Horrible Ex husband help needed - my solicitor is hopeless ( but very expensive)!! sorry, long rant ahead

[jj1978]

Please can someone help me?
I left my husband just over three years ago. He seemed to have some form of personality disorder (I now believe) he was occassionally violent but the mental abuse was crippling. he was a gambler, heavy drinker and compulsive liar, albeit very believable.
I moved 200 miles away from him, and finally issued for divorce earlier this year after having to get the police involved. I found him in my house a few times and he was becoming very controlling and angry at me as I wouldnt behave like his 'wife' anymore.
He decided in the summer that it was too difficult to get involved with the children anymore as they didnt want to spend time with him unless I was there, so he told my 7year old boy not to bother seeing him anymore, to his face. he then wrote to my solicitor, through his, to say he would no longer see the children until they were grown up. following a very tough time to stabilise my children and settle them into a happy life he is writing to them about what he is up-to and including bags of sweets, thats fine, except he has just started to write in the middle of the letters that I am not allowing him to see them, and that I have banned all contact and how sad it is making him!
I have just spent over 3k on the divorce which I am still paying off (he got legal aid!) he kept the house and all contents, all of our possessions and his very hefty pension from the navy, I didnt get anything as my solicitor said it would be too expensive. now she is charging me excruciating amounts for family advice but wont give me great advice on my rights regarding my ex. and quite frankly I dont know what else to do. he still terrifys me and Ive had enough. Any sound advice???

How would contact even happen with that distance?

I suppose he could take it to court and get a contact order. What evidence do you have that says he should have no contact?

He used to travel down every once a month or so then it started to dwindle so in the half term and summer holidays I would take the children up to see him (and his family) and I would stay in a local B&B but the last trip I took the kids up and he stated he didnt want to see them. My solicitor wrote to his, after he formally wrote to us saying he would not persue contact, and said that should he wish to see them in the future that he would have to go via a family thingy, but the response was that he no longer wanted to see them. now 6 months later he is saying its me that has stopped it. should I let the children read these letters or what do I do now?
very confused

You've paid £3000 to divorce the twunt and you haven't had a penny from the sale of the marital home, the contents/other assets, and his pension? Is he paying shedloads of child support/mantenance?

Are you now divorced? Has the Absolute been applied for/granted?

You've obviously lost confidence in your solciitor - and I'm not surprised as she sounds about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.

You poor love, I wonder if anyone has a recommendation for a good solicitor? If you're not happy with the one you've got, time to get rid I think.

Firstly, don't let the DC see the letters if they are 7 and under. It's too much for them to cope with. Secondly, do get a better solicitor a good one will work with you to keep this man as far out of your lives as possible: you say you 'found him in the house' - you need an exclusion order to make sure he doesn't appear again. You can cut all contact between him and yourself ie you need never see or speak to him again. Not ever. If he wants to see the DC and pushes it as far as going to court for contact, you can arrange that all contact is sorted out via someone else, and that can be stopped if he behaves badly - for instance, if he is a violent alcoholic you can insist on blood tests etc or contact can be refused if he turns up pissed.

From what you've said, I don't see that you have any need for 'family advice' from this useless solicitor.

Have you got a copy of the letter he wrote via his solicitor saying that he didn't intend to have contact with the dc until they were grown up?

If so, use it to start a file. If letters arrive for the dc saying or implying that you've stopped contact/won't let him see them, add them to the file and show it to your dc when they are old enough to understand and secure enough not to be unduly hurt by his conduct.

'finally issued for divorce earlier this year after having to get the police involved'

Do you mean that you have only just instigated proceedings for divorce? If so, why are you paying off £3000 solicitors' fees when the final bill isn't yet known?

Ok, thanks all for your responses. so at the moment Im pretty certain that he is writing these letters to try and get a response from me, negative or otherwise. They have been increasingly directed at me, my friend suggested returning the letter explaining that they are not suitable but I dont feel contacting him is the right thing to do. I asked my solicitor to write and make sure he was told that he was not allowed to contact me directly after I had several months of abusive calls/texts last summer.
I do have the letter from his solicitor stating he has no intention of seeing them until they were much older, I understand that I need to keep them for the children when they get older but just dont know what Im supposed to do in the meantime. Should the children write back? Should I hide the letters from them? Should I contact my solicitor with them? although I think I need to change solicitors!
Ive had a really long day today at work and just feel so frustrated to come home to this! wish it would all go away

Sorry izzyisin I am fully divorced now,it started last january I forgot we are in a completley new year!

When I divorced years ago the first solicitor was shite. Changed halfway through and they were fabulous. It really was chalk & Cheese.

I'd suggest going to see another solicitor and see what they can do to help, sounds like you've got a case to me that your solicitor has not acted on your best interest but not sure whether you have an actual 'case' that you can so anything about it.

What area are you in? I can recommend a really good competent solicitor in the North Surrey area. Not cheap but I got exactly what she said I would and I know from others that she has delivered the goods for them too.

Hide the letters from the children, keep everything on file and also report the letters to the police: this man has been told not to contact you.

If that is your final settlement that is appalling - unless there are other assets or an enormous lump some youve not mentioned - I think you need to make a complaint to the Practice and to the Solicitor's regulation authority. Go and chat to another solicitor and get their opinion on all this.

So sorry for dealing with this. Keep the police involved, get help from women's aid or other support groups. He is acting horrendously.

Agree with Ladymedea about the final settlement. This is a pathetic amount. The house should be sold and the proceeds at least divided 50%, plus as I understand it ongoing maintenance and a portion of that hefty pension.

Please see another solicitor! How are you expected to pay 3k with children from the marriage to care for and no proceeds from it?

Are you sure she really is a solicitor? Because that "advice" is the worst I've ever heard of. Maybe she's your ex's secret lover; that's the only rational explanation for giving you such totally skewed information. Oh, unless you're not in the UK, there may be different divorce laws where you live?

HI all. I live in Rugby (warwickshire) no there was no final lump sum or any other amount. as my Dad stated I am probably the only woman in the world to come out of a divorce penniless! I have drawn a line under the divorce settlement now as its too much to cope with, but its the children thing that is bothering me so much. My solicitor was so rubbish throughout the divorce, I ended up having to question everything and it was all for nothing in the end. The letters he is writing to the children seem perfectly fine to start with then he starts to drop things in such as,'' its such a shame your mummy has banned me from seeing you'' and ''I wish you were allowed to visit me'' which is so frustrating as I was driving the children over 400 mile round trip just to see him and pay hotel expenses, but it was him who stopped contact. The thing is I know him very well and I think this is his way of playing mind games to get at me. before he would text or ring, if I didnt answer within a few hours he would file a missing persons report and get the police round, but he has been warned not to contact me direct so now he's using the letters - or am I just paraniod?? CSA are making sure that he does now pay maintenance - although I have no idea how he got it to be such a tiny amount. All I can say is thank God for my flexible employer.

How to complain about a solicitor starting point here.

I've never heard of a man who came out of a divorce with nothing but bills to show for it, either. A couple of male colleagues both got divorced around the same time I did and both seemed to have been served very badly by their expensive solicitors too, but neither came out of it with so spectacularly little as the OP. In both cases the wife kept the marital home because she was looking after the children in it, although the husband would receive a portion of the value (less than 50%) when the youngest child reached 18, which I think is fairly standard. My solicitor, on the other hand, cost less than half as much but was factual and supportive and did exactly what I wanted him to. He specialised in family law and I wonder whether that made all the difference. Or maybe the effectiveness of solicitors is in inverse proportion to their cost!

Ok...

First piece and most important piece of advice: Get rid of this solicitor, get him to send a final letter to your ex informing him that the firm is no longer instructed to deal with your case. Get solicitor to provide a copy of it.
(that way if ex continues to send letters to this solicitors you are not charged for forwarding and if he sends something important to him, you can rightly claim you didn't know about it, once the are no longer instructed they don't forward anything to you).

Letters that are not suitable shouldn't be passed. Your children have enough with all the changes they have had to their life, no more pain/confussion needed. He sends a nice letter you pass it on, he doesn't... tough. Your children come first.

Question is... has he formally requested seeing his children to YOU after he sent the letter saying he didn't want to see them until they were older?

If not, just ignore. He won't have a leg to stand on court if he ever decides to take you there for contact. And he can claim whatever he wants but as long as you are happy to let your children have contact with their father when they want, they will know it is not you who is obstructing contact no matter what the other parent says.

thats good news, he hasnt requested a visit he just whinges about me blocking contact ( I never have done ) in the letters he writes to the children, and makes threats through them. I finally spoke to my mum about it today and she has said that she will open the letters from now on as he cant upset her as much as he does me, My son is getting very confused and he is normally a very sweet boy but at the moment he is very emotional so I think its best he doesnt see them unless they are nice. its just good to know that I wont be in trouble for doing that! I left it with him, via solicitors letters, that he should seek contact through a solicitor but he is trying to do it through the children I think now.
I really appreciate everyone responding, it can be very lonely! all of the websites have the ex-husband as the victim and no-one seems to write about the wife. I will look at the website regarding the solicitor, maybe I will put it down to experience though!
Thanks all x

Change your solicitor and show your children the letter their father sent his solicitor

Rabid, that might not be quite a a good idea... how do you think a young child might feel looking at such evidence of long term parental rejection?

I much rather get the blame than inflict such pain onto my child.