Please tell me what to do

[LalasMama]

"D"P and I have been together since I was 16. I am now 21, he is 26. He was a mess when i met him. Was drinking every night of the week and making a complete idiot of himself (and me). I dont know why I stayed with him to be honest. He eventually calmed down a bit and we now have 2 DC (7m and 22m). Neither were planned.

He is slowly creeping back to his old ways. He drinks most weekends. Problem is, once he starts drinking, he doesnt know when to stop. Last night we had friends over for a chinese and a couple of drinks (literally a couple - we had the DC in the house). He took it was too far and ended up drinking a litre of vodka and god knows what else. Once guests left at midnight, he ran off down the street (in his slippers) and didnt return until 7am. Now he has disappeared again and i doubt i'll see him again until bedtime.

This is happening at least once a month. Its driving me crazy.

I have been a SAHM since having DC1 and recently returned to work full time. I had DC1 when i was 19 and ended up losing touch with all my friends. So for 2 years, my only company has been DP. Now I am making friends in work and having the odd night out with them, he is getting very jealous. Its driving me crazy.

Things havent been right for ages. I dont think im in love with him anymore and I feel I got myself into too much, too young. I love my babies more than air and want whats best for them. I think, deep down, that its the end of the road for me and DP. Im exhausted from his games and jealousy. But am I giving up too soon?

You're 21 - don't waste the rest of your life with him, he's had over a quarter of your life already. He's treating you horribly, get out while you can.

No you aren't giving up too soon, you know what he is like, if you don't get out soon you will grow to hate him, and for the sake of your children that is not good. YOu will have this man in your life until the day you die, the least your can do is try to do it amicably.

Agree with alouisee
I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be leaving him in charge if the kids while you're out when he's so unpredictable - I mean where on earth was he all night?! Asleep in the gutter? At a club? Being unfaithful?

A person that can't stop drinking once they start has an alcohol problem, it won't go away. I think you need to have a very good talk and see if he's willing to change. Don't invest all your energy on him and make sure you create good friendships outside of you and him. I'm not sure if you love him, two small children is tough and can dilute how partners feel about eachother, love is not always constant. Perhaps talk to him and give yourself a mental idea of your own timescale and rethink. I think you have a duty to your children to try and talk him into wanting to improve, but ultimately you owe it to yourself to be happy.

I don't know where he was. I know he'd never be unfaithful. But it does make we wonder sometimes. I never leave both kids with him. Not even for an hour. He has the eldest and my dad usually has the youngest of I go out. He doesn't cope well with them. I know I have to get out now. There is just so much to consider. We have a mortgage. He bought the house before we met and I went on the mortgage 6 months ago. I don't want the house or anything from him. My parents broke up when I was 5 and it was awful and I don't want to put my babies through that If I can avoid it.

Alternatively separating may give him a kick up the arse and you can decide later whether to give him a chance or if you're better off without him.
Did you lose all of your friends because of your relationship or because he forced it?

You are entitled to half the house, unless you want to stay there and he'd have to support you and the children for eighteen years.

We have spoken about his drinking many times. He refuses to believe that he has a problem. I know he has. My stepfather is an alcoholic and this is how it started with him. I have tried so many times. He says he will give up drinking for the family and it lasts a few weeks. I just feel so drained from it all.

That's why if you leave now, it'll be less traumatic for DC than if you wait another few years when they will be more aware of things going on around them.

And I don't think you owe it to your DC to try and talk him into wanting to improve - he owes it to his DCs to behave like a responsible adult, which he chooses not to do. You're not his mother.

Honestly, don't waste your life.

I would suggest asking him to leave. He has a problem with alcohol and that should be addressed. But not whilst with you.

Once he has left he can access help for that and try and get himself straight. As and when that happens you can consider your options again with a view to taking him back if that is what you want.

But you don't need to put up with such behaviour and i seriously doubt that it is doing any good to your children either.

He didnt force me to lose my friends. I had planned on going to uni but got pregnant a month before I was due to start. My friends all moved away and relationships fizzled out. I really don't want the house. It is the one thing he has worked for and he has transformed it and I couldn't take it from him. I would move in with my mum until I was in a position to start again and rent.

It's more awful for your children to be brought up with a useless alcoholic for a Father than by a Mother on her own.

I'm actually not a "leave the bastard" poster but I don't see any point in continuing a relationship with a man who can't even look after his own children, isn't reliable and is an alcoholic.

If you look at the pros and cons the only pro he has happens to be being the children's biological Father, other than that it's all cons.

You are 21, that's incredibly young, most people these days are just leaving education. You are a mother to two little children, you don't need to be his unpaid carer as well.

In that case OP I think you have your answer. Don't be a hero about assets, your children deserve it too.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Where do you see yourself re him in say a year's time. You're 21; far too young to be chucking your life away on some drunkard.

You talk about giving up (on him?) but this relationship has been dead and buried for a long time now so there is nothing really to give up on. BTW you are not responsible for him even though you perhaps think you are. You need to escape the codependency you're enmeshed in. You're as caught up in his alcohol problem as he is.

I think you stayed with this man for a number of reasons; you fell for the first man who showed you some interest, you thought you could save or rescue him, you were 16 and thus naive and had no life experience behind you, for the children (never a good idea btw). Now you are his enabler but enabling him as you have done neither helps him or you and only gives you a false sense of control.

You cannot act as a saviour or rescuer in a relationship, it just does not work.

You cannot change someone with a drink problem and you can only help your own self here. I would be talking to Al-anon in your circumstances as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

This is no life for either you or your children to be witnessing or to be a part of.
They are learning about relationships from the two of you, what do you want to teach them about relationships?. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to them.

Make your house an alcohol free one and I would also urge you not to drink alcohol with him as that behaviour also enables him.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

I note too your stepfather has alcohol problems; not totally surprised therefore that you went onto choose a partner with the same sort of issues:(.

This will not end well for any of you if you choose to stay with such a man.

Meerkat, what you say makes sense 100%.
Just heard he is down the pub. Will leave him there and when he wants to return I will end this once and for all. My babies deserve better.

Be careful OP. I would end it when he's sober or whilst he's not there. Could you not just go to your Mum's?

My mum is away until wednesday and I don't have a key to get in. He usually goes to his mums after he does this sort of thing and then comes back when he's sober

His mum just text me, hes just arrived at his mums and is sleeping it off. I expect he will return in the morning before work

At the age of 26 he should know better by now. It sounds like you know deep down that you have outgrown him. Staying with him isn't necessarily the best thing for your children either. Be strong and have faith in yourself. You don't have to be with him for the rest of your life.

Just be sure when you end the relationship it is a final break. He may try and turn his life around in the short term to win you back, but be very careful as this could take you right back to where you are now.

Leave for all of you, may give him the shock he needs may not but its better than where you are now. You can still go to uni, lots have places to stay for students with children and yours are still young enough to move before tied to schools etc.