i need a friend to help me with a horrid argument.

[howithappens]

just had a huge argument with dp. we are talking about breaking up, we have a dd 13 MO and live abroad to this is not easy. The thing is we mostly have a pretty good relationship. Or so i thought. The argument was daft, started off daft anyway and progressed. we don't argue like this often, maybe just every 3 months, or less frequent than that, but when we do it is horrific. He is unreasonable and I am overemotional. He won't listen to me and walks away and gives me unpleasant looks. I get so frustrated that I hit him (a smack on his bum, is this really that bad?) and then he points his finger in my face and says v agressively "don't you ever f*king hit me again...repeat repeat" and gets very verbally mean. I get upset, he gets more peeved off with me, i want to make it better, he gets more and more angry telling me to "get out of his fking face" and then it has escualted to horrific levels. I tell him to hit me rather than talk to me so badly, as i want him to see that i consider the way he talks to me as insulting as if he had hit me. I go off for a walk with dd and come back after an hour, he has gone for walk and comes back and won't talk to me telling me to "get out of his f*king face" again and again. And tells me that if it wasn't for dd I (me) wouldn't still be here. He says how dare i hit him, he would never hit me and then tells me that I contribute nothing to the house, as i am a stay at home mum and in all honesty I am crap at keeping the place clean, i really am. But it is all just too harsh. I know he has anger management issues and i prob do to the extent that I don't know how to argue if that makes sense, i get so upset that I can't control myself. so now, dd is in bed, dp isn't talking to me and i feel rubbish. Please don't tell me just to break up from him, he really isn't all bad and most of the time gentle and sweet and caring to me and dd, and these arguements hardly ever happen, but when they do they are all consuming and there is clearly a problem that needs adressing. Dp is very stubborn and bears a grudge, so this will be hard to work through....so really just need a friend to help through this. Living abroad, i have no one really to turn to.

But, really, you shouldn't hit him and suggesting that he should hit you is not the way to make it better. It sounds as if you both need to consider how you communicate with each other.

Also, I think a row like this every three months is quite a lot, tbh.

I would be looking for a relationship counsellor so you can both improve your communication skills with each other.

Learn to walk away from him like he does you, he goes off to cool down you make things worse by being at him all the time, I think you are the blameworthy one here.

There is no excuse for physical violence none.

This may sound harsh but if I were to suggest splitting up, I wouldn't be telling you to break up with him, I'd be telling him to break up with you.

You sound very immature in your responses to him (smacking him and screaming at him to hit you etc) but you have admitted you don't know how to argue. Perhaps counselling will help you to resolve conflict in a more positive manner?

Sounds bad tbh. Is your daughter seeing/hearing this? My initial reaction is you need to leave. A healthy argument once in a while is fine, but this is not that!

I am no expert but didn't want to read and run, but, if you feel you want to try to resolve it my only suggestion is to talk about it when you're both calm.

I do think you are just as/more culpable as physical violence is never acceptable. You both have anger management issues so you need to accept responsibility for your part in it.

Hopefully, someone will be along with some solid advice.

X posts

I agree with BelleDameSansMerci who says that a row like this every 3 months is a lot. I was with my H for 8.5 years and had a few huge rows, or what I thought were huge rows, but not once anything like you describe. I wouldn't consider a relationship in which rows to this degree happen multiple times a year a good one at all.

maybe every 3 months is an exaggeration...they are not often. Normally we argue not at all, and i think the problem is that we don't know how to argue. It is nice to read that maybe I am the problem, becuase that I can work with. I think we are both the problem though tbh - not able to expres oursleves properly and it all comes out and we don't understand what each other needs. I have no skills at arguing, i never argue, never have, and i've never seen constructive arguing (my mother is a doormat in an emotionally abusive relationship). so i know i am in the wrong, though i do think he is too, he swears at me so horribly and i can't just accept that.

Agree with others, you need to both walk away and calm down when the argument escalates. Smacking him isn't acceptable, it certainly also inflamed the situation. Of course holding a grudge and making it difficult for you to resolve things isn't good either, but the smacking his bottom was wrong.

Could you have some relationship counselling? Sounds like you both need some tbh.

I do hope your little girl doesn't hear or witness these arguments You could go out with her for a walk before it reaches that stage.

oh god. i feel so sick. what a mess. we have no money for counselling, really we don't and live abroad so nothing we can claim from UK charities. My poor little dd, she didn't witness it totally, but yes, she would have heard some. I am so immature in arguing i know I am. and he is not good either.

You've got yourselves in a very distructive cycle her op.

How old are you both?

How long have you been living abroad?

You have a little one which is hard at the best of times.

Why on earth do you smack him on the backside (I'm a non smacker, even where kids are concerned) but it does sound a bit of a childish thing to do.

Well there are good books such as this one: www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Arguing-Start-Talking-Conflict/dp/0091856698/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1327782199&sr=1-4 If you both committed to read it that may help?

i jjust get so frustrated that he won't listen to me that I lash out. never hard, but i just want him to stop and listen and he won't. Please don't judeg me too harshly, I know it is wrong, but I can't control my emtions. but it has only ever been with him, i boil up like you can't imagine and then i hit him.....i've only ever done it twice in my life, but that's twice too many i know. I am actually a really gentle calm person, i never shout, am never angry with my dd. I don't know why this happens. And yes, it then winds him up more and he gets all verbally agressive which i can't handle.

In the nicest way possible, you both sound quite immature tbh

like others said if your daughter witnesses this at best she'll learn that immature behaviour and at worst be traumatized.

I would say split up

Or this one: www.amazon.co.uk/Loving-Yourself-Another-Self-esteem-Relationships/dp/0091856760/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1327782199&sr=1-5
Anyway you get my point.

But you do need to both think hard about things and work to improve the situation imo, or for the sake of your daughter consider ending it, if needs be.

"i just want him to stop and listen and he won't"

I bet doesn't listen after you've smacked him either. Walk away, cool off. It sounds like it's six of one and half a dozen of the other but I am only judging by what I've read on here so far and my own limited opinion.

Where is he right now? Is DD in bed? Can you try to talk to him, apologise for your part?

it is not good enough to say that he is "bad" at something too and that this kind of justifies acting out of control, I don't mind to be horrible but seriously, you must take responsibility for the child you have. If you were alone, you could still do things like this, rant, rave, hit, have histrionics, storm out, slam the door, want to have a heart to heart and hound him from room to room etc etc and if it got too much, you or he would leave. Same applies to him. You've got the dc though.

If you live overseas and have nowhere to go and no-one to help and you have a little girl who deserves to grow up in a safe and calm home which you and dh must provide her, you must get a grip on yourself. I don't know what you argue about and I don't know either of you but you must exerc ise some common sense. Resolve not to ever hit your dh again and do not get overemotional. It is an exercise of will over emotion. It is entirely possible. Both of you for instance can go in different rooms and calm down and discuss it the next day in a "how do we fix the problem" kind of conversation. If it is not a good relationship, best to leave. The sooner the better IMO. He has also said quite clearly he would prefer you to leave, it is only the dc which is preventing him leaving you. So a lot is already wreaked.

Take a few minutes and imagine the scenario: He is gone and you are there overseas with a small dc, what are you going to do? Doesn't sound good, does it? Either you carry on dealing with him and this relationship the way you have done but then you need to make sure you have an exit route - money for instance and all the rest, get a job, make it possible to leave- or change how you behave towards him and see if you want to and can try and fix things. If he joins in, great, if he doesn't, it might not work. One person out of two at least can start to make a change. If the relationship is broken, it is broken. Tbh I think it is probably too late to fix.

i jjust get so frustrated that he won't listen to me that I lash out. never hard, but i just want him to stop and listen and he won't.

So it's his fault you hit him?

I can't control my emtions. but it has only ever been with him

So again, you're saying it's him who causes you to hit him?

OP, this is what abusive men say to justify hitting women. Don't be so hypocritical. It's irrelevant that it's not hard. The point is you lose control and feel justified in lashing out.

And yes, it then winds him up more and he gets all verbally agressive which i can't handle.

I'm not suprised he gets verbally aggressive. He's retaliating to being attacked. His best course of action would be for him to go and seek custody of your daughter while you get some anger management and learn to control your emotions and hands. That is your responsibility.

As an adult it's not good enough to say you 'cant' control your emotions. The truth is you are refusing learning to control them. It's something everyone has to learn. Take personal responsibility for yourself before you worry about your husband. There are no room for double standards here.

If you don't want to break up with him go for marriage counselling.

I really like this flyer, it was provided to me on a recent course I went on. The first page lists the dominator and the second what a true partner should be like. It's food for thought and the worst thing is some people think the second person is too good to be true and doesn't exist, hence naming them "The Saint". Have a look, where do you lie on the 2 descriptions? It's worth thinking about here and getting the help you need: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad.pdf

May take a while to open. I don't mean to be heavy handed here. I know we are sometimes guilty of shouting abuse quickly on mn but your relationship isn't healthy. Hope you work things out with your partner and things get better.

Is the argument generally over the same thing? If you don't mind, roughly how old are you both? Did you have these arguments before you moved abroad?

Sorry low on advice but I wanted to agree with those who say that an argument like this every 3 months isn't normal - I can quite honestly say in 10 years that me and DP have had our fair share of 'petty' arguments, but even at our worst barely resort to shouting - and certainly not screaming and physical/verbal violence. I'm prepared to admit that arguments are a normal part of a relationship to an extent and we are probably strange in that we rarely actually shout at each other, but your arguments are not normal either and I agree that you both need to work on your communication.

On a personal note - I am a 'talker' and DP is a 'silent treatment-er' and so we do have communication clashes in that respect - I want to talk it all out and she just wants to sulk - but over 10 years I have learnt to leave her be for an amount of time, and she has learnt to sulk for shorter periods of time! It is all a process of learning and adapting to help each other.