Is it wrong to tell the truth about relationships ?

[Heswall]

My daughter is of an age where she is asking questions about why things are cool between my mother and I, I don't know what to say. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive and so she's been kept at arms length. DD is not close to her gran, nothing in common and not allowed unsupervised access. Should I explain why ? I'll be honest I will loose contact once the DC's are adults.

How old is your daughter?

And no. It's not wrong to tell the truth about relationships.

Shitty people get away with being shitty because people try to cover for them when they really should just say yes, this person did such and such.

But when it's a child you're talking about, the most important thing is that you don't frighten them. For whatever reason, your daughter still sees your mother, so if you tell her exactly what happened, she may be afraid. So perhaps that would be a reason to not tell her the specifics. Maybe just that sometimes people don't really get along. Or something.

Someone much more sensible and knowledgeable than me will come along and give you far better advice.

I dont have a huge amount of experiance with this but my exp was abusive to me, he no longer see's the kids and I have often wondered this same thing for when they get older and start asking questions.
I would try and keep to the facts only and keep your personal feelings for you mother to one side, it is important for you dd to form her own opinion of your mum without being influenced by yours. I hope that makes sense. If she is asking questions then she must already know that there are issues between you two so I guess you will be filling in the gaps.

My mother was emotionally and physically abusive

"When I was your age, she used to hit me and call me names. We try to keep bullies at a distance, so that's why we don't see much of her."

The thing is my mother would lie and deny or say I was exaggerating, she did at the time throughout my childhood and that's how she got away with it so I would need to be fairly specific.
My children know they are safe and would never ever be hurt so I wonder if at 11 she is old enough to know and form her own opinions on that basis.
It worries me more if they do not know the facts that they might feel sorry for poor lonely gran, when there's a bloody good reason for it.

She's old enough.

garlic that's such a wonderful phrase to use.

I think you need to be direct with your daughter, but like the other posters have said keep it fairly factual. You can so how much it upset you and how hurt you've been by it. I'm sure your DD will understand.

There are lots of good films and books that maybe you could use to help her understand. Even something as simple as Stand By Me might be a good place to start. I loved that film at her age, and the abuse of River Phoenix's character is not the centre of the movie so not too upsetting. Once Were warriors is probably at bit much.

Tell her that some people are nasty, and soften it by adding that this is because there is something wrong with them, they are 'broken', which is why they try to hurt other people - and that it's better to keep a bit of distance from such people rather than let ourselves be repeatedly hurt and upset by them.

The worry is if i'm too tactful i'll end up the bad guy for not forgiving, which i think i have actually done a pretty good job of as she has been allowed to even lay eyes on the DC at all.

Thank you, LadyM!

Heswall, it's more likely DD will feel sorry for the child you were. Are you underestimating your achievement in having become a mother who does support her children with kindness? Your own children won't have the same conflicted feelings you did.

Compassion does include self-compassion, and can involve limiting other people's potential to do harm. 11 isn't too young to grasp that idea - though I wouldn't raise the issue until they do. They must have encountered bullies at some stage so part of the 'compassion' conversation has already begun :)

It's sounding a little as though you still have some residual fear of Bad Things Happening If You Tell - understandable if so, but please remember you are a completely different mother from the one you had! Keep it short and simple as everyone's suggested, and I think you'll find she simply understands. Good luck.

My almost 11 year old would get that kind of explanation perfectly.