Feeling so low right now.

[separated]

Would love to be cheered up a bit.
Separated emotionally in December. Still both in house with our teenaged children. House was valued today ready to sell. Daughter at sleepover. Husband has taken son out for meal and cinema.
I am home alone. I do have friends but it was too late to arrange anything.
History of domestic violence so I know this split will be good for me but...
Please give me some encouragement. Thank you.

Good morning separated I hope you have things around you today to keep you occupied and take you mind off of the loneliness you were feeling yesterday. I know how it feels to have someone come in to your home to value it for divorce purposes , when it happend to me I found it very difficult to speak to the man. If you feel down again ,we are good listeners and here for you. I have to go into work now until 7 pm so I will get to see lots of faces . Best wishes.

Yes, I can't wait until my life has changed. In my head I am champing at the bit; I just have all of this horrible stuff to get through first!
I am still in my bedroom fbf. Husband seems to spend most of his time camped out in the kitchen. And I can't stand that the most conversation I will get is 'hello' and I will reply, then there'll be a stony silence.
I did have snacks in my room for when I can't face going downstairs but I put them in the boot of my car because of the viewing.
Maybe I will shower, dress and go out.
When husband and son came home last night my son came in to see me and gave me a lovely hug and told me all about their meal and the film they watched. I was genuinely pleased that they had had a good time. Some time later my husband walked past the door of the living room to go up to bed and I was praying that he would just walk straight past and not come hm. He didn't come in. We are strangers tied in, for financial reasons, to a property. It's a living hell.

Hey Separated. Just wanted to say im thinking of you and hoping you are ok today, Having the house valued must have been horrid but try to think of it as a step in the right direction...a release from this limbo...

wishing you lots of strength x

Thank you.
It was too hard to be around whilst the agent was actually here. I just couldn't face seeing my husband being kinder to a stranger than he is to me! It was more that than the fact that we are moving on. In many, many ways I am relieved that one of us made the decision; and it was probably never going to be me who did.
Thank you for your post screamadelica.

Can you do a rota so ie you get to cook at different times so he doesn't bother you and you get to eat a decent meal?

Things are getting better and well done getting this far as so hard esp in DV situations. The only way is up and freedom...talking of which have you done the freedom programme by WA...this may help you whilst waiting to sell/move on esp meeting other women who have been in DV situations also to chat too.

No I haven't. I haven't heard of it either.
I was in the process of getting help from a local dv group two years ago when he was advised to move out after his arrest. When he moved back in I severed all contact with them and convinced myself that it was all my fault and that it wasn't domestic violence. He denied that anything had ever happened and that I was the one in the relationship who was letting us down.
I know I should contact them again; I just feel rather ashamed.

oh I think the Freedom programme will be perfect for you seperated to help build your self confidence and stop blaming yourself...classic DV you were made to feel it was your fault when he threatened or punched or kicked you!
I think it will give you a lift you really really need....join THIS WEEK. It;s free and rolling programme of 10 weeks and you can join any week just need to contact WA to join and they take some details before you join.
I may go on it too...I have phoned about it and found out the day it is on....I'm so so slow

Okay. I will look into it. There wasn't really kicking or punching. Lots of shouting. He's over a foot taller than me so he would shout whilst leaning over me. He would take things off me, like my laptop, and hold them above my head. He would threaten to kill me. He would accuse me of being mad, passive aggressive etc etc He hurt me, physically, a few times. He threatened to cancel my car insurance, accused me of being a sponger when the children were very small and I only worked part time. He never says nice things about women. He hates them if they are powerful/originated. He hurt our dog and insisted he was rehomed or he would leave. Then he made me agree that it was my fault for not walking him enough. He is physically aggressive with our teenaged son. He denies any responsibility for anything.

Oh separated I just want to hold your hand and tell you that the freedom you will feel when this situation is over will astonish you. Please hang on to that. That awful tight nervous churning feeling will be gone and you will be living the kind of life you deserve.

Dont feel ashamed about going back to the DV group - remember many of those women have gone back time and time again before finally becoming free. They of all people will understand and not judge you.

The coming months will be about healing and coming to terms with what has been done to you. And then there will be a lovely future out there for you, free of fear.

And your children's lives will be immeasurably better, if nothing else makes you feel better, hopefully that thought will.

xxx

Please don't feel ashamed separated you have nothing to feel ashamed about and it seems you are being punished enough at the moment without you punishing yourself too. I think seaofyous suggestion of the Freedom Programme is an excellent idea, it will give you a purpose, you will gain strength and confidence from it and it's something you will be doing for you. If you don't feel up to joining the Freedom Programme then please do ring WA for some support, you need someone to help you, someone who can keep you afloat until you get out out of that horrible situation, now is not the time to be sinking into a depression, you are going to need all of your strength to start building and enjoying that new life of yours.

Hang on in there

Thank you Hollyfoot.
It's the knowledge that things will improve that is keeping me going.
I am having a free advice session with a solicitor tomorrow to ascertain what's worth fighting and what's not. He is divorcing me on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and citing the date of his arrest as the date that, essentaially, he became aware that I had made malicious, false accusations about him thus rendering our marriage untenable.

Thanks timeformeandDD. I have some time off work tomorrow pm so I will look into it. I certainly do need some support right now.

I've just had a look at it myself separated, I left my abusive ex almost two years ago now and I do wish I had known about the Freedom Programme back then. In fact, I'm wondering if it would benefit me now even though I'm further down the line. I'm finding it very difficult to believe that not all men are the same and the fear of ending up in another abusive relationship makes me want to be alone for the rest of my life.

I lived pretty much like you are doing now. I had my own room downstairs while he was upstairs. I made my room into a haven with candles and lovely things. I had snacks too and sometimes I would make myself a picnic box up so I didn't have to enter any space he was in . Weekends were awful because he was around more. I'm free now though and I can't tell you how wonderful life is. I am often overwhelmed with happiness just because I am away from that vile situation. You are working towards your freedom, every single day is another step nearer, just keep moving forward, don't let this vile man bring you down any more than he already has.

Funnily enough, I've found that sometimes the nearer you get to being free of an intolerable situation, the harder that very last bit of rubbish life feels. You're almost at that doorway to your new life now, and soon you'll be able to dance through it.

You are very wise to think about what is and isnt worth fighting for; its all too easy to get dragged into the arguments because morally you know you were in the right and you want that to be somehow recorded for posterity. He on the other hand is thrashing around looking to justify what he did, and continues to do to your son. He may even believe - in his own world - that you were unreasonable and he did nothing wrong. You know thats bollocks. But if its going to cost you a fortune and drag the whole thing out even more to prove its bollocks, then maybe it isnt worth fighting that particular battle.

Hold your head high, know you are doing the best for yourself and your children and that soon you will be free at last. And it will in time be wonderful.

Hi Separated, I remember you from your previous thread a couple of years ago. I posted under a different name then and followed the thread closely. I have often wondered how you were.

I'm so sorry things have turned out this way, it did look for a while like things might be getting better. But at the end of the day, H did really sound like a very bad apple so you most probably are doing the right thing in separating from him.

Do you have contact with your sister?

You have nothing to feel ashamed of! The police will have a record of your previous communication.

You say he is divorcing you... what does this mean in terms of costs etc? I seem to remember it was you who wanted to divorce him last time.

Hi there. Yes I'm back again.
Both times it has been my husband who has ended things. I pushed for divorce last time but found that he has already filed. So he is using the same paperwork and petitioning against me. He is claiming costs against me if I defend the proceedings. I see a solicitor tomorrow. The temptation is to agree to everything, dispute nothing, give him everything and walk away quickly. but I know that I cannot as I won't have the money to replace things.

Yes, my sister and I are in close contact, although he hasn't allowed her in the house since we reunited 18 months ago. She is visiting next week for our birthday!

I can't really offer any advice re the legal bits... I'm sure there are others here who can be more helpful. And the solicitor will surely help you to see things more clearly.

What ever happened to all the credit card debt?

What about the children's school? I remember that was a big issue for you. Will they be able to continue on there once you split with H?

Oh god the credit card debt. We consolidated it with a bank loan. It at least we tried to . We each ended up getting a loan. The bank were prepared to lend far more to me, unfortunately...

The children are still both at the same school. Who knows whether we'll still afford it. But my son's HM has said to discuss finances with the School first before thinking about removing them.

How the heck did you remember that??

Husband hasn't come home from work. No contact from him. Nothing.

is that an issue, it sounds like you are default parent/baby sitter?

I think you need to tell him on x days of the week he is on duty and you will be out?

He's just got back now. I suppose he went out somewhere. With someone.
I cannot wait to be free from this.
Last week he went out for drinks with I don't know who. But, that time, he came back from work first. Not particularly bothered if he's met someone but I would have thought it a common courtesy to let me/the children know if he's not coming home.

I cannot begin to describe how this whole separated but still living together feels.

How did the meeting with the solicitor go sep?

I know it's truly awful living in this type of limbo. I did it for far too long and it was the worst time of my whole life.

All you can do is keep your sights firmly fixed on your future. Try to get out as much as you can, see as many people as you can and turn your room into your own cosy space for you and DCs. I was very worried before I actually went that I'd get a big emotional kickback but I felt so much better within, literally a day Like Timefor I still regularly 2 years later feel blessed just to live in my own cosy home, in peace and with total freedom... it's great.

I cannot begin to describe how this whole separated but still living together feels

I lived existed as you've described for almost 3 years.

It was hell.

Eventually the house was sold. I can't begin to describe the joy I felt when I moved out.

You're experiencing the worst time. It will get better, I promise.

Take care