have a newborn who is depending on me.

i am sooo glad i had a baby! the baby has changed my life. i love her soo soo much. if i went through a whole load of hardship to get her it would be worth it. i am just so sorry i am not in a good position to support her financially - but i do have all the love in the world to give her right now.
i just don't know where to go from here. my parents live 50 minutes away from everything else in my life - its too far for me to be driving up and down all the time, so either i start a new life here and stay with them, or i try to move out and do it on my own, which iwould prefer as we need our own space and the social contacts we have etc are not in this area. but would i be able to afford it? i am not working. in time, i could go back to work part time and mum could mind the baby 1-2 days a week. i just don't know if all this is possible. can people really do this without a full time income? my husband deals with all the finances so i just don't have a clue. im sorry. i feel such a failure for not even knowing all this. it is all so daunting to me, everything is at the minute. i feel so unsettled. its ok staying at mums - but after 2 days i am bored - that sounds awful, but they live in a very remote area, i have no friends, no baby groups or anything. i get really down after awhile. sorry i know there are no easy answers. i am dreading talking to my husband - and we are supposed to be having counselling this week - the day will be a nightmare as i wil have to be travelling with him afterwards as someone minds the baby for us

OP posts:
melatoon4 · 30/01/2012 09:18

Your not a failure, you've got to stop being so harsh on yourself. So you don't know about finances well there is no time like the present to start :) In terms of the finances I'd suggest going to the CAB or type in Benefits calculator on google so you can get an idea of what you'd be entitled to and how you'd manage.

Your decision won't be an easy one but only you can decide what is right for you and your daughter. Good luck xx

jan2011 · 30/01/2012 09:52

thank x

OP posts:
jan2011 · 30/01/2012 09:52

just feeling so vulnerable right now. this too will pass..

OP posts:
bejeezus · 30/01/2012 09:57

You will find the strength to sort out your finances and do everything you need to do. You don't need to make any decisions right now. What I think you should do, is get some sleep. Sleep deprivation makes everything feel really daunting x

Onesunnymorningin2012 · 30/01/2012 11:18

(hug)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread