What do you do if one of you wants to get married and the other doesn't?

[RitaMorgan]

Anyone else been in this situation? How did you move past it?

I've been with my lovely partner for almost 20 years, and hate the idea of marrying - I adore him and am utterly committed to him in every way, and we're having a baby in the spring, but marriage is ideologically abhorrent to me. However, my partner has changed his mind, and gradually become more vocal about really wanting to marry me, and - as it also ties up some legal loose ends more easily than by other means as well as obviously meaning a lot to him - I've agreed to it, reluctantly, with the proviso we do it with just the two of us, and not tell anyone.

I say this just because I am the marriage refusenik in our relationship, and it doesn't mean I love him any less. In fact, I couldn't be happier with him, or more committed to him - I simply hate the idea of marriage as an institution. It has nothing to do with niggling doubts, lack of love etc.

I didn't say that 2rebecca. I said it's emotional blackmail to threaten to leave unless someone marries you - which is very different.

As for being churlish and unkind - being unmarried is very important to me, and I actively disagree with many of the principles of marriage - the main underpinning being I would never and could never promise to love someone or be with them for life, I find the concept fraudulent when applied to my own life and experiences. You could force me to say the words but you couldn't force me to mean them. I don't think it churlish to refuse to gather my friends and family to witness a lie or unkind to treat my partner with a little more respect than that.

If my first husband had refused to marry me I would have left him though, threatened to leave and then left if he didn't change his mind. That's what a deal breaker is, something that is important enough for you to threaten to leave the relationship and then leave unless you get what you want out of it.
If a person isn't happy in a relationship and threatens to leave it isn't emotional blackmail, just them stating clearly that for them this relationship isn't working and they feel strongly enough to leave unless something changes.

Marriage has become too much of a risk. My son and his group of late twenty (male) friends - largely gregarious, attractive, and likely to do well - have all decided never to marry. They have witnessed the heartache of marriage break up in their own, and their friend's, families and, sadly in my opinion, have vowed not to risk it. They may change their minds over time I suppose but this already caused the break up of at least one relationship. I think we are seeing the end of marriage as we understand it. Maybe it would be better to be realistic and have a union contract with an enforceable "pre nuptual" (for want of a better term) agreement that prescribes the terms of separation. Not very romantic I know but a lot more practical.

Surely a long term partnership breaking up, involving children, house ownership, pets et al, has just as much heartache and hassle as a marriage break up? Seems like a very pretty stupid reason not to marry, I'd laugh at anyone giving that reason as an excuse because it's nonsensical.

FWIW, my DD is 22, her BF is 24, they will definitely marry before starting a family, so it's not an age issue at all.

Some just don't want to be married and you can tie up a lot of legal stuff yourself with a solicitor and wills.

Maybe it depends on whether he doesn't want marriage or doesn't want a wedding. DP doesn't want a wedding (he hates formal occasions) but he is bloody well going to have one. When we talk to friends about it the clod will say things like "it makes financial and legal sense" making me feel like the luckiest gal in the world...

He does, however, plan to spend his life with me and has always said he would not be with me if he didn't.

I'm in the 'well, you just keep saying no' camp .

You have to get to the bottom of whether he just doesn't want to get married or he just doesn't want to marry you I guess.

Depends how important it is to the person wanting it.

Goes one of two ways in my experience. If the person who says "marriage is a meaningless piece of paper" really loves the other person and knows that marriage is meaningful to that person, they will get married for the sake of the other person. If they keep protesting "I don't believe in marriage" and stick to it, then 5 years down the line they will be married - to someone else. Consistently saying "I don't believe in marriage" is shorthand for "I don't want to be married to you". (NB, 3 out of the 5 couples I'm thinking of, it was the woman who was reluctant to marry, so it's not a male-female thing in my experience. In 2 the "marriage is meaningless" partner came round - 1 male, 1 female, and in the other 3, all of the "marriage is meaningless" partners - 1 male, 2 female- married someone else after the original relationship split).

I wouldn't want to marry someone who had to be persuaded into it. Unless it comes from them, and they really want to, I would rather not.

....or you stay together, not married. As in my experience, Lurcio.

Yep, in mine too. Mr Inferior frequently suggests a spot of matrimony. I turn him down and life continues as before.

Good day everyone,
Quite recently I have been thinking a LOT about marriage; think it is possibly something to do with the fact that relatives, friends, even people I don't know ask that question....."when are you getting married?". Just to point out, I am in a stable relationship with my other half for 3 years now but the problem is that I NEVER want to marry, my boyfriend would like to. We have talked about this, he knows my viewpoints on marriage but as he pointed out last night that he would be upset if I turned him down. After reading a good few blogs, posts etc on the subject I cannot believe how many people who have waited for their partners to propose after 5, 6 even 10 years would be prepared to leave their other half because their partners didn't want to marry. Why do people think like this? It baffles me!!

I get the feeling that some people look upon people that don't want to get married as not committed and would be looking for an easy way out if they freely wanted to. Would find this greatly offensive if that would be the case, you would not find anyone more committed and certainly does not look for an easy way out and I'm sure this goes for a lot of people out there who feels the same way.

If marriage/ relationships are about trust, is the act of marriage distrustful in its self? What I mean by this is, is that the 'contract' imposes rules that one should not be unfaithful, it's harder to get out of, does that not imply to a certain degree 'distrust'. Why do you need those rules if you trust your partner completely anyway?! Don't think I have made that very clear but maybe someone will understand. Does anyone have any views on this if they understand what I mean that is? ;).

There is also and what a lot of people do not look in to, is the history of marriage its self; it was a contract to prove that a child was theirs( for a man), the women were merely property, there to look after man's needs, nothing much about love in there. Marriage is an outdated tradition, though, that is my opinion and I fully respect other people's choices that they make.

I plan on living a long and happy life with my partner (without marriage), well, that's if he doesn't dump me for someone who does want to get married. Though, I trust him not to do that, that's an unwritten marriage contract right there.

Anyways, I could go on and on and have written well over my quota for the day and hope someone could give me some advice on how to deal with how to handle a situation like this?

I wish everyone good luck in whatever form their relationships take, married or not.

Good day x

Hi there,

I think that is a little unfair to say that, "I do not believe in marriage is short hand for saying I do not want to get married to you". 'Who' made up these rules?

Surely a long term partnership breaking up, involving children, house ownership, pets et al, has just as much heartache and hassle as a marriage break up?

This may be the case, but the woman is in a less secure position financially etc than if she is married.

I have a friend who had kids with her live-in partner, who had been married before. To be fair, his exw sounded like a witch and took him to the cleaners. They had no kids together, but she had a son from a previous marriage, who he took on and put through an expensive public school, before and after the marriage ended.

He was adamant he would never marry again. My friend really wanted to marry him, I think, and she bought herself two rings that she wore on her 'wedding' finger.

Fast forward a decade and he had an affair and very quickly married the OW, with the full-on country wedding, pretty village church, engraved invitations and wedding list at Peter Jones.

My friend has really struggled to move on and is still bitter, angry and sad two years later.

Oh, and my friend still doesn't have a financial settlement. She was a sahm and hasn't worked for ages. Now she is a single mum. She is dependent on her exdp's goodwill to stay afloat and feels very insecure. And now she has to stomach her dc spending time with ex and his new wife, who was screwing him behind her back, knowing all about his family.

My DH didnt want to marry on moral/ principle-type grounds - didnt believe in the institution etc. I wasnt fussed either way until we had kids, and then it suddenly became very important to me that we were married. I wanted a ceremony and vow of commitment. I wanted above board legal arrangements for our finances and lives together. And yes, I wanted the social standing of saying 'my husband' and of people understanding fully what we had entered into as a couple.

It caused rows and some heartache and t did become a deal breaker to me. I couldnt understand how his vague ideas about marriage being outdated were more important than my feelings, but on the other hand, I didnt want to buly him into marriage.

Eventually we did agree to marry. He came around to thinking it would be a good thing for ur children and that the idea of a ceremony was actually a lovely, romantic thing to do. We had a small wedding, no bridezilla nonsense. Andit HAS changed things, actually. I think we BOTH feel a sense of secuirty and comfort we didnt necessarily know was missing before.

Freckles, are you aware that you have resurrected a thread that is 8 months old?

fwiw, I share your opinions on marriage. It is certainly unfair to say that not believing in marriage is churlish or short hand for not wanting to marry that person as falsely assumed by a couple of posters.

My anti marriage opinions are political and ideological. I dislike formal celebrations, traditions for the sake of tradition, I think turning love; something free and natural and personal and voluntarily involving it with the law and state and money and financial implications completely absurd. A tradition as you say that implies ownership. Promises of love that you can never predict you will keep. I prefer to spend my money enjoying life with my partner and child, and the idea of saving up for years and potentially being put in debt to pay for wasteful decorations for a public ceremony something that doesn't suit me. I have also always cringed at wedding dresses/first dances/speeches etc. If my partner really wanted to get married I don't think it's fair that I should be expected to give up my ideologies and do something I'm uncomfortable with for the sake of a tradition I don't believe in. Luckily my current partner shares my opinions.

If someone doesn't Love you enough to marry you,why hang around.Life is
just too short to waste time "Wishin and Hopen" and growing Older every day.
If you have hooked up with a"Waffler", It's High time you Wed-or be Quits
with him.

I was the one who wasn't keen on marriage in my relationship, DH and I discussed it many times and I made it clear that I wasn't interested, but he was. I think it's worth thinking about what bothers your DP so much about marriage, and what you can do to address those concerns.

For me, it was partly about the financial side (had a dd from previous rl and would lose tax credits etc once I married DH), partly about the whole wedding ceremony (don't like being the centre of attention) and partly losing independence. I found it hard to adapt to marriage and living with another adult (we only lived together after marriage), but DH has been really good with dealing with my worries, he made it clear we'd both have free access to finances, a low-key ceremony, both have free time/space to ourselves etc.

I am still not too bothered about being married (kept my maiden name, skipped all the bridezilla stuff) but I'm glad I did it, mainly because it meant so much to DH and partly because of all the legal/financial issues. I think it's not too much to expect the person who is not keen on marriage to get married to make the other partner feel more secure, even if it doesn't mean that much to them.

I don't agree with posters who think that not wanting to get married shows lack of commitment, I've got friends who adore their partners and are hugely loyal but feel strongly against marriage.

OP, I think that in order to resolve this, you need to be crystal clear with yourself and your partner about what you feel you'd get out of marriage - is it legal security? a sense of feeling respected in the eyes of the world? Are there other ways to safeguard these needs?

On his side, your partner needs to be crystal clear about what he feels he'd lose by it - you say he disagrees with the 'institution' of marriage, but he could choose to see it as a simple legal agreement too. What's at stake for him? You could even go to a counsellor to talk this through.

It might be that your disagreement is basically a semantic one - you don't get what the other one is 'saying' by marrying or not marrying.

It could of course be a commitment issue on his side, but not necessarily!

Hi Dave, ha, yes, I am aware that this is an old thread but one that is open to being opened once more and it would be interesting to find out if anyones opinions have changed over the last 8 months. Can I ask, what is fwiw? Gathering from a lot of posts, having conversations with people, marriage really does not have a lot to do with love but more about security and fear of losing that security as much as people would like to argue against it. Covering it up with the word 'love', why don't people just admit it and call it what it really is about, 'survival'. I am not saying that this applies to everyone and sure there are many people who do marry out of love but I also believe there is people out there doing it for 'security' or even both. Nothing wrong with trying to 'survive' either, we are conditioned for it but some people should not try to cover it up either.

Totally agree with your thread and as for people marrying another to keep them happy and giving up on your own ideologies is completely wrong, but if they love you they should not force anything upon you.

Humans are the only species in the world that do not know what they are supposed to be doing, some people make complications for themselves by testing others loyalty, creating drama where they really shouldnt be and then fight because they do not get what they 'want'. Be happy that someone loves you and don't test that loyalty, if someone wants to stay they will, whether you sign a 'contract' or not. If they want to leave, let them and move on, it's the way of the world, things change, people change.

Why does marriage even exist? Why don't people concentrate on what is real instead of something that is fabricated?

Freckles marriage exists because historically it was a way to make sure men took responsibility for their children in a world where there was no contraception and women were economically handicapped by producing a succession of children.

Women historically had to aspire to marriage for their own security and future.

It was also a way to keep wealth within families, in a society where women were chattels. That they were chattels also a consequence of their lack of economic significance. It is only in the modern world where we have different expectations of romantic relationships, are able to choose whether, where and how we work, have some degree of social mobility etc, that marriage is seen as a choice, and something that is primarily the cementing of romantic love.

A better question might be 'why does marriage exist in the twenty first century'?