Am I being stupid? (long, sorry)

[mummypi]

Hello, new to mn, hope you all don't mind me having a bit of a moan...

Married for nearly 3y - met dh at work, fell in lust, conceived ds and married 7 months after meeting... not a lot of time to get to know each other properly! At the time I saw dh as a confident, accomplished, intelligent man with a gsoh, and it was all very intense because he was unhappily in a rlship at the time and left her for me.

He earns good money, is intelligent and accomplished, and does have a gsoh.. but it's rather different to mine. He does more than his 50% of household chores and childcare. We both work FT. The trouble is that he is very solitary - doesn't like socialising, unlike me. He doesn't have any friends - he says that this upsets him but he won't do anything about it. He's also v blunt, to the point of rudeness, including to my family and friends. He just sees it as calling a spade a spade, I think, but it makes me uncomfortable and I don't want my friends to have to say, "Oh, it's OK, I haven't taken it personally, it's just him"... I think the upshot is that we're very different people. He thinks this is a positive thing (!) but I don't know. It doesn't feel like we're actually friends.

On top of everything else I am completely lacking in sex drive atm and I don't really even want to kiss him most of the time. If I've wanted to go out at all over the last few years I've had to go out either by myself in a group of couples or borrow someone, and now it's got to the point that although he says he want to come out places with me (because I've told him that this upsets me), I'd actually rather go by myself.

We've had lots of talks about these things, and he has actually changed a lot of the behaviours that have been a problem in the past, like putting me down all the time or saying things without thinking how they might make me feel. Unfortunately there is lots of baggage there and I've tried to forgive him for being hurtful and very unsupportive in the past (eg of a big career change which has worked out really well for me) but it's almost as if it's too late... something died with all that hurt and I can't revive it.

We've been to relate, but that was not much help - he said all the right things (he's not stupid) and I ended up looking completely neurotic as she jumped on the fact that I have depression and am on ADs.

I have wondered ++ whether he's actually got Asperger's or similar as he has real trouble relating to other people; he calls it social phobia but won't seek help and won't talk to anyone but me about his problems. He also has incredibly low self esteem and although he will now consider things like going on holidays, it's taken a hell of a lot of effort on my part to get him to do anything at all that involves leaving the house. Maybe depressed too.

Am I being stupid? Have I, in fact, got a great dh who has his probs (as do I) but is a great dad and does so much more around the house than any of my friends' dhs... or am I stuck in a marriage without a real foundation of friendship and love? This isn't a new problem - I've been feeling like this for a long time, even since we first were married.

Any thoughts? Sorry for the long post..

How come all of this is his problem? You haven't mentioned anything that you do wrong.

I think 7 months was an awfully short time to put your whole into this man. But we are all different and imo it's these differences that make a relationship exciting. My dh isn't that social either, he's quiet and can also come across as bumbling, he's quite slow on the uptake and by the time he's finished his story, the conversation has moved on heaps! We are different in lots of ways, but I accept this about him and he accepts my differences.

You've said that he has changed to fit in with you, but how have you changed to fit in with him? I think you just need to be more accepting. You cannot change people and nor should you. This is the man you have married. Sorry to be blunt, but that's just how it is.

You either work at accepting him, including his faults. Or you decide that you were too rash in committing too soon and you call it a day.

Thanks for the honesty Rhubarb - appreciated

Good point - I'm lazy re housework (winds him up), I find it difficult to say when something's upset me - but I am trying to change this and make more of an effort to talk, I can be selfish re wanting my own hobbies/ time. And I'm too introspective!

I do know that this relationship was my choice - I just need another pov re whether you can choose to love, or whether if it's gone, it's gone. Thanks

It sounds to me as though he's ticking a lot of boxes. Any relationship takes a lot of work to tend and maintain and nobody can ever be a 'perfect match'. If you fell in lust initially, then you obviously had the sexual spark in the first place, which is important. The 'thrill' will naturally wear off in any long term relationship and as I've said it takes effort to maintain.

As Rhubarb has wisely said, you need to either accept him as he is or move on.

hi mummypi -didn't want your post to go unanswered even though I can't really give you an answer.
Some more questions though...
Could the lack of sex drive be a symptom of hard work and children as so many on MN find and not just your irritation with your dh?
How do you feel about him when you are alone together - do you still enjoy his company?
Could you build yourself a social life without him whilst still being happy to live with him? (my dh is socially incompetent too and I've found after several years that I am much happier with him when we are alone and happier socialising without him -saves so many arguments based on the you were so rude to my friend theme)
Looking at it bluntly if he doesn't /wont/ can't change would you be happier alone or as he is now?
Is he prepared to see that you are unhappy and he needs to make an effort to change or is he not willing to make an effort?

Answers on a postcard please!

Marriage is hard and requires a lot of effort. I remember someone a lot wiser than me once saying that if you act as though you really like someone, then lo and behold! You actually do start to like them! Sounds implausible but this does work. Be nice to him, make him cups of tea, do things together, he will then start being nice to you and as a result you will both start liking each other a lot better!

It's easy to be critical, much harder to be positive.

Shimmy21 - he does know that I'm unhappy and is trying to change. I really cannot fault him for the effort he's putting into making this work, and I am trying to do the same but I keep coming back to the question of whether I really want it to work. I suppose I've always envisaged socialising with my dh, not separately, but you clearly find that this works. Maybe I'm just being idealistic.

rhubarb - I do try to do nice things for him, and we do get on day-to-day... it just seems superficial. I know it's harder to be positive - actually it's ironic that you mention that as he does tend to be v negative about everything except ds and me - just another aspect of our different approach to life I suppose.

Just as an aside, the ADs probably have a lot to do with your lack of libido (at least, I'm really hoping it's that with me and that when I come off them I'll be a raving nympho )

From what you've said he has made the effort to modify some of the behaviour that upsets you. He's also gone to Relate with you. Those are huge positives - many men will not even attempt to meet you halfway. Ultimately, however, as others have said - he is who he is and you can't change that.

To me, it sounds like there are a lot of good things there and that it's worth working at - and marriages are work, no doubt about it. But that's me, a stranger, peering in from the outside - only you can know, deep down, whether you can be happy in this marriage and if you can accept him warts and all.

Fwiw, I rarely socialise with my dh. He is rather lacking in the friends department too, whereas I have (and need) friends, my own space, and a social life. This does sometimes cause problems as I feel he needs me to be all things to him whereas I am more 'independent'. Does that make sense? We compromise. Well, we row as well and he says "you're going out again?" and I say "yup, and it's not my fault your a Norman No Mates" and other things of a sympathetic nature. We have to try and make time to do things together - not easy with two kids - but we do manage to go out for the occasional meal. It kind of works

hurrah for raving nymphos!!

thanks all - it really helps to know that this isn't an unusual situation and that other people make it work. I think I was in need of a bit of a kick up the @rse, hence the post.

SorenLorensen - I'll def be using the Norman no-mates line lol

as someone said on a different thread - Make An Effort. marriage needs it, that's for sure and you have your baby to think about too. surely it's too soon to call it a day at this point, when there is much that is right and when he is prepared to try to change, and has?