friendships.. having a tricky time.. please help

[NeverKnowinglyUnderstood]

Please don't slate me - am trying to word this as nicely as possible.

I have aquaintances - am friendly person, smiley chatty, talk to anyone type.
I have friends - fair number of people to go shopping with or out for a coffee etc.
I have 2 or 3 very close friends

One of my friends is upset with me because I obviously don't "value our friendship the way she does" She is GREAT I love her to bits, she has a lovely family. But no I guess I don't value the friendship the way she does. She doesn't have many friends and doesnt really do aquaintances, our friendship feels quite high maintenence.

I am a relaxed person, open house, take me as you find me. I am a total failure with friendships that take more than they give.

Idon't really know how to move forward. I really want us to stay friends, I want our kids to enjoy each others company as much as they do now. Our husbands go out once a fortnight together, but I seem to fail when it comes to the depth of friendship she wants. HELP

What does she want?

"value the friendship" could mean anything.

What does she expect to see that demonstrates that you 'value' the friendship?

I suspect it has something to do with you having other friends/a life away from her/not prioritising her at all times? something along those lines?

that is exactly it Hecate.. I am not going to drop everything else.

For example last week a group of us were going to the pub, she didn't want to, but she did fancy a get together and she was disappointed that we didn't all change plans to do what she wanted.

I thought so

Perhaps you need to tell her that you love her, but your life does not revolve around her. She is a part of your life, she is not your life.

In a nice way, of course

OK so HELP how does one say that in a Nice way??

I have no clue. See, I'd just say it that way.

Can you figure out a way of pointing out that it works both ways; she doesn't want her life to revolve around you either (even if you think she does, she won't think that) - you didn't want to change your plans to fit in with her, but she didn't want to change her plans/wishes to fit in with you either.

Friendship can't always be doing what the other person wants; if both parties did that nobody would ever do what they want. It has to be give and take. Ask her if she is feeling that it is too one way at the moment and talk about why (even if she thinks it is; if you discuss why, you may either find out what is really bothering her, or it may become obvious to her that it isn't as one way as she thinks)

In any case, the more you listen, draw her out, rather than talking/telling her/defending yourself, the better she will probably feel, even if you don't actually change anything. And if you do end up understanding a bit better where she is coming from, you may be able to do what you do while saying things that make it easier for her

Sorry, a bit waffly.

no, waffly is fine, I really do value our friendship and want it to continue but when she says things like that it does make me feel that my depth of friendship isn't as hers is.

At Christmas I was poorly and again at new year, and when I bumped into her I got the cold shoulder for not thanking her for the gift she popped under the tree. We had had a misunderstanding and I thought we had agreed not to do gifts (open conversation about it before Christmas)
She hadn't allowed for me being ill at all..

Sounds more that she is self absorbed and demanding than you not "valuing" her. I bet she has this problem a lot

could you tell her you are hurt that she didn't allow for 'how ill you had been'? (bit of reciprocal 'hurt' might put things into balance?)

has she always been like this? is there maybe something else bugging her?

i personally wouldn't say that. i would just carry on and she'll have to get the message.

you can say things like 'sorry you don't feel that i value our friendship - it's not true, i do - it's just that we had lots of other people to consider' or whatever it is.

On reflection that was a fairly rubbish idea, unless you actually were hurt.

I would still try to do the listening bit

If it doesn't get anywhere, maybe she is just hard work and you have to figure out if you can work with that.

thanks ladies,
she isn't hard work, she is a great lady, it has just thrown me the whole value of friendship thing.
I can't transmogrify myself into a different person even if tried. I think perhaps just carrying on as we are is the thing and if we are still friends in a few years then ok and if we have drifted then that is perhaps what is meant to be.

It is quite a big deal to say what she has said to you. Most people would have too feel really put out or unhappy for a long while to say that. I would think it must be something specific you have done, or maybe more than one thing? Can you ask her to be more specific about what she expects from you?