Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't want to see my uncle, even though he is dying

15 replies

MyUncle · 28/01/2012 00:16

When I was a kid, I adored my uncle. (Let's call him A.) He was a lot younger than my Dad, his older brother. He used to come and visit us in his red sports car; he brought us books; he talked to my brothers and me as if we were grown-ups.

As we kids got older, A brought his beautiful girlfriend (B) with him on his visits. I loved them both. Then A married B. They had children. We visited them occasionally, but they rarely visited us. Then, I suppose, they moved - as they stopped getting in touch.

Time drifted on. Eventually A got got back in contact with my Dad and my lovely aunt (the sister of Dad and of A). But even then it was one-sided: either Dad or my lovely aunt would phone A. He would very rarely phone either of them back.

Then my Dad got ill. His sister (my lovely aunt) and her (now grown-up) children were around.

Dad died. A came to his funeral. This was 15 years ago. Neither I, my brother, nor my Dad had seen him for at least 10 years. Still, nice of him to come.

Ten years later (5 years ago) my Mum died. My brother contacted A to let him know both that she had died and when the funeral would be, but got no reply.

Now my lovely cousin, daughter of my lovely aunt, has phoned my brother to let us know that A is dying. She (not him) has asked if we would like to see him before he dies.

He is 67. He has 3 children, aged 30 to 40, and naturally I feel sorry for them, and for his wife (B). And of course I feel sorry for A too, as a human being - but even though I remember him from my childhood with much affection, he has not been a part of my life for many years. And of course he may not want to see me or my brother, either - why should he, indeed, seeing as he hasn't made any attempt to keep in touch?

My lovely cousin, though, thinks we might regret it if we don't see A before he dies.

What would you do?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 28/01/2012 00:23

He may not have been a big part of your adult life, but thats the way it pans out sometimes. He was a big part of your childhood memories though by the sounds of it, and he has never done you any harm or been nasty to you.

People do drift, even families...

I think you would regret it, and if I were you, I would want to see him.

MyUncle · 28/01/2012 00:35

No, not nasty, as you say. In fact a lovely part of my childhood memories.

He didn't even acknowledge my mother's death (to my brother and me, I mean), and I suppose I find that hard to deal with even now.

OP posts:
VelcroFanjo · 28/01/2012 00:39

If you find the fact that he didn't acknowledege your mums death hard you may need a little..."closure". Not seeing him may make these feelings worse in the long term.

izzyisin · 28/01/2012 00:59

If A had asked to see your brother and/or yourself, I feel sure that either his wife or one of his dc would have found a way to make direct contact with you.

IMO this is a time for A and his immediate family and, after the passing of so many years without contact, I wouldn't feel at all comfortable about intruding on their privacy and, no doubt, their grief without being specifically invited to do so by them.

As for regretting not seeing a relative/friend before their death - if I had been asked to visit before the end and hadn't done so then, yes, I would regret it; otherwise, wherever possible, I prefer to remember my departed loved ones in their prime rather than have my memories haunted clouded by visions of them as shadows of their former selves.

If you brother contacted A by snail mail to let him know of your dm's passing, could it be that the letter was lost in the post? In any event, your charming and colourful memories of A and his red sports car, the books, the way he talked to you, his lovely girlfrend and all of the associated images filed away in your brain are part of your life history and there is no need to add any further stitches to that portion of your unique tapestry.

izzyisin · 28/01/2012 01:03

The only way you can obtain the loathsome word 'closure' as to why A didn't attend your dm's funeral would be to ask him and IMO it would be singularly inappropriate to turn up univited at what may be his deathbed in order to pop the question, so to speak.

Portofino · 28/01/2012 01:07

I would not go out of my way to visit a dying relative that I did not see regularly (or at least keep in contact with). What would be the point?

MyUncle · 28/01/2012 01:49

Thank you all for responding to my rant.

izzyisin - many thanks. I think you may be right; but will read the whole of your message again. (But no - not snail mail.)

Squeaky - thanks again.

Velcro and Portofino - thank you. I think those are good points.

OP posts:
mouldyironingboard · 28/01/2012 14:42

Sorry if this sounds insensitive but will you go to the funeral after he dies? I think if it were me, I'd go to visit him while he's still alive, because you can't change what has happened in the past. Even if he didn't do the 'right' thing you can be the better person here.

kodachrome · 28/01/2012 15:06

I think since it's coming from your interfering cousin rather than the uncle asking, I wouldn't feel obliged to go.

warthog · 28/01/2012 16:11

you could visit him and tell him you were hurt he didn't contact you after your mum died. tough i know.

but that way you'll get closure, you'll see him before he dies and you might understand a bit more from his side, forgive him and put it all to rest.

Merran · 28/01/2012 17:35

You could contact his wife and offer sympathy. Decide based on her reply perhaps?

izzyisin · 28/01/2012 17:48

Surely A's deathbed isn't the place for the OP to express her hurt that he didn't respond to notification of her dm's funeral, warthog?

gardenplants · 28/01/2012 17:52

Is it possible that A did not get the message about your mother's death? Was it actually said to him or could a communication have gone astray?

izzyisin · 28/01/2012 18:01

I'm sure it'll be immensely cheering for someone who's on their deathbed, and about to be carried off in a box themselves, to be reminded of a funeral they didn't attend. Don't forget to take a bunch of grapes with you, OP.

MyUncle · 30/01/2012 20:59

izzy, you made me laugh.

A couple of points: yes, he did know about my Mum (my brother spoke to his wife on the phone at the time). And I don't think my cousin is being interfering - she's just hoping we won't regret not seeing him.

Having thought about it a bit more, I don't think I will go to see A. (I won't go to the funeral either - if I was going to do either, I'd see him while he's still alive.) I'll keep my colourful childhood memories, and try not to dwell on the recent years of estrangement.

Many thanks to all of you for taking the time and trouble to read the rambly OP and to post your thoughts.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page