Feeling hopeless and depressed and lonely.

[catrachmattben]

I am feeling I cannot take any more. Long story,but will try to cut it short.
I am the mother of 4 children 22year old who is studying medicine at a uni close to home. 20 year old working and living at home. 18 year old with learning difficulties and mental age of 6years and very hard work.He leaves special needs college course in June this year.7year old who is acedemically gifted.He is hard work in a different way.
I have been married 25 years .My husband works full time and I stay at home and work part time.
I have given all my married life to looking after my children and husband. He works approx 60 plus hours a week some of which away from home.Does little to help mainly because he is working so much.When at home he doesn't help much.My disabled son and my youngest don't get on well. My disabled son will possibly at home full time fom this summer .I love my children dearly but I am struggling to cope. Both my younger son and disabled son are suffering.
I feel angry frustrated and have told my husband that i am at the end of my tether I feel like i have no love left for him we have discussed things repeatedly but he feels i am being unreasonable and just ignores things. I need help to pull myself out of this big cloud i feel under,so I can support my children. Any one out there help me.

It sounds like you have a massive amount on your plate. Do you have any other support besides your husband? It really isn't fair for him to just decide not to listen to you - once he's in the house he should be taking on an equal share of the housework and childcare. If he's not listening then it might be time to suggest counselling. Would he go for that?

In the meantime would you consider going to your GP for a chat? He or she might be able to put you in touch with some support.

Thanks for responding we moved away from where my family come from about six years ago.Parents are also ill and long term friends are good listeners but cant really help and i feel i can't keep complaining to them.
I have few friends because I don't get time to socialise due to the caring my disabled son needs.
I could visit GP,but don't feel they are good listeners. I don't think my husband would do counciling. I feel I Just want to go to bed to get away from everything. I used to look forward to weekends but my husband just gets into arguments with my disabled son which the little one and myself have to listen too.

It sounds really hard for you, and it seems you work very hard caring for others, and rarely get any time to do nice things for yourself. Do you get any respite care for your disabled son? That would give you the chance to plan to do something with your husband or your youngest son. It is a worry when there aren't activities for young disabled people once they finish education. I hope that he has a social worker to help you find out what is available to him after college.
If your husband won't consider counselling it might help you to have some for yourself to help you work out how to change things for the better.

We don't have social worker,just registered with the adult disability support agency.They have visited but feel he his well cared for so low priority.We are named legal guardians for my son. I will consider councilling because even though i feel so low i realise I need to snap out of this for my childrens sake. Not sure how to go about this. Thanks

Do you think you could be depressed? I'm not saying that you definitely are by the way, it would be completely normal for you to feel overwhelmed given the situation you're in, I'm just wondering if a course of anti-depressants might help.

Does your DH ever look after the children while you go out for the day?

It's easier said than done to just snap out of feeling low.I agree that visiting your GP and telling him or her exactly how bad you feel is a first step towards getting the support you need. They are very used to talking about mental distress, and should be able to tell you how to access counselling. Anti- depressant medication may help you too, but they do take a few weeks for the effect to kick in.
Take care, and keep talking to us on here.

Do you have any access to respite services?

Definitely make that GP appointment, and be totally honest with them about how you feel.

Anti depressants can really help if you feel you need them, but as GRW has said they will take a few weeks to kick in. Your GP may be able to put you in touch with a Counselor who may then have contacts or know organisations who may be able to help someone in your situation. There is help out there, it is often accessing it that can be tricky.

Cat, poor you

I think you probably come across as a coper, so your dh and this (so-called) support agency just aren't taking you seriously. Spell it out to them!

Maybe you're coping now but if things carry on like this YOU WON'T BE COPING FOR MUCH LONGER!!!

Sometimes you need to make a song and dance about things before people take notice. Get in touch with a social worker, an advocate agency, anyone dealing with transitions in your area and a carers group. And don't take 'no' for an answer. Good luck.

Hi catrachmattben. Speaking as a mum in a similar (albeit less demanding) situation ( only two kids) I'd second the bit about breaks. You need to do this for YOU first and foremost, not your kids. If you are not recharging your batteries you cannot look after your kids. I'd tell my husband that I need a day out. Make it a weekend that he is around. Hook up with one of your friends and do whatever appeals to you - for the whole day. It has the accompanying effect of giving your husband an insight into why it's hard. Go and have some fun. You really deserve it.