Please give me some advice on my difficult family relationships

[gilmoregirl]

I am finding it very hard to deal with my family and would really appreciate some advice and mumsnet wisdom. I feel very sad about the way things are and would like to improve it but don't know where to start, is all pretty complicated.....

I am a single parent with one DS who is six. I do my best and most of the time I (like to hope) that I appear to be a fairly competant woman coping well - I work full time in a job I mostly enjoy, DS seems happy at school and at after school club etc but actually I am very lonely and feel like perhaps I am NOT coping.

I just feel so alone and so lonely. DS's Dad is not involved, he comes to see DS perhaps every 4 -6 weeks for a couple of hours but that is it, no other input in terms of support or caring for DS.

I live in the same city as my Dad and one of my sisters. My Dad has recently retired and lives with his partner who is also retired. She seems to rule the roost and is very much a homebody so often my Dad won't be able to come and meet me as he is told to do some job round the house and so on.

My sister works part time and lives with her boyfriend, since she met him she has shown a bit more interest in spending time with DS and me.

However by no means do I feel that she or my Dad are offering much support.

The unfortunate thing is that for some reason the perception seems to be that my Dad and my sister are uber supportive and a great help to me. Mainly perpetuated by themselves. My sister and her boyfriend do babysit for DS sometimes but not on a regular basis. I am either at work or with DS and am trying to study so sometimes just feel so exhausted and worn down.

I need to find a way to cope better and to not let the lack of family support get to me but also importantly to readjust perceptions so that others (ie my Dad and my sister) stop believing the hype that they are a great support to me as it simply is not true.

My sister and I had a rather unpleasant conversation recently when I tried to explain how I felt, so I clearly did not do a very good job!

people don't like to hear that the support they offer is inadequate for your needs, which it is!
More friends and more fun would help you in the short term as your family are unable to meet your emotional and practical needs.
Remember, you are a woman and a person, not just a mum, sister, daughter.
Do you have fun, friends and passion for anything? It's very hard being a single mum, I did it, I know the loneliness.

that's exactly it Leeray. I have a lot of fun with DS and I do have some friends. Don't tend to have much fun for just me if you see what I mean.

None of my friends are single so they don't really get it. My friends have been much better at offering actual help (for example taking DS so that I can write my essays etc) and are shocked when I have mentioned the way my sister was when I tried to explain how I felt.

I just feel that it is not fair - I don't actually get the support so feel exhausted and resentful, my sister and my Dad get the kuodos of being supportive without actually doing much!

lots of people like that, my own family for example and many so called friends who when it came to having to give something, they were unable to.
There's so many selfish people, but we have to learn to accept them, which is hard or to reject them, which is also hard. We usually just resent them!

sorry, should say, lots of people are like that

Whenever the subject of whether your dad and your sister are supportive comes up, just laugh.

Can you afford a babysitter? It would be good for you to meet some other single mums - I wish there were sites similar to dating sites for single mums.

Totally Imperial! I often think that. I would love to have some other single mum friends as they are the only ones who can actually understand what it is like.

Leeray - is so sad that people are so crap - really gets me down. I was exteremly upset after the inpleasant conversation with my sister and phoned a friend and she was really good at putting things into perspective for me.

I totally just resent it.!

My sister is just so clever at portraying herself as the wonderful supportive sister and loving aunt when in reality she shows very little interest in DS and me.

For example DS got a wii for christmas - I have no idea how to work it and DS was getting upset as I couldnt get it to work. Phoned my sister at around 9am to ask her if her boyf could pop over and help me. Two texts later she replies. He turns up around 5pm - does not even take his coat off - fiddles with it for a couple of mins and it is set up.

My Dad phones later and the first thing he says to me is "I hear that your sister and her Boyf were round helping you today".

I mean really - they were in my flat for 5 mins and did not even take off coats or stay for a cup of tea - yet she gives the impression that is what they did all day (when they were actually shopping and at the spa and I was trying to amuse a rather grumpy six year old who wanted to play on his longer for wii)

It is constantly like that. When I ask her to babysit I always set out food for her to have. When she turns up she spends the first half hour faffing around with the stuff I have left her and setting up her laptop on my wifi asking me questions when I am desperately trying to get ready to go out.

I also have an extremely unsupportive family who live in close proximity to me. I don't know whether they think they are supportive - probably, it's the type of thing they'd do - but they are zero supportive. Actually bring me down most of the time. I'm also a single parent and have brought my kids up alone with really zero support from them on any level.

It hurt for a long time - having them there but not there hurt the most. I would have been better off not having them there at all iygwim. I've recently been able to cross over from being constantly hurt to knocking them on the head. For me, this has meant cutting the relationship. I can't tell you the relief!!

the pain of them being there but not there is the pain of rejection - and there's nothing like it. I read somewhere recently that rejection is the most painful thing for a human being to face, that it goes extremely deep - in our situation we are facing it day in day out.

I'd take a HUGE step back - like really right back (and back again as someone said to me the other day). IMagine your life without them, start meditating on that. Once you get the distance between you and stop pretending (to yourself) that they're there but not there - the truth is that they're not there you will feel a lot better. They may talk the talk but they don't walk the walk. Get them out of your hair - it sounds like you've got some good friends if you can call people up and work through some painful things: nurture those friendships.

btw not everybody has a glorious family who are there for each other. I don't and an awful lot don't, we just keep quiet about it because it hurts.

Been thinking about this: do they act as though you are their 'project'? That they're looking after you? Like " somebody has to look after her!"?

Hi Daffs

Yes I am at the moment taking a step back as I just find it so hard to deal with them. My Dad does not listen to a word I say when I do speak to him which is just so frustrating.

I don't think that they act as if I am a project exactly but there is definitely an element of "ooooh aren't we such a supportive auntie / grandpa look at us"/ I hate asking them for help as they make such a big deal out of each time I ask for a couple of hours baby sitting and I then feel beholden to them.

My Dad has recently started doing some voluntary work and has obviously been on some training which he then spouts off verbatum to me.

DS is six and I work full time so we are in a pretty tight routine in the evening: I collect him from after school club. we come home, have our tea, do DS home work then he plays for a bit while I tidy/prepare for tomorrow, then I read him stories and he goes to bed c9pm.

My Dad has taken to "suggesting" on a regular basis that I shoudl "try to get DS into a routine". ...... Ironically the only time DS routine is messed up is when my Dad decides to phone at 9pm! I try to explain that we are in a routine but he is just not listening. He thinks he is being supportive and providing wonderful advice but he is actually just irritating me!

It really does hurt espeically in contrast to what my friends families are like