Idly wondering (abusive mother issues)

[mrsmaltesers]

To cut a long story short ... My mother was emotionally abusive, physically abusive, mentally abusive to me forever. Not at all to two siblings who think i am making it up!

No contact with mother for nearly 9 years, although saw her at a funeral last year. So me back in therapy as i was very upset at seeing her and couldnt deal with it. Was shaking in her presence, fear of violence/outrage/vitriol from her. It was awful

Therapist said that she thinks i would find a way to be in the same room as her without being frightened. I think therapist was being a bit odd, her suggesting that at some point i wouldn't be afraid of a woman who had made my life a sheer hell for 20 years.

Is there a magic way if being vaguely not petrified of someone who abused you for years? I will never ever see my mother again so I am not looking for the actual answer, but am wondering if it is ever possible? I would think it is not possible for any victim of an abusive relationship? but I can't get a clear/logical perspective on it. Thanks

Hi OP, sorry for what you've been through, and your recent traumatizing experience. It can feel like being victimized all over again to just be near an abuser.

Perhaps what your therapist is getting at is that, as long as you revert to the fears you felt as a child whenever you are in the same room as your mother, then that means she still has control over you. The goal she is probably aiming at for you is emotional detachment: no longer feeling fear around your mother. You being in control of your emotions wrt your mother.

Going no contact is what you have chosen, and you have every right to do that. However, going no contact is not a replacement for emotionally detaching, which can (and should, I think, for your emotional wellbeing) be done whether or not you will ever see the abuser again.

To answer your question: yes it is possible for victims of abuse to detach and eventually feel very little (or be able to control their feelings) when in the presence of their abuser. It is not a given, though, and can take a lot of time and hard work. It's great that you have a counsellor, as she can help you through that hard work.

Good luck. I hope you find peace.

Maybe the advice of this psychotherapist, specializing in adult survivors of childhood abuse, can help.

Thank you you two :). I am not seeing the counsellor any more as i felt i was just repeating myself and my woes, and seeing as i do not have any contact with my mother any more i felt i was getting over it. Yet i still have terrible nightmares about her (my mother, not my counsellor!)

Tahnk you agaih for your replies ... Will read that link you posted. Thanks.

I don't feel any fear around my mother because she cannot hurt me anymore. I think that once you are out of an abusive relationship it is just the psychological aspect of power and control that you have to 'reason' your way out of. I did doubt for a long time whetherr it was abuse,but i have worked through that, it has taken me about 15 years as an adult to do this.

I have had the opportunity to confront her and she treated my sibling exactly the same, except that she got to go and live with my GM, lucky enough my father went to prison for some of what was done, so at least she couldn't deny everything.

As part of training for my job i had to learn alot about the whole subject of abusive behaviour etc and i did a counselling qualification, this helped. I stupidly stayed in touch with my mother and she is a changed person, i tolerate her because my children had a relationship with her when they were smaller. I will never forgive her and i have detached from her emotionally.