DP is at work ALL the bloody time!

[hattieboo2012]

I live with my DP and we get on brilliantly. In so many ways he is a lovely, caring man, but one thing is really getting to me and he doesnt seem to understand my frustrations.

He is self employed and can choose the hours he works. So he chooses to work 5am - 7pm Monday to Friday and then just lately for about 4 months he's been working Saturday nights from 4pm til 7am Sunday morning. This means that through the week we see eAch other from 7pm til 9pm til we go to bed, and we're both so tired from work, and I tend not to see him at all Saturday except from when I say bye in the morning coz I work Saturday day, and then he sleeps all Sunday daytime, so I get from 4pm til we go bed about 9pm again ready for work the next day. Sometimes he even works 4:30pm til about midnight on a Sunday!!!

He says he has to work Saturday nights to 'get by' but we go out for nice meals at least once a week, have nice food shopping, and he's never short of cash. We also go away for the weekend every few months. He says he has to work these weekends so we can afford tondo these nice things but when his mates ask him to go out on a Saturday night, he can go out with them ( which he does about twice a month) but oh no, he never has a Saturday night off just to chill with me. He did take last Saturday off coz he was tired but that was the first in about 4 months, except for when we've had a few days away.

Stop going out for meal with him, and buying nice food, and stop going away for the weekend every few months. Say no to these things, then ask him to work less.

And I did tell him that it was getting to me and his response was to go in a mood, then a few days later he told be if anyone else had told him that, he'd have dumped them but because we have something special, he doesn't want that, but no matter how upset I am about the situation, nothing changes. We have no children btw.

I did angibolen and I told him I'd rather have him home at the weekends than doing luxury things but he said he enjoyed doing nice things and that's what life is all about.

New relationship or is he very young?

God don't have kids with him
You'll be really hacked off if you do and he'd rather go out than help with them

What does he do out of interest? Is he working away from the home all these hours or is he working at home doing paperwork....etc? Is it a physically demanding job? It just seems a very long time for someone to be working flat out without being completely and utterly exhausted

we been together just under a year. Thing is, with working all these hours I get very little help with the housework and the house is always a shit tip. He really is lovely but he can't seem to understand my unhappiness.

At least there are no children yet!
I think you either accept that he is a workaholic, and happy like this, and that the trade-off (eating out, weekends away) is worth the downsides.
Or, you decide you want a different balance to your life and separate.
If you decide on a) then you will need to think long and hard about whether you both want kids and how you would manage the family in that scenario

FWIW I know a few couples who are blissfully happy being child free- they go on amazing holidays, socialise lots and do a lot of stuff which would be really hard with children to consider. I am not criticising at all- its a valid choice. Though I would add that with these couples, both partners are very career driven so there's no sense of one partner hanging around and waiting for the other to be there.

At the very least, your partner is upfront about how he is- he is not pretending he will change, so you know where you stand and need to decide what you want

Could you afford a cleaner?

Why isn't he pulling his weight around the house? It's not a matter of you getting "help"?it's no more your job than it is his. How did he manage before you were around? Are you just saving him from having to pay a cleaner?
Why are you living together already? Whose idea was that?
It sounds as though you're the unpaid housekeeper, not his partner.
You've been together less than a year?
You should still be in the honeymoon phase. He should be anxious to make you happy, not threatening to give you the boot if you dare to voice your feelings.
Instead it sounds as though he's slotted you into the vacancy in his support staff and carried on exactly as before.
Why exactly are you with him?

tbh, I decided a while ago that it was a waste of time for me to get my then workaholic h to do more around the house. He simply didnt have the energy or the motivation, even though he regularly 'tried' for two weeks.

I stumbled across a solution for me when I started involuntarily to work less (although now id like more work). Working less and taking that stress off someone can help in the 'give' department, and allow you to negotiate some 'gets' (or have them heard properly). This may not help if the r is too far gone, which it doesnt sound as if yours is.

Solutions re housework which have worked for others I know include getting in domestic help if money isnt too tight, or moving house to somewhere smaller if money is too tight, so that there is enough to meet the basic needs and some 'fun' money left over. My h is the past always wanted more 'fun' money than I did, because my 'fun' money was a nive house and garden. These days I wish I had not argued for a bigger house against his wishes when we moved, because he worked even harder after that!

Surely the housework stuff is less the point than the taking time off to go out with his mates but not his partner? Basically he puts both friends and work before you. In under a year. Not a great look out. And not at all good if you want kids (and any sort of life for yourself after kids).

You either need to call time on this now, or start serving him up the same treatment. Start going out much more with your friends (or even round to their houses). Do the nice things with them. Tell him, if he asks, it's because he isn't around enough. If he isn't bothered, well, you have your answer. If he is, you need to sit down and renegotiate the way free time works.

I don't think going out with his friends twice a month is unreasonable when you go out together for a meal once a week. Why should he take a night off just to chill in front of the telly on a saturday?

Do you go out with your friends? Or does your world revolve around him?

You've moved in together awfully fast. You need to get things sorted out so you're not clearing up after him like a skivvy - there's no reason when there are just the two of you that the house should be a shit-tip.

Get what is wrong here for you sorted out before you get in any deeper into the relationship - if he offers more commitment, don't expect it to change his ways, it'll just make it harder to withdraw. What you accept now, is what you will get for as long as the relationship endures. Marriage/kids etc will not magically solve it, get it right before any of that.

He really is lovely but he can't seem to understand my unhappiness.

And it is unlikely he ever will. You have been quite clear, and he doesn't want to know.

Stop waiting for him to change (he won't), and decide for yourself what you can and cannot accept.

And don't have children with him: you are already only number 3 on his priority list. From what you describe, it is doubtful that he would put children above his own wants and needs.

I think you shouldn't live with him. There's no point, really, is there? He does whatever he likes, whilst posing as someone who's doing his best for you. Seeing someone for such a short time each day and then not seeing them really at all at the weekend is just rubbish, particularly if you don't have children.

Start to look around at flats for yourself.

Just wondering what sort of job he has where he's working at 5 in the morning and all of Saturday night.

Thanks for all your replies. He's a minicab driver.

I spend 90% of time without him in a week because he's at work and only 10% with him, with that he's mostly asleep.

And is that enough for you, hattie?
Because that's the deal he's offering.

No, it's not HotDamn, when I first met him he said he worked a 5 day week, which has crept up to 6 and a half days. He doesn't seem to be taking into account my upset at the situation.

Being self employed can be pretty scary business. Perhaps he feels he needs to have money to fall back on if times get hard.

He's a workaholic, he will not change. You need to decide if you can live with it or not. Personally I could but some people need more. Speak to him again to see if there is any other reason he is working all hours.