Over powering parents?

[SHHHH]

Sorry for the long post..Be warned ..

Right it's gone 4am and I am wide awake. PND doesn't help but this is playing on my mind....

My parents are brilliant parents and will do anything to help dh & I but since dd was born 8 months ago they have been driving me mad....

DD is their 1st grandchild so I understand their excitement but I feel as though I am 13 again and under their control iykwim....I have always been close to my mum but atm I am trying to distance myself a bit more before I either go mad or say something I regret. Basically they always want to come and visit and to do things with dd & I (Im a sahm) but I feel so suffocated a times and I enjoy doing things alone with dd. Be it shopping or going for walks or m&b groups etc.

My mum comes around and seems to "take over the place" and it's as though dd does things "just for her" iykwim. While out last week mum commented to someone saying something about "MY BABY"..LOL!! I asked mum did she actually give birth to her.? I hated this comment as it was quite an overpowering comment well imho it was anyway.

DH & I see each of our parents once/twice a week and at times we can't even be bothered doing this as we enjoy our time as a family but sadly we are in this routine now and don't really see a way out.

Whats really bothering me is the fact that mum is already making comments about "make sure you are ready for the summer,we'll be out for walks etc every friday" My dad doesn't work fridays hence this suggestion. Thing is......I don't want to be doing this (not all the time). Yeah sure I want to go out etc but sometimes either alone,with dh or with MY FRIENDS....I know dh & I could let the grandparents have dd for a few hours a week etc but I am not ready for this atm (long story but relates to pnd)

Does anyone every feel the same with their parents.? Any advice.? I always feel like if I say no to my parents it's like I have asked them to cut off a limb.

I dunno,maybe they aren't that bad,maybe its me?

My mum was exactly the same when I had my DS, except that the difference is that we were never that close. when he was born she booked two weeks off work because "you're going to need me a lot". she did it with the best intentions because she wanted to be there if I needed her help and I know that she meant well but it was that kind of comment that put my back up. Plus my DH was there anyway so I had lots of support from him. From the moment he was born she appeared to take over my life. She would come into the house and no matter what I was doing with DS she would just take him off me without even asking. She would come round to see DS and as I was carrying him up the stairs for his nap she'd be letting herself out of the front door, so making it very obvious that it was DS she had come to see and not me. And once she did ring up and ask "how's my baby?" to which I quickly replied "I'm fine thank you very much and how are you?". She too used to have thursday afternoons off and would make a point of coming round to see us, I have no issue with her coming to see DS but it was the assumption that it would be every thursday afternoon and that I wouldn't have anything arranged because she would be there, in fact once my MIL (who doesn't live close so only comes up occasionally) came up to see DS on a thursday and my mother was very put out and said "why does it have to be a thursday - thursday is my day!". Sometimes she even calls and if I'm not home she rings my mobile to ask where I am! Sometimes she has even been round to my house and when I wasn't there she's driven round the neighbourhood parks to see if I was in one of them! It can be very suffocating.

I found the best way round it was to distance myself totally from her and to make alternative arrangements on some of the days so as to let her know that she does not have control over my life. I couldn't tell her straight out that she was taking over because then she would become very defensive and say I was overreacting, so I found the suttle approach was better. I do think that if we did not live quite so close to each other things would be different, if she had to arrange to come over rather than just turning up on a wim.

Sorry this reply has become so long, but I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one who sometimes feels like this. Just remember that your DD is your baby, your parents had the chance to be parents when you were a child, and that although being grandparents is a lovely time for them, that is what they are, grandparents, and that does not entitle them to take over your life and have any say in what DD does.

If you're unable to be straight with them, then it might be worth just distancing yourself a bit, try going out with your DH at times they want to do things, tell them in advance that you can go to wherever it is they've suggested because you're doing something else, if you do this enough they will eventually get the message. Maybe compromise and go with them sometimes, but they do not have the right to every friday - it's far too set in stone and leaves no flexibility for what you want to do.

good luck xx

Suffocating behaviour like this is actually a way of your parents continuing to exert control you as an adult. Control is all about power.

My guess is that they were somewhat suffocating towards you as a child.

Some parents just cannot bear to let their adult children carry on with their own lives. You are responsible for your own life now with your family - not your parents.

I would agree with wannabees' posting in that you both need to emotionally and physically distance yourself a bit more. By all means continue to see them but take some control back. Both of you need to put on a united front in this regard and stand firm against their demands.

although to an extent i agree with the two postings before i think you need to handle it very gently. my parents do nothing and dont help. i am a single mum and i would love for them just to take a little more interest in ds. your very lucky that they are so interested in bein ginvolved and i will lay odds, that they think they are helping - what were your grandparents like, is there a reason your mum is being so over the top.; just be a little bti careful not to alienate them, i am almost certain there will come a point when their help is extremly appreciated. good luck

thanks for all your replies. I thought everyone would be against me but it looks like you totally understand what I am saying. Wannabe your advice sounds spot on and to an extent I am trying this route already. I am trying to prepare myself for when the summer arrives iykwim.

DH is brilliant and he has the same opinion as me,in fact after I posted last night he came to see where I was! I was upset but told him what was on my mind. He said exactly the same as you guys and couldn't really understand why I had got myself into such a state! Bless him!!

Meerkat you are exactly right about parents and controlling....DH says to me that they are my parents and I love them BUT I am also and adult with a family,the very point made on this thread. I agree that they do still think I am their little girl who won't say no. I need to be stronger.

In fact with both sets of parents DH & I joke that they only come to see dd now and not us! Visits are usually arranged by " oh is x in bed..?, yes, oh right we will leave it then"...!! Suppose could be taken 2 ways .

Prettyfly you have made a point that I never considered.....I never knew my dads parents (died when I was born) and my mums parents had the attitude hat they had done their time with kids so didn't want the opportunity to look after us etc.They refused to baby sit and I don't remember many visits while we lived local to them although mum says she did take us there weekly. Once we moved away from them the times we did see them we were probably more of a hinderance iykwim. Anyhow I know my parents don't want to repeat their behaviour so maybe this is why they are like they are...a point I never considered..