Wonderful hsband, but suddenly past absuive relationships nigglign at me

[HeartOfArse]

I have been with DH for 11 years and we have two children. He is a truly wonderful husband and father. We are equal partners - both work, both take care of housework, both around for the kids - and he is a supportive, encouraging, kind and lovely man. We are happy. I am happy.

But recently, it is like a floodgate of grief and upset has opened in me, and I don't know why or how to close the gate

Before I met DH, I had only four serious relationships (lasting 2 yrs, then 2 yrs, then 3 years, then 4 years) and all were abusive and destructive in different ways. I have no reason to be wallowing in the paint hat stuff that happened years ago has caused....but recently, I find myself thinking about those relationships and some of the things that happened, and feeling sad and angry and shocked at myself for putting up with stuff. I have no idea why this is all bubbling up inside me now, and I feel i cannot talk to my DH about it (although I would normally talk to him about anything).

I don't really know what I am asking for from MN, to be honest. I guess just to see if anyone else has ever felt this way? And how did you overcome it?

I find myself thinking about things that happened in previous relationships and going over and over them in my head, wishing I had said or done certain things or just feeling aghast at my 'dark past'.

wallowing in the pain that, not paint

Perhaps you're reaching a point in your life where you finally feel strong enough to deal with all the hurt you experienced? If you go through something traumatic your brain tends to put it away until, all of a sudden, it starts to emerge again. All it means is that your brain is trying to work through what you experienced to make sense of it. Would you consider having counselling?

This emotional stuff is coming up because it needs to be dealt with.

If you feel you can't talk to your husband about it - and, do be honest, you and he are too emotionally involved for him to be the best sounding board on these issues - then perhaps it is time to seek out a professional. Find a good therapist, or sign up to your local Freedom Programme.

Maybe there is a trigger for these thoughts bubbling up now, and you'll eventually figure out what it was. Maybe the only "trigger" is the fact that you are now stable and happy, so it is safe to open up all this destabilizing stuff, because you're in a strong place to be able to deal with it.

Don't ignore these thoughts and feelings, though. They'll just keep popping up until they're dealt with. Grasp the nettle!

Thanks CailinDana. Yes, I would consider it - hadnt even thought of it before, though! I suppose maybe it would be helpful. I sometimes have moments when I look at my life - which is good - and think 'WTF was I doing? What was so wrong and so damaged about em that I put up with that shit for so many years and , in fact, thrived on the drama of it?

Its a very uncomfortable thing to confront about myself.

HotDAMN, I definitely do feel that it is only now I am able to feel strong enough to confront some of the awful things that happened in my relationships.

I have never told anyone some of the stuff that happened. A very close friend knows a few bits and pieces. Sometimes I just want to be able to let it all out and actually talk about it and say 'this or that happened to me'. I hope that doesnt sound self indulgent.

What is the Freedom Programme?

It's not self-indulgent. It's essential. I can't believe you've kept all this bottled up for so long. Definitely let it out!

The Freedom Programme is a group therapy programme, for women who have been in abusive relationships. I haven't been on it so can't tell you much more, but here's a link. (MN has been my group therapy!)

Group therapy is reputedly excellent for people who were victims of abuse (in addition to individual therapy), because there is great strength in realizing that you are not alone, you are not crazy, the exact same shit happened to all sorts of other people who obviously didn't deserve it.

I've done individual therapy and it has done wonders. It really helps you understand how you, personally, came to be in that situation, and to find the tools that you, personally, can use to avoid the same pitfalls in the future.

..

I totally understand what you mean about wanting so say "this happened to me." I was abused as a child and I sometimes get a massive urge to just tell people about it. Partly I think it's a desire to hear other people's reactions to it, to make sense of it, and partly I think it's a need to be heard and understood. I think it would be perfectly fine to ask your close friend if she'll sit with you and listen to what you have to say some evening. However, let her know that it might be upsetting and that she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to.

The advantage of talking to a counsellor is that you don't feel you're imposing on them or that you're boring them with your stories. On top of that they understand how to encourage you to talk and to bring you to an understanding of your feelings.

If you wanted to talk about what happened to you on here there will always be someone around to "listen" but it can be unsatisfying if replies are slow.

Thank you CailinDana. I am quite worried about what people will think of me (stupid, I know, specially as MN is anonymous and my friend wouldnt judge me, dont think).

The fear of being judged is totally normal. And yes, some people will judge you. I was a child when I was abused, I had no idea what was happening and I certainly wasn't responsible for what happened. Yet one counsellor (yes, a counsellor, there are some shit ones out there) said that I "must have been too trusting" - implying that it was my trusting nature that led me to be abused. That fucked me up at the time. Some people you tell might belittle your experiences, or ask you questions like "but why did you put up with it, why didn't you do something?" Those kinds of questions can really shake you and reinforce the feeling that you are to blame for what happened. All you have to remember is that no one actually wants to be hurt. No one. No one consciously sets themselves up to be abused. Yes, looking back you might question some of your actions but remember at the time you did what you thought was right. You might cringe now at some things you did, but you were younger then and in a very tough situation that would test anyone's ability to cope. Counselling will help you go through the process of looking at everything that happened and understanding it, and most importantly it will help you to stop judging yourself so harshly.

has Someone mentioned the Lundy Bancroft Book, Why Does He Do That? It will help you understand that NONE of what you suffered was your fault, nor actually ANYTHING to do with you.

I also say that you ought to call Woman's Aid, and get yourself on the Freedom Programme.

No-one will judge YOU. and IF they did, you can judge them right back!

Abuse hinges on what others will think, but it's all FAKE, created by the perpetrators.

I say here often that emotional abuse is worse in many ways than physical, although many of us suffer BOTH kinds.

The bruises etc all heal by themselves. The mental scars NEVER heal, unless they are treated/healed by OUR work to fix them.

You can do this, tbh, you MUST do this vital work on yourself, you will free yourself from all of this, it will be the making of you.

We all slap ourselves for allowing so much to happen to us, but remember, we were not the ones that chose to do those dreadful things. THEY chose to hurt us, we had our self protection system removed from us so we were defenceless against the abuse.

Please keep posting, please PM any one of us if you think we can help. Come read the links on the EA support thread? let us know how WE can help you too?

Thank you for your advice and kind words, Houdini x