Why is my dh such a total numpty?

[lunavix]

I'm sooooo tired of his strops at the moment.

We've both got a lot on our plates, I'm now working full time, as is he, ds has hit the terrible twos, and I'm 9 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe sickness. I've got a ton of paperwork both household and business, he's finishing his dissertation and applying for new jobs, and I'm also responsible for all the cooking and cleaning. He does try to help but not as much as he'd like to think lol!

I'm usually tired.. I try to fight on over it but before I fell pregant I had a bad overactive thyroid, and as I said it seems to have gone but I'm still knackered. However 'i'm too tired' is dh's little watchword... he gets up at 7.45 when he has to be at work for 8, so he doesn't do anything but rage through the house like a tornado, and as a general rule if I dare to say I'm tired I usually get a curt 'well I'M TIRED TOO' back.

He loses his temper a lot, at the time he will try his hardest to upset me, he used to then regret it but now he seems to get a bit of satisfaction when I cry, and just keep going a bit longer.

Yesterday he brought up how his mum wants to take ds away for a week (ds is currently 21 months) and I've said no. She had him for 4 nights last year for our honeymoon and I hated it. I missed him so much. I've said she can have him for 3 nights, but apparently I'm selfish (this and 'snide' are his two pet names for me apparently) and he's going to tell her she can have him anyway. Either way it ended with him shouting at me that I'm unreasonable and him throwing stuff across the room.

Today he came in from work and started on me about why I hadn't tidied our porch. About 3 weeks ago I sorted out our room and had a pile of bits that didn't really have a home or were to sell, so moved them into the porch. It's a bit of a state, and ironically yesterday I'd made a list of the jobs I need to do around the house and was going to talk to dh about when I'd have the time to do them (ie when he'd watch ds)

I said I might do it this weekend if I get a chance... so he's rared up telling me I have to do it today. I feel so sick still, I haven't eaten properly for weeks, I woke up with swollen glands and a bad sore throat, and I can't even look at the kitchen without feeling nauseaous. So he shouts at me 'FINE I'LL DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE'. Yesterday he brought some ironing down to do (that and the washing are his household jobs) but only did 5 items. He decided to do the washing up instead (to help me out) but then decided to go to bed and do it this morning. This morning he was 'tired' and will do it after work.. I said I need to have it done cos I have people coming round (I work from home) So I got 'WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT' shouted at me. I explain, he promised he'd do it yesterday or today, and I suppose I can do it but just looking at food and dirty plates makes me throw up. Although I don't know why I bother telling him, he has no sympathy at all. Plus I'm not actually in today, as he knows.

I don't know why I'm ranting... I'm just so so tired of his temper. It's always been bad, this time last year we broke up, and ended up at a relate session, which was pointless as he doesn't think he has a temper and so he won't do anything about it.

Why does he do this?

could you go back to Relate?

poor you, i would have thought you had enough on your plate without him acting like a spoilt child. his behaviour really is unreasonable.

what happened at relate? did you just stop going when he wouldn't acknowledge there was a problem with him? does he realise how unhappy he's making you at the moment?

....and do you love him?

I do love him but this wears me out. It really does.

I know I'm not perfect, I'm no angel, I do strop too. Although he tells me that I'm not allowed to be in a bad mood, as it is then 'taking it out on him'. So If I'm ever in a bad mood, and I say 'please just don't talk to me, I'll get over it in 10 minutes' he rares up and it ends up worse.

Apparently all these fights are my fault as I 'wind him up'. About a week ago, he wrapped ds in his (dh) dressing gown, in bed to keep him warm (though we have blankets) he got stroppy when I told him to pull the tie out as I said he could strangle himself, then when we got into bed he started playing nintendo and I tried to get to sleep. Then after thinking about it I said could you take it off him, I'm worried it's too heavy (huge egyptian cotton thing) and he might not be able to kick it off.

It started an almighty row where apparently i was 'winding him up' I'm selfish, a lazy bitch, do it myself, he's in bed why should he have to get up, of course ds won't suffocate I'm jsut saying this to piss dh off.

I know it sounds so silly, but just to clarify why i asked him to take it off - he put it on there, he was playing nintendo, i was trying to sleep, and we take it in turns to be responsible for ds if he wakes up at night or needs anything. (although this means on my night I get up, on dh's he ignores ds crying) so that's why I asked. But he went ape at me, I started crying, he started mocking me 'boo hoo dw cries when she can't get her own way boo hoo' and I just couldn't understand.

Relate was pointless, all she wanted was our 'points of view'. Dh said adamently he didn't have a problem, and just made up lies, and I realised he'd never talk to anyone about our problems.

He knows he makes me unhappy when he does this, but he says it's my fault because I wind him up, and I'm making him unhappy winding him up.

If I mention it's getting me down he says 'what, are you going to dump me agian like this time last year' He hasn't forgiven me for doing it, I think he thinks it was a 'flight of fancy'

Realte wouldn't be pointless if he could tell the truth and she could get to the bottom of his problems but, as it stands, you're right that it can't help you. do you reaaly want to be with this man for the rest of your life? what will he be like this time next year when there's a small baby to take up attention, energy and time?

Write a list of his good points and why you would miss if he wasn't there??

Let's hope it's a long list!!

tbh - I wouldn't put up with that crap though!

I don't want to split up, I love him and I want ds to have his dad around.

But the thought of 40 years of this shouting is bleak, at best.

He's sent me a text; Look I'm fucking sorry that your life is so hard that you did fuck all cleaning yesterday morning, none this morning, none last night, didn't do the food shopping but were feeling ok enough to fuck around with your scrapbooking. Your life must be so hard. In fact the only thing you have done is pick fights with me about trying to get the house sorted and about ds going away with my mum! Your're right.. I am a sod.

After he left he sent me a text telling me to sort out my internet banking which I won't have done as I'm too lazy... I sent one back saying 'sod you, I have done it and transfered money into our account' and got the above text back.

oh the scrapbooking thing - I've volunteered to help at a NEC thing in May. It's my only hobby, and he's SHOCKED I'm going away for 3 days without him and ds. He can't believe it! There's been a huge stuff up with bookings, and I was on the pc yesterday between 9 and 11pm trying to sort booking out. It would have taken 5 minutes but there's a huge website problem.

I think you do need counselling. Maybe not relate - maybe something else. He obviously has a different agenda to you. eg - no food shopping - not really life or death is it. But obviously there are things below the surface that are manifesting themselves as petty squabbles. iykwim.
I know that I resent dh being away all week and I do bugger all in the house - but if he dares to mention a dirty sink or something - I'd go on the defensive and go mad. (Even tho I know I've done bugger all!)

You maybe need to sit down and list your priorities re the house/children/each other etc. sometimes it may take an outside impartial person to help with this.
Why can't you have a hobby?? he gets to go to work all day (which I'm sure is a holiday camp compared to staying at home). But until you can point these things out to him in a calm way - he might not see this point of view.

Lunavix,

Could you go back to Relate on your own?. I would seriously consider this for your own self.

Both of you have so much on that you cannot see the wood for the trees.

Quite apart from all the anger and resentment that has built up for a long time there seems as well to be a fundamental problem communicating effectively - you're either both shouting at each other hammer and tongs or sending text messages (its far easier to send a text than actually talk effectively to each other. Text messages are an easy way out; this is not effective communication). Blaming you is him effectively absolving himself of all respoonsibility for his problems.

This whole mess can possibly be salvaged but it will take a lot of work from both of you to change things for the better and that includes being able to communicate more effectively without resorting to argument and mud slinging.

Why do you love someone who treats you like that?

hey lunavix

lots of what you described sounds like the sorts of rows me and dp can have...you described it all very well if thats any consolation!(at least you can communicate!)..

...especially the 'im tired too',the 7.45 departure for work at eight and also moaning about the clutter i generate and then cannot dispose of immediately after a clearout!!(ooh now im cross!)

so reading about your situation,with all its similarities but without the emotional involvement has made me think that he might be thinking ''we are both v.stressed and tired why not let my mum have the boy for a bit!!''
(i dont mean to over simplify your situation)

id say,you have both got alot going on..you in your body and head and heart,for starters and then household stuff on top of fulltime work...him with his dissertation and job applications...both of you knowing that you are miserable ...with another baby on the way!
that would definitely rock the boat in my house
in my experience these periods of nasty bickering are always when we are stressed,not communicating and possibly even a little scared!!they usually end up (afetr a melt down)with us both admitting how much we need each other and love each other...and there will be a little progress made,as we vow to communicate and be more sensitive.

hugs ...but not naff ones xx

There's no way I'd stay with someone who treated me like that, let alone have another child with him. It's one thing having occasional petty squabbles where people say things they regret, but it's quite another being this bitter and horrible to you all the time and if it was me I would simply not stand for it.

I would make a list of the times he's been nice to you, spoken to you without the use of the f word and when you were last happy together. Then measure that list up against the arguments you have been having recently and see which list is the longest. If the negative list is the longest, then you need to sit down and have an adult conversation, without the use of insults or mobile phones, and talk about just where everything is going wrong and whether your DH wants to make things better between you. If you can have such a conversation without it ending up in a heated argument from either side, then you should agree what you both need to do to make things better. If your DS doesn't want to work things out and becomes insulting, then to be honest, I'd leave. I know you don't want your DS to be without his dad, but it will be a lot healthier than staying in a home where his parents just resent each other and bicker all the time, such a relationship is not healthy for a child.

good luck

My dp is doing his dissertation too-Mega stress here as well.
Would you let a girlfriend of yours treat you in the same way?

it's hard, it's hard - but if you weren't under so much pressure it would be easier. can you get him to accept that the house will be a pit but that you both need to chill out this weekend and try to improve things between you which means you both need a bit of a rest. maybe an hour or two's break to spend time on your own? maybe agree on what really has to be done and what can wait? or maybe have a really big row and clear the air? can MIL have baby for a little while? too many questions, sorry, just ideas that have worked for us in the past

Sorry - he sounds like a prat.

My ex-dh was lazy like this - was the only one allowed to be tired (which he always was), and always shouting, calling me names etc. Never did anything to help with dd.

I left him.

My dh now is the complete opposite - always doing stuff around the house and with the children despite the fact that I'm a SAHM and he has an incredibly stressful and busy job. He puts me first - himself last.

Can't believe I put up with ex's crap for so long tbh. I thought I loved him but always thought that he didn't treat me as if he loved me. I know now what real love is. It wasn't what I had with ex-h.

You deserve better.

I'm not saying that you should do as I did and leave him, but I am saying that you do not need to put up with this - as others have said, it's probably worth trying Relate again. But if he can't or won't change then you're going to spend the rest of your life with him unhappy.