Wasn't sure where to post this....

[Gracie9]

Do you ever wonder what happened to your life? How you are suddenly the age you are and things aren't really that great? Don't get me wrong my life is good in essence, I have a lovely boyfriend (who I do love despite the fact we do fall out a fair bit & I don't think I'm ver nice to him a lot of the time) of 3 1/2 (minus 6 months) years and great step son. I have my health & a lovely group of friends. I've been in the same job for 14 years this year. I turn 35 this year. I keep getting the "is this it?" and "how the hell did this happen?" feelings.
I don't own a house. I don't live with my bf. I don't have any kids of my own. I'm divorced after an awful collapse of a marriage to a guy who essentially slept around during our entire relationship (& I had a miscarriage before he went on to have children with his then girlfriend/now wife). I don't really have any money. And I feel kind of empty & directionless.
Facebook seriously doesn't help. All the smiling faces of your "friends" with seemingly much better lives than you or I. Why don't I live in Bali or fly first class to America? Or spend months travelling Thailand or Australia? Or announce my new job/house/obe/engagement/marriage/pregnancy or birth of a child?

I keep feeling like I'm waiting for something to happen and that there has to be more to life than this. I currently feel like I amount to nothing, don't really matter. I am always the one to make the effort with people. When the tables are turned its very rare that anyone makes the effort with me.
It worries me that I'm starting to feel sad, resentful & can't be bothered doing anything as I don't see the point in trying.

Just needed a place to freely vent all this without being accused of self pity (which has happened when I try to speak to so called friends)

You're feeling that your life lacks meaning. We need to have meaning in our life, especially as we get older, we evaluate and review and that's normal.
What do you want for your life and then what is stopping you?
Get a few goals going and move towards them. It sounds like life has become boring, don't wait for something to happen, make things happen. this takes courage and risk though. Have you had help, such as counselling, for the miscarriage and the betrayal?

what's causing the rows? Your frustration?

Thanks for the reply. All of the above feelings continue. I do feel totally bored. I have no idea what I want my goals to be though. I just feel directionless and tired & teary & generally sad to be honest.
I did go for counselling but I found it quite unhelpful & pointless. The falls outs usually do stem from venting frustration.
I feel lost :-(

Hi Gracie. I know someone who went for Life Coaching. It sounds like more what you need than counselling. She went into very sceptially and found it a tremedous help when feeling very similar to how you describe yourself. How about a go at that?

Gracie - I can so so relate to you.

I have been like this for a few years now. I am 39 so probably in serious mid life crisis territory but I feel I have woken up from 10 years of sleepwalking. I feel I have failed in life because I have not achieved what I thought I would have done at this stage of my life.

I have 2 DC 10 and 13 but they are at boarding school. My H is serial cheater. I gave up my rather crap and boring career to follow him around the world with his job and raise my kids.

I went to college last year to "re launch" myself back into the real world. It was fab I loved every minute. But I have been unable to get employment in that (or any other) area, so feel I am now back to square 1.

Ignore facebook. Easier said than done. I know my life sounds more glam than it is on there. I dont lie or exaggerate on FB but I only tend to put the good stuff and not the everyday mundane shit inbetween.

I recall before FB when Friends Reunited kicked off. I was utterly depressed for 6 months thinking everyone who had attended to same shitty school as me had actually done very well for themselves and somehow I hadnt. Reality isnt like that. If you delve deeper - few peoples lives are that amazing. I have since learnt a mate travelling Oz etc left the UK because of an abusive relationship and a breakdown. Another old school mate who seemingly lived in a posh rural area with millions of horses was actually on a drug rehabilitationn programme. Both people had carefully chosen what to put on their profiles - making their lives sound alot more glam and lovely than the reality.

Sorry though - cannot help you with finding what you want to do with your life as I am also struggling too. Will be reading this thread with interest.

You're still young.
I'm 43.
I never married but did meet a great guy when I turned 39 upon rocking up at the boat yard where the boat - to cross oceans - was that I had just bought.
I'm a beginner sailor and wanted to challenge myself in life, just so I didn't have feelings like you are having now.
Putting myself out there brought me love, albeit it's been quite a journey so far, and so much more.

I only earned 17k a year as an English teacher in Japan but saved well.
I bought two flats abroad, for cash, from saving, which were cheap to buy, seafront, 30K each, and my 'pension'.

Japan saved me from having a crappy life in the UK.
I had 13 weeks paid vacation a year from the age of 24.

It's possible to change your life, even at 35.
You don't have kids.
I never wanted kids.
I always wanted to do what I am doing now - weird stuff, like buying boats, even though I can't sail.
;)

Maybe consider working abroad as an English teacher.
It can bring so many great experiences, and open your eyes to different ways to invest any savings you might accrue, and so on.

Good luck!

p.s I'm retiring forever in 6 weeks and 2 days time.
I know I am not the norm but it is possible if you think outside of the box we are born in.
I try to teach my students, who are in their teens, that they can make the system, worldwide, work for them, if they are willing to step outside of the blueprint we are usually meant to follow.

BayPolar, your life outline is erm challenging! but inspiring. Good idea to think out of the box.

However, wht I hear from you OP is that you have a lot of grief down inside you. Sorry to sound psychobabbly about it. For a start, you were in a marriage where your shit husband skanked all over you, treating you with not a drop of respect - that message can burrow in very deep (i'ts all I'm good for). Then you were pg but lost the baby - that also takes some getting over particularly as you have not gone on to have any more children (yet). Those two alone are enough to weigh down the boat to the point that it starts to sink.

Your feelings of pointlessness and boredom do point to underlying depression - a very human , and common, condition. I don't use FB and know that if I did I'd be sunk with all those glittering lives. Like titsup says, people choose to present details that look like they're leading a celebrity lifestyle but the truth is very probably so much more human. I remember reading an article in a women's mag about a dazzling couple... then realised I knew them and they really and truly were anything but. It wasn't only their photo that had been airbrushed. It's all a lot of tosh really a lot of the time but it's all we hear so it's easy to get taken in.

If counselling didn't do it for you last time it could be because you didn't really gel with the counsellor? You could try again OR do some life coaching ie if you start to feel you're achieving something you could then have the space to start looking at some traumas in your life that you havne't been able to unpick before. I like to think that as human beings we are amazingly made - in that, if something skanky gets buried in us it gives us gyp further along the line in some form or other - often in an unrecognisable form to the initial hurt. Ie we are essentially built to be healthy and the human condition won't tolerate it when something that needs attention stays buried out of sight and will start popping up warning signals. We have a choice of course - to face it and deal with it or to keep on burying it. Facing it may be initially challenging but it's so worth it to draw out the thorn. I don't mean years of navel gazing necessarily either - a lot of us have been too hurt somewhere along the line and need to get it out in order to get on and enjoy our lives.

Thank you all for your replies. I really have to do something or I will also end up losing my boyfriend. He's kind of "had it" with my sadness. Obviously! I can't be v nice to be around right now. Still can't really speak to my friends. That's a weird one. I can hardly bring myself to say two words to them at the moment.
I think I have to start a list of things I am thankful for instead of focussing on what I don't have x

Which is a great life skill to practise for ever tbh. But imo I think you might need some intervention of some kind as well as counting your blessings, yeah? It really is better to get some support sooner rather than later tbh. Plenty of us have been down this path - like I said, people don't generally talk about it but you're far from alone.

Thanks everyone.
Had a very long emotional chat with boyfriend. And established that I suspect I'm exhausted.
And as such I have spent today trying to be kinder to myself (after a number of seriously "not good enough" and "too fat" etc etc days!). I've had the day to myself and it's helped immensely. And honest chat with bf has helped too.
Have established some life goals for now. And am smiling.
There is a slight niggle tho. I still cannot bring myself to even speak to my best friend! I have an overwhelming urge to tell her to f off. I don't understand. She has been through a lot too and life has suddenly (whirlwind scale!) changed for her. She's met a lovely man who (literally!) treats her like a princess. Why am I not overjoyed & happy for her?!
Thanks for advice.
And ps if it wasn't for bf & family I'd be off to Japan!!! X

She has been through a lot too and life has suddenly (whirlwind scale!) changed for her. She's met a lovely man who (literally!) treats her like a princess. Why am I not overjoyed & happy for her?!

I get your point about feeling jealous of other peoples' achievements if you're feeling shit aobut your own life - but what you have described above rings alarm bells with me. swept her off her feet, treats her like a princess... Most abusers start off like that..

yy I know I sound like a killjoy and it's a separate matter anyway. I'm just too long in the tooth re abusive relationships to not notice what could be some very distinct red flags.

Cripes. That didn't even occur to me!
As far as I can tell (as I haven't met him) he is seriously well off and "very generous". He's (after going out literally 2 weeks) paying for them to go away to Dubai for a week all business class! And he is showering her with presents & use of his swanky vehicles.
Every time she speaks or messages me I just want to reply "Shut the f up!!!!"
Am I just a big green jealous monster??
It's sad as she is my closest friend & in a couple of weeks (of her not being around whilst I've been feeling like sh*t) I can hardly stand being in the same room as her.
What do I do?

YOu go to a counsellor/life coach

seriously though - raging jealousy is a sure sign that something isn't right with us, that we're not fulfilling our potential in some way.

and the guy sounds well dodgy to me...

Does she really want to go to Dubai for a week with a guy she's only just met? Is he actually turning her life upside down? Is he going there for work and she's just tagging along? Slower would be better.
Dubai doesnt have a great human rights record, its not somewhere I'd want to go.

Tell her you are having a sh*t time and miss her?

She sent me a message - as I'm still not actually speaking to her - saying "can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him"?!?! Good grief I suspect she might marry him whilst away!
And it isn't a business trip. He asked her to go with him as he was planning on visiting friends!
Im still slightly "wft?!?!" tbh

And I did send her a message explaining I'd been properly in a bad way & missed her.
Feeling more myself today. Still very aware I was in a pretty bad place tho....

You realise it's not her fault, don't you?
She's in love and good luck to her, I hope all goes well.

Who knows? Eventually you may get invited to tag along and meet one of his friends...

What are you doing for yourself? Hapiness is not about money or a man.
You clearly don't feel well about yourself.

I'd start looking for outside interests. Try hobbies, volunteer, take a course.

And reevaluate your relationship if you are not happy.

Do you want children?

I don't want to meet "one of his friends"!
Things are slowly improving. I'm sleeping a lot, started meditating & went for some help today.
I spoke to my friend today too & that wasn't easy but was good.
Been easier to speak to bf today. We have spoken about goals and aims.
With a bit of perspective it all seems a bit silly and out of proportion now, but I guess everything is relative at the time.
It's strange when something like that happens without any major obvious cause.
I still don't know about the kids thing. If this is how I am with myself, I don't think I'd make a very good mum!