We've been married forever (20 odd yrs + 5 children) and for most of those years I've thought about leaving him.....or rather I've been telling him to leave but he would never go.
There have been good times and periods when things have been ok and I think "oh it's not that bad", he's hard working, hands on with the children, helpful round the house, generous with money and loves us a lot BUT he has a nasty temper.
We've put up with his outbursts for years, the outbursts are mainly directed at the children, he'll just erupt over nothing and shout and swear and throw things.
Last week he lost it with my 8yr old because she was whining about the food in her lunch box, he threw a tub of mini rolls at her (the plastic tubs you get in M&S) and it hit her in the face. I had alrady left for work when it happened, he told me about it when I got home but said he'd thrown it at the bin and it bounced off and hit her face.
DD said his version of event is incorrect, she says he threw it at her....she saw it flying towards her "in a straight line" and I believe her. I told him he had to leave this time and he has.
It's what I've wanted for years, so why oh why do I feel so bad?
Why do I keep thinking how awful it would feel if he found somebody else?
Why do I feel so sad and keep thinking of all the happy times over the years?
Why do I keep thinking it would be better if he stayed?
Yet when he was here earlier to collect some more things and see the children I felt irritated by him and wanted him to go?
Why when he isn't here do I miss him but when he is here I want him to go?