Negative people

[redwineandchocolate]

Hi everyone. My problem is a fairly minor one, but it is that every time I see my boyfriend's mother, I come away feeling anxious and so drained. I'm generally a really happy person but she is SUCH a very negative person that I find her bringing me down all the time. Nothing I say can make her happy- everything anyone does, except for her own children, just makes her tut, or give a shocked gasp. If I have a glass of wine in my own house, she gasps and tuts. If I make a joke, she tuts and frowns. While she's never been really nasty to me, it's the constant negative comments about everything that get me down - anything you tell her, such as about a holiday, a plan for the future, or a friend, will get twisted around into a negative. 'Oh you're going away in August... that's a shame' etc - the nicest things will be turned into negatives.

A family member who I have always been very close to has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer - at least locally advanced - and I told her this today. She said, 'oh, that's sad' but then proceeded to complain about having to drive an extra ten miles out of her way to pick up her daughter later, without drawing breath - I was quite shocked. It's like she can give no sympathy and support to anyone else but expects complete understanding about the most minor problems of her own. She SIGHS about everything - when offered a drink, she will just sigh, or tut. It's so bizarre to me as I am usually a very friendly, outgoing person, and she just completely drains me of energy. After a week staying with her I feel like a different person. I do try to be happy and friendly all the time and get absolutely nothing back - she never, ever asks me a question, and only talks about herself or her children. She just seems so self-centred sometimes.

OK so basically - I don't want any confrontation with this woman and don't have to see her too often - though when I do it's for a few days at a time.

However I just wondered if anyone had any tips on how to deal with a negative person and to stop it from bringing me down. She's not a horrible woman, but the constant pessimism is really hard to deal with. Sorry if I've given really sketchy details and I sound like I'm overreacting -- I don't think I am, but the negativity is so often it's hard to think of many specific examples.

Oh dear - I can well understand. She seems to be set on 'sigh' mode most of the time! I wonder if she might be depressed but also how old she is? My mother is getting a little like this and moaning all the time.

The way to deal with it? I tease my mother when she tells me yet another story about a friend of a friend's cousins aunt's sister's wife who is really going through a bad time. If I am with someone who is negative but I don't feel able to tease or challenge, I just go over the top in positivity. You have to be very thick-skinned. If she tuts when you have a drink, say 'cheers' and talk about the medical evidence of one glass doing good. Compliment her on...well anything....she is self-involved so make her feel special.

A week is too long to stay with her....make sure you have plenty of plans or take her out with other people and distractions.

Sorry no advice, but watching with interest as you just described my father in law

You aren't overreacting at all. I wonder, is she just a negative person generally or do you feel that her negativity is directed at you?

I know negative and positive people.

The negative secretly make me laugh, as in blimey, here she/he goes again.

The positive also secretly make me laugh and think, hang on, have you thought this through?

Just stay inbetween.

It seems that you are doing all the work here. She is enjoying the power and the harder you try the more she will sigh and tut and refuse to allow you any of the rewards of a relationship. I think you should back right off. Don't try to get her approval, ignore the sighing and tutting, don't smile or try to cajole her.

This behaviour is manipilative and controlling and keeps you constantly on edge and trying to please. There IS no pleasing a woman like this but she is more likely to modify her behaviour if she is not getting any reward for it.

Hi! I've been reading a bit recently about any relationship in our lives being a mirror of ourselves here is an example.

Although I find it hard at times to get my head round when I'm in the throws of talking to peole like your DP's mother......

The best way to deal with it is to detach: stop caring. She is a rigid thinker who is spectacularly lacking in empathy, and she is unlikely to change. Ignore, ignore, ignore, and when you really can't ignore, state YOUR feelings on what she has just said or done ONCE, and then drop it. Leave the room if need be.

Lucky you that you don't have to see her too often. Keep it that way!

Negative people! They're not happy until they've wrung every last drop of kindness, goodwill, patience, joy and pleasure out of you.

Smile or laugh even.

? As Punk says, try 'Cheers' and 'A little of what you fancy does you good. You should try it sometime'