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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've been dumped by friend havn't I ? Very sad...

9 replies

BikeRunSki · 27/01/2012 13:30

I have (or had) a friend, who I have known for 18 years. Male friend, a year older than me. Always said he was gay, certainly active in LGBT events, but I have not ever known him have a partner of any sort in all the time I have known him.

Anyway, we used to work in the same university, pop in and out of each others offices all the time, have lunch, beers after work, go out at week ends. Did a lot of hillwalking together. Been on holiday together a few times, in small groups.

Time passed on, both got new jobs, both of us moved around the country a bit. He was made redundant and went travelling, sent lots of post cards and emails. As life went on we both ended up in the same county, working in the same city and we used to meet up after work about once month or so. Emailed all the time. I was married by this time. Started hillwalking together again, with DH. Meals at each others' houses etc ...

All this died down a little after DS was born 3 years ago, but still lots of chatty email contact, week end get togethers, bit of week end walking with baby back pack etc. Still lots of chatty emails, phone calls etc

Then nothing for about 18 months. I sent a few emails, and got short, factual replies. Phoned a few times, never any answer. He rents his flat off a colleague and I checked he hadn't moved. When DD was born last year, I sent a card to his flat (with my phone and email contacts in). No response A mutual friend was speaking to him recently and asked if he had heard from me recently. He replied that he'd heard I'd had another baby and changed the subject.

I've been dumped haven't I? Very sad, we go back a long way and he is one of my most longstanding friends.

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 27/01/2012 13:36

Happened to me years ago, as soon as I had my daughter. Some people are not family-orientated - the dynamic of their lives is different.

However, there could be something wrong - he might be ill or in crisis. Why not directly challenge and explain that you are hurt? What have you got to lose?

WinkyWinkola · 27/01/2012 13:42

That has got to hurt. Sad

Maybe he feels you just aren't as available as you used to be and so he is cutting his losses?

However, you have to respect his wishes. it may be in 10 years time, he pops up again and your friendship picks up. If you want it to.

Personally, I would send one last email making sure he is ok, that nothing bad is happening to him and then wish him all the very best.

People do this a lot for all sorts of reasons.

BikeRunSki · 27/01/2012 13:44

Punk I did write a letter and explained I was hurt and challenged him, at the end of last year. No reply. He won't answer my phone calls or emails.

Mutual friend says he is well, working, fine and living in same flat as always. She also has a theory that he has been secretly in love with me for 18 years, and is dealing with me clearly not being in love with him by excluding me from his life. If she is right, I don't think it is to do with the dynamics of family life or not being great with kids, I think it is because my kids are symbolic of my life with someone else.

OP posts:
mojitomania · 27/01/2012 15:30

I think it is because my kids are symbolic of my life with someone else

Do you think he harboured feelings for you other than platonic friendship?

Punkatheart · 27/01/2012 15:40

Oh dear. If this is the case poor Bike - I'm afraid there is nothing you can do.

I'm sorry.

Archemedes · 27/01/2012 16:08

Aw I feel for you OP its happens to the best of us, its a horrible feeling.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 27/01/2012 16:11

My gay best friend also dumped me when I had children. I have now not spoken to him for 10 years.

BikeRunSki · 27/01/2012 16:21

mojito I never thought so, but mutual friend does. Suspect she may be right now she has said something.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2012 18:37

I think that's a blind alley, OP. He's not in love with you. He told you he was gay and he was fine with you when your son was born.

I think it's purely that your lifestyle is just not compatible with his any longer and he's shallow enough to analyse it in those terms - and drop you because your children are obviously your priority now and you can't ever be as carefree as he was and will remain...

Without generalising, the gay male friends that I have are quite time and attention intensive and if they see that my attention is elsewhere, they're off for as long as they want to be. I think your friend is the same.

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