Will it affect her as she grows up.

[workingmumnhs]

My partner and I recently had a troubling time due to an affair. At the moment my partner is not living in our house but staying with his mother further up the road while we sort the problem out. Our daughter at first asked where daddy was a lot but now she seems to accept the situation. I don't want her to think that this is the way things are going to stay but I am not ready to have him back in the house till I sort my feelings out. Will this separation affect her later in life. I wish I could turn back the clock and make it all different but I can't do that. How should I address the issue. If I bring him home to sson I am scared that the same thing will happen again but I don't want dd to get too used to the current living arrangements.

Kids are very resilient, why don't you tell her that Daddy is staying with Nana because she needs a little bit of minding.?

That is an idea. She is three and not stupid, she knows we have been arguing. A few weeks ago we had a heated discussion in front of her, not intentionally and after he left the room she said " My daddy's stupid." I told that he wasn't and Mummy and Daddy will be okay but then I asked him to leave on New Years Eve. He has been at his mothers since and I feel awful but I don't want him back yet. My parents split up whe I was four and I don't remember anything about it but wonder if it has affected me and my ability to manage a lasting relationship.

My parents split up when I was 9. My dad was never around much anyway and I used to hear them having terrible arguments, usually my mother screaming at him, smashing plates, etc. She took me out of school one day when I was 9 years old, I was having my lunch. I never got to say goodbye to any of my friends. All my things were packed and we moved to a different house. I saw my dad about once a month after that.

Yet I am now happily (some of the time!) married with 2 small children. We will have been married 7 years this May.

It affects everyone in different ways. I'd say your dd is lucky, she sees her dad regularly and she can count on your love and understanding. You obviously take her feelings into consideration, something that never happened with me. I think she'll be just fine!

Try not to feel guilty. You are doing your best to provide a stable home for your daughter. Letting your partner/ex-partner come back too soon with so many unresolved issues is not going to achieve that. Keep reassuring her that you love her and that you will always be there for her. I am a firm believer that kids can thrive in most situations as long as they have at least one reliable and loving parent.

How shitty for you. You sound as if you are being very strong for your dd. Just remember that if you didn't ask dh to move out the nasty arguments or cold silences would also be affecting your dd just as much or more than mum and dad living seperately but being civil to each other. You sound as if you have made your dd top priority and she can't do better than that

Dp is here for tonight as SD is staying and it is easier to explain. Thanks for all advice will keep you posted.

Right have just got off the phone to DP. He has seen his arse with me because he hinted at staying again tonight and he said I pulled a face as if to say "do I have to spend another night with him" I have to start a new job tomorrow on a new ward and I don't want to go. i just want to wallow in self pity tonight and not have to be cheerful. I told him that he could stay one day this week but he says he's not going to now.
He can be like that. It has been three weeks since he went to his mothers and quite frankly I have enjoyed the time to myself.( If we are being honest I spentmost of my time on my own when he did live here. I got used to being my own boss.) He isn't helping his case. I know I am causing him a lot of stress but if i bring him back to soon I feel it will all blow up again and we will be back to square one.
I Just feel like I am being a nasty cow. I'm not am I?

deffo not but I have a bad back so going to work

you do what is best for you & dd

xx

I meant bed not work

I left my husband, (don't get the abbreviations yet), 2 years ago, when my two girls were 3 and one and a half. From all the research and prof help I took in trying to come to terms with not bringing the girls up with their dad around, what seemed to be the resounding advice was - yes, children will be affected and scarred by a break up but they would be much more damaged by living within a relationship that was filled with tension, sadness and anger.
There isn't a day that goes by without me worrying about how the girls have been affected, but in fact, they are totally fine and so happy with our new life, and will only know their dad as a great bloke, not for the tosser he is. He can put on a jolly front when he sees them, and I'm never going to tell them about all the crap he put me thru, as I want them to be proud of him. I think that is the imp thing for children, not to be a sounding board for how pissed off we are with their other parent, regardless of how or where they live.
good luck...

would peoples attitude change if they realised it was ME that had the affair and he is at his mothers while I figure out what and who i want.

not really, coz if if everything was fine then it would never have happened, so it would have been all underlying anyway, surely?

For me, of course, as my dh had an affair, and whilst there were of course circumstances behind this for which we were both to blame, I consider having an affair as an incredibly selfish action. But as far as the situation with your children is concerned it doesn't make any difference. I think that the important thing for your dd is not to see too much conflict, and never to be put in a situation where she feels she is having to make a choice between two people who she (presumably) loves. My dh and I seperated three months ago, and my two children (5 & 6) still see this as a way to have two houses, although we are starting to see a little sadness about leaving each of us (we do split childcare).