Think I might be falling back in love with exh..but still not sure..advice from people gone thru same plz..

[BelleRomford74]

Trying to keep as short as poss but is complicated.. Left my h nearly 4 years ago taking dd.. mainly been very amicable, I quickly got into another relationship that did'nt work & soon after another all within a year of leaving this compounded the hurt I caused by leaving.. we tried again a few months after that but I left again as I did'nt feel it could work.. a few sticky months after that where I am sure he really dis-liked me (don't blame him!) we both had a long term relationship each during that time & re-built or friendship.. finding ourselves both single again around 18 months ago we decided to go to relate for councilling as we both felt we could'nt seem to move on from eachother & wondered if being such good friends meant we could work it out with help.. In the 1st session he said he knew we could never be as we were years ago because I had hurt him so much & he could'nt trust me not to do the same again!! This cut me to the quick although I knew I had been horrible but saw that as the old me.. (a crisis in life, PND or depression due to circumstances we faced the time.. a poorly, disabled child who required 24 hour care, me feeling trapped & just so sad) .. Anyway we decide after a long emotional chat that however hard we were better off apart but it was lovely to be so close for our dd & families.. Since then I have managed to fuck my life up a little more by getting pregnant during a brief fling (baby due soon) exh has been fine about this & not critisised me at all & we remain close, when people ask me how I feel about him I reply .. I care about him a great deal, I am so proud of him & how he has progressed in his career, I respect him for his values in life & he is a great dad.. Since just before Christmas I have wondered again if actually I feel this way because I have done my grieving for my dd2, had the freedom that I was craving & now more like the person he 1st met... He said in councilling he feels like he was never enough for me but I think I feel now he is & some days I crave my old life.. I wish that I was back in the marital home being a wife & mother.. I find myself thinking about him alot & I talk about him alot, we recently did'nt speak on phone for about 3 days as dd1 answers phone now & I found myself missing not talking to him.. but the big but is I am not sexually attracted to him & could never imagine us being intimate again & I am not heartbroken at the prospect of him once again meeting someone else if he did.. to me this is a sign we would'nt never work out. Plus I have no idea if he feels anything other than friendship for me & I could never ever broach the subject again because I have messed him about in the past!! Anyway I doubt he would take on another mans baby that is a huge massive ask!! Arrrgghh I am just so confused.. Should I just accept that I am lucky to have experienced the love of such a good man & divorce him let him go once & for all or try to be better person & mother so he forgets the hurt I have caused him. Is anyone else so close to an ex that they feel it muddies the boundaries, sometimes I wish he was a right Ahole so I could hate him that would make life easier.. Sorry it never stayed brief but is 4 years of my life. Thank u xxx

P.s .. whatever you say you could verbally beat me up anymore than I do myself... I have an imense amount of guilt for leaving him taking away his dd & then messing him around.. I know I am a bitch so no need to tell me I am a selfish cow coz I already know.

I think because you're pregnant, he looks attractive to you because you know he's safe and he represents family life to you. I mean, wouldn't it just be so convenient to have someone to share the load (I don't mean this in a nasty way, but I know it would be at the back of my mind somewhere in your situation).

But if you're not sexually attracted to him, you will end up repeating the past and not being happy or satisfied - which will lead you into cheating or splitting again. Don't put your dc, him or yourself through it again. You may be extremely fond of him, but you don't love him in the right way.

Divorce would be a good way of shutting that door.

You sound like you've had quite a few 'relationships' in the four years. Perhaps you should take some time out from men, perhaps do some work on yourself as a complete person without a man in your life, and then when you don't feel the need to have a man any man then you'd be ready to date again.

That's hard to read.

Erm, you don't love him. He is the easy option because you found yourself pregnant.

You don't find him sexually attractive, don't think you ever will. You wouldn't be heartbroken if he moved on.

You don't love him. Let him go.

*O

Totally get you, thank you & alot of what you say is probably true. I have never cheated on him but hurt him in other ways.. I think I have come along way in the past few months as a person & trying to grow & like myself & respect myself again this will not include a man for the forseable future. I do miss safe (the grass in never greener, I learnt he hard way!!) but maybe he is not the one to bring back the domestic, safe, security that I would like in my life again... The responsibility of being a lone parent sometimes is overwhelming & takes alot of strength, sometimes I just want someone to take over & take away some of the worry .. they are weak days mostly I have strong days

Belle, you are not falling in love again with your ex. Your lack of physical attraction for him proves that. You have been through a lot in the last four years, why not take a bit of time to deal with your past and present. Start providing for your own needs instead of seeking someone else to do it. Believe me, you and your DCs will benefit from it in the long run.

And when the time comes, perhaps you will meet a man and have a deep and honest relationship with him. But before that, you need to work on having a deep and honest relationship with yourself.

I am not sexually attracted to him & could never imagine us being intimate again & I am not heartbroken at the prospect of him once again meeting someone else if he did

As you clearly don't feel any lust or passion for him ,you will only cause him further grief if you attempt a reconciliation because whatever reasons you had for leaving him will most probably recur, or you'll find other reasons to be dissatisifed with him/your life with him.

It seems to me that you are craving what you perceive to be the security you had when you were living in the marital home because you feel insecure about the future, particularly as you're about to give birth to a dc by a man who's made it clear that he is not interested in you or his child.

As your marriage is dead in all but name, I would suggest that the decent thing to do is bury the body by means of institigating an amicable divorce.