I sometimes think I would be much happier on my own...

[TrippleBerryFairy]

This will probably be a lot of nonsense... but I will put it out here anyways, even if nobody reads it.

I have a lot of anger towards DP. I hate him sometimes actually. Like today. Last night we agreed that I will have a lie in and he will get up with DS (2.5). Morning comes, 5.30 DS crawls into our bed - i play with him a little them nudge DP to get up as agreed. 'Ok'. 10 mins later I nudge him again - he then gets upset but gets up with a twisted face and takes DS downstairs. I get 1 hour lie in, then when I go downstairs DP does not talk to me, suffering expression on his face. I take over and he goes to bed and he is just getting up after 4 hour nap. I hate him. This scenario happens a lot-we agree that I will get a lie in and then in the morning he gets all angry for how I dare to wake him up! I hate him.

We both work full time, I do 5 days in 4 so that I can spend 1 at home with DS. He works full time as well. I do all the laundry, all the cleaning and lately all the washing up as well - no matter who has been cooking (mostly me). we used to have a rule that if one of us cooks the other washes up and he was keen to remind it when he used to do cooking but now that he barely does it anymore washing up is all my responsibility.

A few times I felt I had enough and stopped sorting out his laundry - I would just dump it on his bedside and he got all upset and angry about it. According to him, the fact that he occasionally does some DYI (at the moment the bathroom) is equivalent to me doing all our laundry week in week out. He used to stuff the laundry machine sometimes but has never done a full cycle e.g. wash, hang, sort out, put away.

I despise him for never wants to go for e.g. a walk at the weekend. We spoke about it some time ago and he said that's because I never offer. So I started offering - 'come on, lets all go, it's sunny outside' but I always get no for an answer. He'd rather sit in front of tv.

He works hard, earns good money (one of the reasons I am still here with him) but I very often feel like he always thinks he does more, earns more therefore in his view it's only right that I do all the chores.

He works at weekends too, ususally he has DS on Sat morning and perhaps 2-3 hours on Sun, rest of the time I'm in charge, he is in his office. I hate it. I think that while he works hard he also uses it as an excuse to hide and be able to just lazy about.

On top of all that, not only he does not do chores but he also constantly reminds me that I should be helping him (basically be his bookkeeper). This drives me insane. I don't mind the idea per se, but put this request in the whole picture and I hate him.

I had a miscarriage last week but he doesn't even mention it anymore. Some time ago we were considering if I should go part time as I find the current set up tiring but then just after the MC he came out with all these ideas how we could generate some additional work/income which would mean me working more. He was excited and I was furious.

We haven't got much to talk about apart from work (same field). I come home having done 10hrs and driven 2.5hrs per day and he gets upset if I don't want to listen to workstuff anymore (he works from home atm).

Some days he has to go on site and then I feel a relief (sounds horrible isnt it). I would love if he was away for a weekend - I would still have to look after DS by myself but I wouldn't have to see him spending days in his office or sleeping like today. I would be so much happier I think...

I feel like a bitch for thinking like this sometimes but then I just don't feel he can give me what I need emotionally or physically.

That's all...

I sometimes browse adds for properties for rent, just to see what I could afford... Things would be a bit tight but I would be fine...

You are not a bitch. I'm so sorry about your MC. It's such a hard thing to get over even with the best support. Be kind to yourself.

It sounds as though an awful lot is put on your shoulders and that is hard. Do you think your DH might be depressed? It seems as though he has a lack of get up and go about him or has he always been this way?

You're not a bitch. He's an arse. Stop doing stuff for him. Don't make a fuss about it, just stop. You're not his skivvy.

You're not a bitch. I'd feel the same in your position. Apart from the money you must wonder what the point of him is, he just creates extra housework really. I'm so sorry to hear about your mc, his blase attitude toward that must be really difficult for you. Does he know how desperate you feel?

Fuzzy, I don't think he is depressed, I just fail to convince him that he should be doing any of the household chores. In fact he thinks he does quite a lot so maybe I am a nutter here? You know it's always easy for him to point out to DYI which he has done, e.g. new shed which is there as an evidence. I have no evidence, house is a mess and there's a pile of laundry all. the. time.

I do feel like there's a lot on my shoulders. On working days I get up at 5.30 and come back home collecting DS on my way at 6.30. Then some 4 days out of 7 I put DS to sleep and it's only then when I can have some time for myself. It's 8.30 - 9pm by then and in order to get up the next day I need to go to bed by 10... so there's no time there (there's always toys that need to be picked up, dishes that need to be done, spare clothes to be put together for DS going to childminders etc...)

Now I am tough and not weak but I think I could deal with such rythm much better if I could get rid of the anger. DP is the cause of it so I either need to get rid of him or go to get counselling and sort myself out (in my spare time..)

Maybe he needs a sharp wake up call then? Sit him down, tell him what you've just told us and that you are thinking of leaving. If that doesn't change him then you know your answer I think.

neuroticmum, he was away when MC happened, he was really upset as well, but now acts as if that happened 10 years ago. I am fine as I was ~5 weeks so it's easier than it happening when a baby is more developed I guess...

I just feel there's little connection between us, I go to bed early, he stays working/watching tv late so it's like living with a roommate. It's also infuriating that he expects me to help him with bookkeeping when all my talks/demands/screams seem to be falling on deaf ears...

You're not a bitch. You're being stretched beyond your limits and until you have a breakdown he won't realise how unhappy you are. That's what happened to me anyway. After my suicidal breakdown DH became a different person. Supportive, helpful, non critical, understanding. Trouble is I honestly don't think he would have changed if I hadn't reached the point where I was so tired and depressed that I was suicidal.

I could have written your post myself OP. I genuinely would have been better off as a single parent, I often used to think at least I'd get some time to myself while DH had DS overnight or even for a few hours. The wake up call for me/us, was me having an affair. Not something I'm proud of and didn't make the immediate situation better but prompted us to go for counselling where all of my resentment and anger came pouring out. Things now couldn't be better, 5 years on, and DH sometimes talks about that awful time in terms of what a selfish twat he can now see that he was.

I think you need to do as fuzzy suggests... Sit him down and tell him you're thinking of leaving, you've been looking at properties for rent. Would either of you consider counselling?

Many years ago, I was in a similar relationship. We separated, and eventually we agreed to 'try' at weekends. After 2 weekends, with him asleep still on Sunday mornings and nothing changed, I finally gave up.
Give him the ultimatum, but if no change, you have to keep it.
He's just not committed enough and not listening.

Jamine, I had a few breakdowns... Now as bad as yours but not very nice nonetheless... He does change for a little while, we start talking but then as things go back to normal we start drifiting apart and everything reverts back to how it was before. It's amazing that your DH managed to change so much. Did you actually do counselling or it just sank in for him how bad the situation was for you?

I seriously threatened to leave him before and he suggested counselling - something along the lines that he will go if I want him to. Which to me just suggests that he thinks it's ME who needs counselling not US but he will gracefully and supportively be there for me if I want him to.

TooEasilyTempted - I totally understand why you had the affair... Can I ask how old was your DS when all that happened? How long did you have the counselling for?

Hi Mozarela, My DS was 2-3 at the time. I think the first couple of years with a new baby/toddler are a tough time anyway, DH was setting up his own business so was always "working" even though to me a lot of the time it looked like a good excuse to sit on his arse on the laptop all evening and weekends, doing naff all to help me and ignoring our DS. I wanted another child too but realised it would make a bad situation worse and so I held a lot of resentment towards DH for "depriving" me of a second child by being such a useless husband and father. Not that by then having an affair I was a particularly great mother and wife, I can see that now but at the time I was so swamped with resentment and blinded by sheer anger and hatred towards my DH. There was a similar incident to what you have described with your miscarriage (and I'm really sorry to hear about that) where it happened on the Thursday/Friday and that weekend it was just "business as usual" at home, I was expecting to maybe be given a lie in, a cup of tea in bed, take it easy for a few days but no, I was up at 6am with DS while DH slept in until mid morning, no kind or caring words or gestures, no "you relax, I'll cook dinner", nothing.

We went to Relate for 3 sessions I think. Tbh the counsellor wasn't great but got us started on talking through some issues. We'd bought a few books that they recommended and decided after a few sessions that the £45 a session was better spent on a babysitter and a couple of hours each week having a meal out together and talking and doing some of the exercises recommended in the books and by the counsellor. It was a long haul, things weren't great for at least a year after he found out about the affair but he was desperate to make things work, (I was quite ambivalent about it tbh) and he made big big changes and so gradually things improved.

Thank you TooEasilyTempted. The way you were is EXACTLY how we are at the moment, down to fine details.

I do think we will end up in counselling sooner or later. It's just way too unhealthy at the moment and has been for a while...

I know this isn't the main issue here (i.e. your h is a lazy arse) but if you'd agreed it was your lie-in this morning, what on earth were you doing going downstairs at 6.40 after just one hour? Why not stay put for the four hours that he subsequently took?

I think you should suggest a trial separation to him, although I don't know how the logistics of that would work for you. I'd despise him too for that carry on about the lie-in... how bloody hard is it just to take turns and be serious about it and get up with the child? That on its own I'd be furious about. He needs a wake-up call.

Clam obviously I can't speak for the OP but in my case I was usually seething that I'd already been awake (woken by our DS) for an hour while my DH ignored both DS and my prodding him telling him to get up, clearly hoping that I'd get up anyway. That plus seething about the fact that DH had finally gotten up with a shitty face on, clearly pissed off that he was having to get up even though it was his 'turn' is hardly conducive to a nice relaxing lie in!

TooEasilyTempted - it's like we have the same man... It's exactly that - DS wakes me up, then I initially try to gently wake up DP reminding him it's his turn but he only gets up when I lose it. Shitty face - oh yes, that's always on on 'his' mornings. On top of that DS usually asks for 'mummy go downstairs' (no wonder having in mind how 'much' time DP dedicates to him!) so I go to have a cup of tea and then try to quietly sneak off back to bed.

It has never happened that DP just wakes up after I remind him, a 'lie in' means I can try to go back to bed and sleep after an hour or so after being woken up. Which sometimes is not possible because I am seething!

Helltotheno - proper trial separation would not really work as I don't have parents around where I could stay for a few weeks or so, they are in a different country. Also, he would not agree to that as on a few occassions I have moved out to a spare bedroom and that triggered some major showdowns. In fact I have moved out today and he noticed already so I am bracing myself for another showdown in the evening. Perhaps I should just say that I need some distance and good night sleep as it doesn't help when he comes to bed at midnight, occasionally even flips his bedside lamp on or sits in bed with the laptop for a while.

I will suggest counselling but perhaps I am making a mountain out of a molehill and this is not worth it... I know it probably is worth it but I doubt myself especially as he claims he does a lot around the house... I might have to start a diary (as pitty as it saounds!) so that I can actually see what both of us do...

Thank you for talking to me btw.

Starting a journal sounds an excellent idea as you have lost confidence. Perhaps you need to see the data in writing before you believe yourself, iykwim. You're not being unreasonable. He's being a selfish git ... and treating you like an inadequate personal servant!

Also have a look here.

I'd like you to look at this book: Games People Play by Eric Berne. In your OP, you say "I hate him" a lot and that's the sort of thing children say about an unhelpful parent. It makes me think that, somehow, your marriage has turned into a sort of parenting scenario, where he's the grumpy Parent to your resentful Child - and you parent him in turn, doing his washing & cooking and waking him up gently (why??), giving him a turn as resentful Child. That sort of dynamic can often be changed by one player simply acting a different part. (You probably need to see the book to get that ...!)

I find that, when somebody has wriggled themselves into a state of high 'entitlement' as he has, it's very hard to shift them. Assertive techniques may work - it's worth a try, anyway. If nothing else, they'll stand you in good stead for the rest of your life. Too often, sad to say, it takes a massive shock to really shift things. So, in your case, it's got to be worth checking out your options for real. You can do that while working on your relationship dynamics; as you gain confidence, you'll also be in a stronger position to tell him where to get off.

Good luck!

Thanks garlic, the book sounded interesting and it's on it's way:)

Yes, I have noticed that our relationship has some patterns such as we both tend to feel that the other party should be 'taking care' and nurturing. Rightly or wrongly I tend to believe that I give more than I get and hence I do really hate him sometimes as I don't just want to be a giver all the time. And why should I, it's enough I 'give' to DS, DP is not entitled to the same unconditional love (unfortunately for him!). I'm sure the book will make an interesting read.