No more contact with MIL?

[littlecupcake]

Hello, long time lurker here but first post so here goes...

DH and I have been together for 5 years and married for 3. We have a beautiful DD who is 21 months old. MIL has never accepted me, nor has she said why our relationship is the way it is. Her relationship with DH has never been great, but he has always tried his best to keep his parents happy. I can't help feeling that my relationship with DH has driven a wedge between him and his parents, since they seem to have drifted further and further apart since we met. DH has a brother and a sister, both of whom live about five minutes from us, but we never see them. They appear to enjoy a good relationship with their parents. They each have babies that are exceptionally close in age. MIL and FIL live three hours away so we don't see them very often. However, we do try to visit them with DD a couple of times a year so that DD can get to know her grandparents.

Since DH has realised that the only telephone contact we have with his parents is when he calls them, he has given up phoning. The last time they called us was the beginning of July last year.

PIL have been staying at SIL's house, five minutes down the road from us, for the past week. They called in on their way past last weekend and stayed for a couple of hours (I suspect this was only because I cooked them a nice lunch and it would've been rude of them to leave as soon as they had finished eating). As they left last weekend, I said to them that they are welcome to pop in during the week in the day or evening, just let us know. (I know, I know, I had my fingers crossed when I said it, but I tried to make them feel welcome all the same). We haven't heard from them.

Today is MIL's birthday. DH called her this morning to wish her a happy birthday. She said that she would call in tomorrow with FIL for 10 to 15 minutes on their way back home. What really upsets me is the thought that she can only spare a few minutes to see her eldest granddaughter, when she has spent the entire week with her other two grandchildren. I know that she and I don't get on, but I always try to make them feel welcome for my DD's sake. But it doesn't look as though they will do the same in return for DD.

This is not the first time that such things have happened. At Christmas they all see each other together but DH and I visit separately because my SILs won't talk to me. Last summer they all went away for a week together and we didn't even get an invitation. When DH graduated last year, his parents came to the ceremony but his brother and sister couldn't even bring themselves to congratulate him on FB when they saw the photos (let alone send a card)!

If I try to talk about how I feel with DH he just says that he accepts that this is the way it is, it's always been like it and nothing will ever change it. I feel desperately sorry for my DH, but more so for my DD who is clearly not treated the same as the other grandchildren.

This 'flying visit' really is the last straw and I'm very tempted to tell MIL not to bother coming round (it'll save me having to do a massive clear-up operation for a second week in a row!). Had she suggested perhaps meeting up for a coffee or lunch before they travelled home, I wouldn't have felt quite so insulted, but she's made it clear that they only have a few minutes that they can spare us. Incidentally, there is nothing that they have to rush home for.

I know I'd be better off without MIL, DH doesn't seem bothered either way, and I want to protect my DD when she's a little bit older and starts noticing that the grandparents spend more time with her cousins but don't want to see her. Not sure what I'm asking really, just need a bit of support and advice on how to handle the situation - come on MNers, tell me what you'd do!

Do you know why they dont like you? Its very odd and not something you need to tolerate.

As they have decided to dislike you for no good reason give them a bloody good reason by telling them what vile grandparents they are and then cut them out

How odd.

Even if it is a crank reason, surely there must be a reason that MiL hates you and your two SiLs don't speak to you?

How would their side of the story go?

Very sad for your husband and daughter. Yes, they don't seem to be much of an enhancement to your lives. Are you thinking of a dramatic declaration or a fade out?

I'm wondering ... just wondering ... if they are picking up on any impressions you are giving then, perhaps unconsciously. For instance, if you feel that a flying visit will entail a massive clear-up operation for you, perhaps you make them, unwittingly, feel a bit unwelcome, or in the way?

It's hard to explain otherwise. Could you try to discuss it calmly with your MIL? There has to be a reason.

The other thought I had is, would you ever suggest that they might like to take your DD out on their own, to a park or similar? My (Ex)PiLs have always liked doing things on their own with my DC. (I think I make them nervous!)

I really don't know! I am a very quiet person so I don't fit in with my two SILs who are both loud, outspoken and very opinionated, but that doesn't explain why the relationship with MIL is as it is!

DH and I saw some emails when we were planning our wedding that went between MIL and her daughter, discussing what to wear to our wedding and saying that my family are all stick insects and other nasty comments. I honestly can't think where this has all stemmed from. I've always been polite and kind, and tried hard (perhaps that's where I've gone wrong) to be a good DIL. I get on well with everybody, with the exception of DH's family.

My only other guess is that DH is the youngest of three, yet he is the most successful in terms of his career, nice car, nice house etc and he was the first to settle down and get married. When he and I got engaged SIL said to him 'well, that's a waste of money' - couldn't even offer her congratulations!! We conceived DD without any problems yet BIL and his wife had to go through IVF after a couple of miscarriages. They also don't like the fact that I rent out the house that I lived in prior to meeting DH. Very often I'm able to put it down to jealousy, but really, would that explain why DH's parents have got such a big issue with me (us?!)?

Wow - thanks for your replies everyone!

RabidEchidna - you have just made me laugh out loud for the first time today since The Phonecall :)

SilentBoob - I think that their side of the story would be along the lines of 'look at them, they've got everything and we're the poor relations'. The SILs spend all their time together. I used to join them once a week but stopped when I found out that they had met up numerous times behind my back. To add insult to injury, they walk past our house on their way to a baby group every week - happened to notice Nanny going with them this week, too, which really hurt.

LineRunner - yes, I can see your point about them feeling uncomfortable if I made a big thing about tidying up/preparing for their visit, but wanting to appear the Perfect Housewife, I would NEVER imply that the house is anything other than neat and tidy all the time. Unfortunately there is never an opportunity to have a chat with MIL - we seldom see one another and I don't think I'd be brave enough to call her. I wouldn't want to email for fear of it being circulated to SILs. Great idea to let them take DD out on their own, but MIL has recently had a hip operation and isn't particularly mobile. DD is also at an age when she is quite clingy and I couldn't send her out with a couple of strangers - after all - that's what her GPs are to her :(

Bump!

Should I be at home when they call round tomorrow and ask if she enjoyed her party (BIL posted that they were getting ready for the first party of the year on FB this afternoon, doesn't take a genius to work out that it was MIL's party, to which DH, DD and I were not invited). Or should I avoid confrontation and just not be at home?

Would really appreciate your suggestions on this!

what does the stick insect comment mean? that you are thin?

they sure are missing out. If I were closer (like same continent!) I'd like to be an honorary grandmother to your DD. We need another girl--four boys and one girl are our GC and that's will be all except if adoption occurs!

Awww bless you, HansieMom! Would love an honorary grandmother for DD - my mum's fantastic and makes up for the MIL's shortfall, but to have two doting GPs would be lovely :)

Well, the stick insect comment was made before I had DD and I was much slimmer back then! But yes, compared to MIL and both SILs, my family is really rather skinny.

hmmm, I don't know. some of what you are posting actually makes you come across as a bit judgemental of their lives and lifestyles. Maybe not your intention at all but could it be that they too have picked up on this?

Maybe too it does make more sense for the your DH's sister and SIL to be spending more time together if their babies are younger and closer in age? Did they know eachother already or for longer than hey have known you? maybe they have more in common and don't think you would want to take a much older baby to a baby group with their younger ones?

Hi cupcake,

I have read all your post.

re your comment:-
"Her relationship with DH has never been great, but he has always tried his best to keep his parents happy".

Not surprised to read that. So this is likely why he called her on her birthday despite the fact that this lot hadn't made any phone contact since last July. Children now adults who grew up in dysfunctional households more often than not have FOG; fear, obligation, guilt. Your DH has now come to the point where he's realised that these people are simply not worth it. I would think that his childhood was particularly unhappy with him being the scapegoat for his family's inherent ills; I note that his brother and sister are more favoured, they seem to be the golden children. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.

This is not so much to do with lifestyles but power and control instead. Your MIL seems to want to come across as the head of the household (where's FIL in all this; it would not surprise me at all if he was acting as a bystander within all this out of self preservation and want of a quiet life).

Coming yourself from a family where this type of dysfunction is thankfully unknown to you makes this even more difficult to deal with. You must both present a united front with regards to these people and if he chooses to eventually go no contact this decision of his will need to be respected. You need to protect your DD now from all this, not just start this process when she is older. These people do not really bring anything positive into your DDs life let alone yours and visits to them are probably made more often out of some sense of obligation/duty to them than anything else. She does not warrant uninterested grandparents.

Would your DH be willing or able to talk to someone impartial about this, at the very least you may well want to give him a copy of "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. You may want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by the same author. BACP re counselling are good and do not charge the earth.

BTW it is NOT your fault they are this way, you did not make them so. I don't know if you know much about your MILs childhood but I would put money on it that it was emotionally abusive. You are a threat to these people and they wish to continue their familial happy families charade unhindered hence MILs behaviour towards you. You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are truly no different in that regard.

Surround yourselves with positive role models and concentrate your energies instead on your own family unit. MIL and her cohorts will not change nor accept any responsibility for their actions because they are toxic and dysfunctional. Do not get sucked into their power games because this is what its really all about; power and control. I would go no contact absolutely with this lot; it will give you peace. No more visiting them separately at Christmas either (what's all that about?); that action just plays into their hands even more.

Yuleing - Thanks for your reply. I appreciate that some of what I wrote may have come across as being a little judgemental, but others have asked why I think they are the way they are, and after many years of trying to make sense of it all, this is what I think is the cause of the problems. There are seven months between their babies and my DD.

Attila - Your post has struck so many chords - yes, I think FIL is a bit of a bystander, he has been easier to get along with and generally more chatty than my MIL. Thankfully, as you said, I have not been exposed to this type of dysfunctionality before (and hope never to encounter it again). I will look into the books that you have recommended, although I'm not sure DH would be willing to go to counselling as he is just so accepting of the situation. Very interesting take on MIL having had an emotionally abusive childhood. You are absolutely right, I wouldn't tolerate this kind of behaviour from friends, but do not have to put up with it from anyone else, just because they are family.

DH and I had a bit of a chat about it this morning, I pointed out that they had been staying locally for over a week but at no point had they bothered to pick up the phone to arrange to meet up except for 10 minutes on the way back to the ferry today. The greatest gift grandparents can give their grandchildren is time and they couldn't give DD any more than 10 minutes on the way back home. So, taking the advice about making the most of the great family that I do have, I said I was going to go with DD to my parents so that she could spend time with GPs who love her dearly and give so much of their time to be with her. DH decided that he would come, too, and consequently nobody was at home when PIL came to visit. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not, just waiting for the email now asking why we weren't at home.

Thanks everyone for your support :)

How utterly hurtful on their part. What on earth is their problem?
Try not to let it get to you (although it would to me!).
Could you bear to ask them what you may have done to upset them?

I just wanted to set your mind at rest about something. You said you are worried your DD might want to know/get upset about her cousins being treated differently. When I was small my dad's mum didn't like my DM. She didn't like me and DSis as much as my 4 cousins. We didn't see GPs as often as cousins did, weren't invited round as much etc. When GF died when I was 8 my DF ceased all contact (not malicious just they didn't make an effort neitherdid he) Getting to the point my GPs (mum's parents) were loving and brilliant GPs. I never felt left out, never felt as though my parents had deprived me. My DCs now only have my parents as DHs have both passed away at relatively young ages. I hope this helps you ease your guilty feelings over your DD not seeing them if you decide to not bother.

I think they've had so many 'last chances' Clam, that this week just shows how little they really think of DH, myself and - in particular - DD.

Totally hurtful, perhaps it's intentional, perhaps it's not. I don't know. I hate confrontation and I really don't think I could bear to ask them what their problem is. I know DH asked them before we got married but they didn't have an answer (well, that's what he told me, anyway). One thing is for certain - I will not be making the three hour trip to visit them any more, nor will I send emails, make telephone calls or send birthday gifts. They were all deleted from my FB account years ago. The less they see of us or hear about what we're doing, the less they'll be able to talk about us with the SILs.

Although I feel desperately sad for DH, he knows that my family are his family now and it feels as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. They have been getting me down since I met DH and I have never been made to feel welcome in their [dysfunctional] family.

Although I wouldn't wish this sort of relationship with in-laws on anybody, it is good to know by reading all the other posts that I'm not the only one with such issues.

Sorry, NewYearsDaysie, our posts crossed. I do find your post reassuring and take great comfort in knowing that my family really make up for DH's family's shortcomings. We've talked about the possibility of no more contact on and off for a very long time, and each time we have maintained contact because we felt we couldn't deprive DD of a set of GPs. Now that they've had the chance to see DD but just haven't shown any interest, it just reaffirms my belief that by cutting our losses we would actually be doing the right thing. I feel more that I would be protecting DD from future hurt than depriving her of GPs now, which is a huge leap forward for me.

Unless you return their lack of warmth and affection with love - and do so consistently - the rift will never heal.

If you resist accepting this state of affairs and keep working at it and go out of your way with your MIL & FIL I bet your DH will love you greatly for it, I would. And who knows it might do the trick.

I've tried hard for over five years to please them, but it's like banging your head against a brick wall.

I've always been the one to nag remind DH to call his parents every couple of weeks, suggested that we visit them or invite them over to ours, bought the birthday cards and sent the Christmas cards, organised the presents (which, incidentally we never get any acknowledgement for, let alone a 'thank you'). I don't think anybody could ever say that I haven't tried.

Lunatic - That's really reassuring, thanks. I just feel that I need someone to say that I've tried hard enough for long enough and that it really is okay to give up and walk away.

Talking of cards, does anyone else find it almost impossible to find ones for relatives that don't gush e.g. wonderful, loving, kind mum - thanks for all you do etc etc?! Spent bloody hours looking for a plain old 'Happy Birthday Mum' card. Perhaps I should've just sent a gushing one just to make a point and not waste hours in card shops

Give up cupcake :)

I had in laws like this and they found fault with everything I did (and exH)

The bottom line was they were cross that I was slim, had a good job, lovely children ...and the golden child (their daughter) was about 24 stone, rough with her children, dropped out of school, job and was financially irresponsible and they found it hard to enjoy the golden girl when I was a totally different person. So I annoyed them whatever I did and probably more so the nicer I was to them?

My ex was pretty damaged by them and the cycle of trying to apease, make them like you etc was very very destructive

Lol at Lunatic!

Toothbrushthief - I completely identify with what you said. And definitely agree with the more I try to please them by doing the right thing, the more it annoys them - after all, how can a woman who works have a neat and tidy house, be a good hostess and the like, when women who are at home 24/7 (SILs) live in a mess and don't go to any trouble for guests?! Seems I just exaggerate their shortcomings!

Chocolatechipcookies - Yes, I thought that I would be welcomed into the IL's family in the same way that my family welcomed DH. I feel like I've been shortchanged and will never get the opportunity to swap them for nicer ones! And you are spot on about them not paying basic courtesies - I wouldn't tolerate that from friends, and they should be no different.

DH got The Email yesterday from MIL saying thanks for her birthday presents (note that it was sent to him, not me who paid for half of it and ordered it)! She also said that her and FIL were disappointed that they didn't see DD when they called round on Sunday on their way back home. DH has replied saying that they knew they were welcome to pop round any time in the week, so they had plenty of opportunity to see their GD if they had really wanted to. I wonder what her response will be to that...?

Off to find Toxic Inlaws on Amazon.....

Thanks for all your support - it's so reassuring to know that they have the problem and not me.

I'm glad you and DH are together on this.